Good Friday Good News

It is hard to imagine what the disciples and followers of Jesus went through on the first “Good” Friday…

They had just celebrated Passover with Jesus the night before.  He had transformed their lives.  They had left everything behind to follow Him. 

Now, it seemed all for nothing.  He was crucified…hung on a cross…humiliated and torchered.  Stripped, literally, of all human dignity. 

They did not have the whole story at that moment.  This was the lowest point in life for them, surely.  They did not have the gift of history…the whole of Scripture… the comfort of knowing, at least in part, the “why.”

Once when I was watching a clip of the Jesus movie, I saw the chaos and the fear in the faces of the actors as Jesus was crucified…it became more real to me in that moment.  How devastating this day must have been.  How hopeless it must have seemed.

How ironic, that because of this seemingly devastating day in history, I can have HOPE.  How like God to turn the world upside down, to bring life out of death, to bring Hope out of hopelessness.  He has done this for mankind.  He has done this for me.

I am a life changed because of that first Good Friday.  Are you?

He was delivered over to death for our sins, and was raised to life for our justification.  Romans 4:25

...He will swallow up death forever.  The Soverign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; He will remove the disgrace of His people from all the earth.  The Lord has spoken.  Isaiah 25:8

The NutriBullet

So, I succumbed to the late-night infomercial on the NutriBullet.  I am proud to say that I did not pay “6 easy payments of $19.99.”  I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and used a 20% off coupon (did you know that they never expire, despite the expiration date?) and paid just $80.  My first time to use it was one day in February, around 2:00 PM.  I decided to make a green smoothie for a late lunch.  I loaded up the Large cup with Kale, Spinach, Pineapple, Strawberries, Banana, and Blueberries.  I locked the cup in place on the base and pressed down with eager anticipation…and…nothing!  No action whatsoever.  I am obviously hungry as it is 2:00.  I am frustrated and disappointed…and determined to not waste the ingredients already in the large cup.  So I unplug the unit, grab the receipt, and head down to Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  I walk in looking like a hungry, crazy lady in sweatpants, disheveled and no makeup, holding a NutriBullet full of unprocessed food.  “Someone please help me!  I am trying to make my lunch and this thing will not work.”  A young clerk gave me a bewildered smile and told me to leave it at the front desk and go ahead back and get a replacement.  She plugged it in to make sure it did not work.  Then I unpacked a new one and locked the cup in place on it.  A satisfying “Whir” ensued...yippee!  Lunch was ready.  I left the store carrying my lunch and the replacement base.  Mission accomplished.  It was delicious! 

Since that day, I have been enjoying green smoothies for breakfast whenever I have the ingredients on hand.  Here is what I enjoyed this morning:

A fistfull of Kale and Spinach

Several slices of Fresh Pineapple

1 Avocado

Several large spoonfuls of Frozen Blueberries

1 Tablespoon of Chia Seeds (The IT food of 2013!)

Dried Goji Berries (just what I had left)

Water

It tastes plenty sweet with the pineapple.  Sometimes I pour pineapple juice in as well if there is any at the botton of the container.  The avocado is caloric  BUT so nutrient-rich it is worth it! (read more about it here)  Plus, it thickens the Smoothie.

The Beauty of the smoothie is that you really don't need a recipe...just pick foods rich in nutrients, pick something to thicken it (Avocado, Banana, Coconut Oil) and pick something naturally sweet (pineapple, blueberries, strawberries, etc).  This is my new favorite breakfast.

Note:  As always, click on anything in this blog high-lighted in Blue and a link will open to a new window.

PS  A shout out and thank you to my friend, Kim Burdick, for treating me to my first green smoothie and showing me the ropes...

Tennis Lessons

I love my Saturday tennis lessons.  It is a small group; usually 4 of us.  We are taught by Bill O'Boyle (yes, happy St. Patrick's day to a true Irishman!).  My very first tennis team was captained by Bill's wife, Kim.  As a team, we took weekly lessons from Bill .  He has taught me much of what I know about tennis strategy. Yesterday, Bill and Kim wore green to our tennis clinic.  I did, too, but totally not thinking about St. Patrick's day.  How fun!  Today I wore a bit of green to church and then went to lunch solo to Hickory Tavern and was given a beautiful green t-shirt for being one of the first 50 customers.  I am wearing it as I type...

Back to tennis lessons...I love the drills and play that we do.  It gets me out of bed on Saturday and gets me moving.  Although, my body doth protests!  I am slow to move...arguably the slowest of the bunch each Saturday.  Sometimes I stand and yawn.  Literally, I yawn and hold my racquet casually like it's an umbrella and not a weapon to help me win.  Truth be told, I vacillate between caring about winning and not caring at all.  I play because I love to play.  I like to win.  I very much like to win. But I have taught myself not to care too much.  I often don't stand a chance to win and I am afraid that if I care too much and lose too often that I will quit playing.  I want to play for the love of it.  Sometimes playing to win can be painful.  Like in life, I just want to enjoy the journey and not be SO concerned about the destination.

Maybe what I need is a sports psychologist.  :)  The funny part about my method is that sometimes I win in spite of myself.  Bill O'Boyle says that I lull my opponents...I make them think that I have given up, then I go for the kill.  I take them off-guard. That is my (subconscious?) strategy for winning, and it works sometimes.  It works unless my opponents play strong and offensive.  When they hit hard and come to the net, and they make me run...I eventually lose.  I can't move fast enough and I can't keep up their fast pace.  If I am allowed to set the pace slower, I can lull them and then hit a winning shot.

One Saturday in December, I was so tired that I yelled, "I've got nothing left!"    For the remainder of our lesson, Bill called me "Nuthin'Left"  Here comes Nothin'Left! Watch out, Nothin'Left is serving!  We laughed so much over that.  But then I got a second wind.  I won some points.  I was serious when I said that I had nothing left. But with laughter, somehow I got renewed energy.  Enough to make the others think I was pretending so that I could lull them off-guard, Bill would say.  But truly, I regretted saying that I had nothing left as soon as it came out of my mouth.  That is not something you let your opponents hear.  And as there is power in words, I don't want to be known as "Nothin'Left."  Reminds me of "Much-Afraid," the character in Hannah Hurnard's classic book, "Hinds Feet on High Places." 

Yesterday, more laughter ensued when one of the clinic participants, MJ, asked Bill how she could be more like me.  She wants to win so badly and she is an excellent tennis player.  She is much faster than I am and she hits much harder.  But during one round, I actually won more points that MJ and Kim.  MJ admires how laid back I am on the court.  At one point, she and Kim pretended to be me and stood there on the other side of the net yawning big yawns.  It was SO FUNNY when MJ asked how she could learn to be more like me.  Kim said, "Bill...she actually wants you to teach her how to play like Janice!"  Like there was a Janice-method.  Ha!Ha! I am the worst of the 4 of us.  Bill then pointed out that I try to slow them down.  If I get them to play at my pace, I can place the ball and take them off-guard.  They have to be on the offensive and hit at a hard pace to beat me, which they did in the second round that we played.  Whoever sets the pace has a better chance of winning.

Like many things in life, there is a spiritual analogy here that I don't want to miss.  I am a Christian and I have a Biblical world view.  I interpret the world though my belief in Jesus Christ and all that the Bible says about Him and about life.  It is clear in scripture that I do have an opponent in life.  I have an enemy and his name is Satan.  (Sometimes I have another enemy and her name is Janice!  But I am working on that.)  Satan is the enemy of God and all of God's children.  He is a rebellious angel who took other angels (now demons) with him in his fall from glory. He is conniving and deceptive.  He manipulated Eve who invited Adam to follow suit. He continues to deceive and add confusion to our world.  He loves best to strike when I am off-guard, when I am lulled into complacency.  

I think most people would admit that there is evil in this world.  Some of the atrocities committed, one human being to another, are unspeakable.  Surely Satan and demonic forces are behind much of it.  But I think he is so clever, he prefers to be more subtle than obvious pure evil.  He knows that he is better off disguising himself as an angel of light.  2 Corinthians 11:14 says ...for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.  He prefers to try to keep us busy or confused or distracted to the point of forgetting about spiritual things.  He prefers that we do not even believe in him, for if we deny the reality of evil, we can easily deny that we need a Savior.

Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.  1 Peter 5:8-9

I played a doubles match today.  I decided to play to win.  I gave it my best and I was alert (no yawning).  I made the choice to show up physically and mentally. When I arrived at the court I told my partner..."I came to win!"  She laughed and said, "Does that mean you're going to move?"  Like I said earlier, I am not the fastest player on the court...I am never the fastest.  But I can be clever.  I can play to win.  I am sorry to say that we did not win.  But because I was present...I played hard...I moved as best I could...I feel good about it.  I am not sad.  I am not terribly disappointed.  I don't feel like quitting.  I feel like trying harder again tomorrow.  And I will.

Maybe I did learn more than I realized at the time yesterday at tennis clinic. Whether I acknowledge it or not when I am on the court, I am in a game where the object is to win.  I can choose to own it and play to win or I can ignore my desire to win.  But that doesn't change the reality of the game.  In fact, if I ignore the fact that I am in a competition, I am almost certain to lose, especially if I am playing someone of equal skills.

I am also in a spiritual battle daily.  I can acknowledge it and prepare for it or I can ignore it.  But ignoring it doesn't make it go away.  Pretending it is not real doesn't make it so.  I could decide that gravity is not real and jump off of a 10-story building...and I would find out quickly that gravity is an immutable law.  So it is with Truth.  So it is with light and darkness.  I am so thankful for Truth in the person of Jesus Christ, who "...for the joy set before Him He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

Playing tennis is a joy.  An even greater joy in my life is following Jesus.  Never a dull moment, but always worth it.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Ephesians 6:10-13

   

This Time Last Year

Friday finished my first full week of work since mid-December.  I had a long Christmas Holiday and worked just one full day in January...until March 4th. Needless to say, this was an exhausting week. It was a very good week as well.  It was a week of memorizing lots of new names and faces...a week of getting phone and computer access, passwords to unfamiliar software and access to files with budgets and financial results and lots of new information.  And in the middle of the week, I had the privilege of attending a Bobcats game with many of our Charlotte Sales Team.  Here's a picture of me in the midst of our male-dominated team.

Friends who know me well will smile as I never mind being the only female in a room full of testosterone.  One time, years ago, I arranged it myself by hosting "guy night" at my home when I first purchased surround sound.  I showed The Matrix to a small group of gentlemen from my church singles' fellowship.  It was great fun, meant to be tongue-in-cheek, however, some of their girlfriends were not so appreciative of my "guy night."

I think that I am really going to like my new work home.  This week was a tough one, though, with the adjustment of getting back in to the swing of things professionally. When my alarm went off Friday morning, my first thought was, "Thank you, God, that it is Friday!"  My second thought was of this time last year...

It was actually Monday, March 12th of 2012 when I had a hint that something was wrong.  I began bleeding again for the first time in 11 years, for the first time since my Ovaries were removed due to Cancer in 2001.  I also had some pain and discomfort that day, so I drove myself to the Urgent Care in York, SC (where I was working at the time.)  They hooked me up to an EKG to be sure that I wasn't having a heart attack.  I was okay in that regard.  So, I made an appointment with my OBGYN for Wednesday, the 14th.

An ultrasound was performed at the OBGYN and the resulting images showed two tumors in my uterus.  I would need surgery to have the uterus removed.  There was no way to determine if it was cancer or not until after surgery.

I had an MRI subsequent to the ultrasound and before the surgery.  I was in the tube for over an hour and a half.  They were looking for signs of tumors, probably because of my cancer history.  I am not claustrophobic by nature, but being in a tube for that long of a time was disconcerting.  Actually, it was frightening. The sounds of the machine were like a machine-gun.  I didn't dare open my eyes in the tube for fear of fear itself.  I was afraid that I would discover in that moment that I was indeed very claustrophobic and that I would panic.  I kept my eyes closed and I recited the 23rd Psalm and I prayed.  It made all the difference. 

Within one week, I found myself recuperating from major surgery once again...

The clip on my finger is a heart monitor.  The things around my legs inflated and deflated in a massage-like motion to keep circulation going (preventing blood clots). I think I am heavily drugged in this photo.  At least, I hope I am because I sure look like it.  

The surgery was supposed to be a quick one (robotic surgery) with a one-night stay in the hospital.  To do this, they punctured me in 4 places in my abdomen to insert the robotic arms.  What they found was that my scar tissue was so extensive from my cancer surgery in 2001, that my intestines looked like they were covered in saran wrap.  They accidentally punctured my bowels, requiring stitches to my bowels and stitches to close the 4 places which could not be used for robotic surgery.  Now I would have to be opened up in the same way that I was in 2001, a top to bottom cut that goes from my pelvic area to above my belly button.  And my stay in the hospital would be extended to six days.

When I awoke from surgery I was in very intense pain in both my abdomen and my back.  The pain was so much more than I remembered from 2001.  I kept trying to tell the nurses about the pain but they didn't seem to notice me.  They were talking to each other about me..."Did you see what a mess she was in?  Her intestines were a mess!"  Because of the intense pain and the nurses' conversations, I assumed that I was dying.  I thought that the cancer had spread everywhere, that I had cancer through-out my body that proved to be a "mess."  I felt so sad.  I cried out to the Lord and asked for His help and grace.  "This is it," I thought.  This might be the end of my road here on earth.  I thought of my sister, Diane, who was in the waiting room, and how sad she must be.

When I was wheeled to my hospital room, my sister, Diane, was waiting for me.  I braced myself for her tears.  But she was not crying!  How heartless was that?  I asked her why she was not crying and she said that I was going to be fine.  I didn't believe her at first.  "Are you sure?" I asked.  It took her awhile to convince me that I was not dying.  I thought that she was just trying to keep my spirits up.

Diane spent the first night with me and we stayed up all night long talking.  It was so nice to have that time with her.  She was extremely uncomfortable in the chair beside the bed but she was a trouper.  I liked being awake so that I could press the morphine button.  It took awhile to get my pain under control after surgery.

I did find out later in the week, from my pharmacist-friend, that the hospital does not administer the same pain medication that I had in 2001.  Primarily, in an effort to cut costs, the pain meds have been reduced.  I am not sure if it is quality or quantity, but let me assure you that it does make a significant difference.  After my surgery in 2001, I was so weak that I could not raise my arm to scratch my face. But I felt little pain.  This time, I could raise my arms, but the pain was intense.  I think I liked 2001 better.  I wonder what amount of pain meds will be administered once Obamacare takes full effect.  It is not a pretty thought...

My week in the hospital went quickly.  I had many visitors, lots of flowers, and plenty of phone calls, too.  My sister visited daily, as she would stay in town several weeks to take care of me.  What a blessing she is in my life!  She spent several weeks taking care of me in 2001 as well.  It is wonderful to have a sister who is also a dear friend.

On the sixth and final day of my hospital stay, I found out that I had Endometrial Cancer.  There was just one tumor.  The other "tumor" turned out to be scar tissue from the 2001 surgery.  The good news was that they believed they had removed it all when they removed my uterus.  I would not need chemotherapy this time.  Also good news was that it was not related to my Ovarian Cancer.  I am completely healed from the Ovarian Cancer.  This cancer was probably due to the hormone replacement regimen that I had been on for eleven years.  Yes, those cancer warnings should be heeded.  Hormone replacements do cause cancer.  Most women are not on them for eleven years.  I was so young when I lost my ovaries that my doctors believed it was worth the risk for me.  In retrospect, I am not so sure.

Okay, enough about the medical stuff.  It happened.  I got through it.  God chose to heal me once again from cancer.  I am a two-time survivor now.  What was so amazing and wonderful were all the ways I was cared for and loved through this event.  Each time I have had crisis' in my life, God showed up through the hands and arms and hearts of people He puts in my life.  God really showed up in a big way. 

I don't think I could list it all...so please don't be offended if I don't mention you.  But I do want to share some of what I remember:

• My sister, Diane, took a big break from her life in Florida to be with me for almost 3 weeks.  She stayed at my house and visited me me for the week I was in the hospital and stayed an additional week and a half to help me and keep me company. 
• My dear friends Laura Sims and Anne Cathey came and prayed with me and my sister before surgery and kept my sister company, as did friend, Suzanne Tullis.
• Dennis Sult, Director of Congregation Care came and prayed with me in the prep room before surgery.  It was great to have him there in a place where not even family was allowed to be.
• My dear friend, Rosanne, came and cleaned my house in preparation for my sister's visit while I worked late at my job to prepare for being out for 6 weeks.
• My Sunday School Class at Good Shepherd, The Ark, and Jean Obi, who is in charge of congregation meals really helped make this time easier.  The Ark is a praying group and I know that their prayers have made a difference in my life.  Many people volunteered to bring me meals and many visited me.  
• John Pavlovitz, Youth Pastor at Good Shepherd, brought me flowers and visited me in the Hospital and prayed with me.
• Many other friends and relatives sent flowers and visited in the hospital. Anne Romanello came and annointed me with oil and prayed for me.
• My tennis team out of Park Road Park was a huge help in providing meals for me and my sister.  What a wonderful group of ladies we had that season.
• My friend, Stephanie Jordan, came all the way from China Grove to vacuum for me.
• The 2nd grade class of Mrs. Hall at Jefferson Elementary sent me 21 handmade get well and Easter cards.  I had the privilege of being a Lunch Buddy to Kristen in Mrs. Hall's class and she and her friends made me some beautiful cards.

21 beautiful cards

• My niece, Erin, came for 5 days and overlapped with my sister.  It was wonderful to have her here and so much fun for the 3 of us to be together.  This is rare as Diane lives in Florida and Erin lives in Raleigh.

Erin, Janice, and Diane

• The best part of Erin's visit was her help in decluttering my life!  This was an answer to a prayer request I shared with The Ark class leader, Jill, at the beginning of the year.  I would have never imagined the way that God would orchestrate the answer to this prayer, but I am so appreciative!  Erin helped clean out all of my closets and we took 2 1/2 car loads of donated items to my Church's storage unit.  Here are some pictures of Erin in action: 

As you can see, Erin had her hands full.  These were just the shoes...

Once again, SO MANY unexpected blessings came out of a seemingly bad situation.  I am learning more and more that the circumstances in life are not the main events...the main events are the way God shows up in the midst of circumstances.  The main events are the choices we get to make as we navigate through the circumstances of our lives.  The main events are the ways we are transformed as we yield our lives to God.  

I am so glad that He gave me ears to hear and eyes to see Him at work.  I wouldn't trade it, not for anything.

And we know that in all things god works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28 NIV

Confirmation

Yesterday, as I was driving to work I prayed.  It was the fifth day at my new job.  It had been a week of adjusting to working again, an exhausting week.  I felt hopeful about my new job.  I liked the people and the work did not seem overwhelming.  I knew that this was the job God had provided for me.  But...the perfectionist part of me, the part of me that loves money, the hoarding part of me had lingering doubts all week.  There were jobs out there that would pay me more money, some significantly more.  In recent years, I would go for the most money.  I don’t like taking steps backward in salary.

It should be an open and shut case, right?  THIS is the job God provided.  God IS my provider.  This is the salary He is giving me now.  And it is NOT a bad salary.  It is just less than before.  So, what is my problem?  Trust and surrender?  Hmmm.

So, on my way to work yesterday, I prayed.  I thought about what I committed to on January 1^st, that this would be my “year of words.”  …that I would take God at His word.  …that I would speak blessings and not curses.  And that I would trust Him and believe Him for more than I could ever ask or hope for.  I prayed to that end.  I asked Him to make it an extraordinary day.  I wanted to see that my presence there mattered and that it was God-designed.

It was a pleasant day.  I went to lunch with the two Sales Coordinators who report to me and the VP of our division, who treated us to lunch.  We went to Two On Earth Bakery in Pineville, which I had always wanted to try.  It is owned and operated by a couple from my church. (Good food and nice cozy atmosphere)

Throughout the day, I continued to make progress in my learning curve.  I took a few minutes exploring the company’s intranet (internal website).  There were archived company newsletters on the intranet.  I read through several of them.  That is when my day became extraordinary…

The man who hired me is the CFO of our parent company.  I will report to the VP of Finance at my company (he is being hired now), who will report to the CFO of our parent company, therefore the man who hired me is two levels above me in hierarchy.  In perusing the company newsletters, I found that our CFO was named CFO of the year by The Charlotte Business Journal in 2012 for Large Private Company.

In the company newsletter, he humbly thanked everyone who had helped in his success.  He ended his comments by thanking his family by name and then wrote:

"Finally, these things do not happen without divine intervention.  I am a man of deep faith.  I stand humbled in the presence of God.  May God be glorified through his Son, Jesus Christ."

I’d say it became an extraordinary day!

This is particularly significant for me because when I was unemployed, I met with a recruiter who asked me to remove my Religion degree from my resume.  I have a BA in Accounting and Religion.   This recruiter told me that potential employers could be offended by my Religion degree…they could make assumptions about me (his example was that I would talk about my faith too much and that I would try to convert the office to my way of thinking.)  At first, I actually considered it.  Did it matter if my resume said that I had a Religion degree or not?  I certainly didn't want anyone to make wrong assumptions about me.  As much as I tried to rationalize it in order to please the recruiter, I could not.  I decided to present the facts as they are.  Not only that, but I am proud of my double-major.  I think it shows that I have a well-balanced left and right brain.  Furthermore, I do not want to work for an employer who would be offended by my faith.  And if I interview with a person of faith, perhaps they will question me about it and be drawn to me because of it.    

I went to the Charlotte Business Journal Site and I discovered another surprise.  The man who I worked for at two former companies (and one who I used as a reference for this job) was named The Charlotte Business Journal’s CFO of the year 2012 for Small Private Company.  Both men are humble Christians.  I wonder if they recognized each other when one called the other for a reference for me?  If they did, they did not tell me.

Do I need any more proof or confirmation that this is the position that God has for me at this time in my life?  I shouldn't.  But He is so patient with me and He is pursuing me so kindly...that He put one more nail in the coffin of my doubt.

When I awoke this morning to my phone alarm, I read today’s Daily Bible Devotion App for Saturday, March 9^th AM:

You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine. (NLT) Psalm 4:7

Have you ever thought about having an abundance of money?  We seem to think it solves all problems, but in reality it doesn’t bring lasting joy.  Your problems only change.  It is possible to have a greater joy which leads to a changing of your mind.  A relationship with God is a greater blessing than any amount of money.  Where does your joy come from and is it abundant?

Bring it on, Lord, bring on the abundance of joy.  I will trust You for more than I could ask or hope for.  You know what I need.

At the end of my time in Italy, I wrote that He is Enough...I was reminded over and over again that He gives me what I need.  My need is the size of a cup compared to His Ocean of provision.  Now, I will say and believe this in a new way...He is More than Enough.  My cup is not just filled...my cup overflows. 

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,

    His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

    Great is Your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion:

    therefore I will wait for Him."  Lamentations 3:22-24

Do You Pray for an Easy Life?

When I was on the St. Giles Women's Retreat over the weekend of February 22nd, I had a very vivid dream.  I had just finished reconnecting with Helen Atwood, Pastor Nate's beautiful and grace-filled wife.  She was a dear friend years ago when I attended St. Giles and she had spoken kind words to me back then.  

In my very vivid dream, Helen said to me, "Janice, I am not going to pray for you to have an easy life."  I responded with conviction, "No!  I do not want an easy life.  I want a significant life."

I was so firmly confident in my words to Helen in my dream.  It seemed so real. When I woke up, it made me smile.

I don't know if I have prayed for an easy life in the past.  I do know that I expected an easy life.  I expected smooth sailing.  I expected a fairy tale ending.  For years, I lived in bitter disappointment.  My life had not turned out the way I had dreamed that it would.  I didn't realize that most human beings share the same sentiment.

We live in a fallen world.  We are a people in desperate need of a Savior.  Wounded people wound people. There is no utopia this side of Heaven.  It is a mixed bag. But, oh, there are sweet moments.  There are moments of wonderful.  

I would not say that I have had an easy life thus far.  I did not receive the husband of my youth for whom I so deeply longed.  I have not received a nuclear family thus far in my life.  I am forty-eight years young and I am still waiting to see what God will do.  I have grieved my disappointment.  I have felt the pain of unmet longing.  It has hurt.

When I was 36, I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer.  I lost both of my ovaries along with my hair.  I went through chemotherapy.  I grieved again, knowing that there would never be a little girl in my life who looked like me.  But I can say with conviction that the season of battling my cancer was one of the sweetest times in my life.  I experienced love and community from friends and family like I never had before...like I had never dreamed that I would.  It was like there was a big banner over my life during that season that said, " I AM LOVED." 

My Dear Friend, Swooz, shaved my head when my hair began falling out...

Just 3 years after my Ovarian Cancer I lost my Daddy to Alzheimers.  He was 80.  I had prayed over and over in my bed when I was a little girl for my parents to live long lives.  I remember asking the Lord to let him live until at least 80.  How sweet that God obliged me.  Then, just 8 months later, I unexpectedly lost my Mom at age 76.  She had a severe stroke.  I had the privilege of sleeping in her hospital room in a cot beside her bed for the last 4 days of her life here on earth.  She was in a coma, but I talked to her believing that she could hear me with her spirit, that she knew that I was there.  I sang to her and I thanked her and I prayed for her and I read scripture to her.  I talked to her about all of our friends and relatives who had gone on before us.  I like to think that I helped to prepare her for Heaven.  She was afraid of dying.  I had the privilege of singing the Doxology over her body just minutes after she ascended into Heaven.  I had the joy of speaking at her funeral and at my father's funeral.  Losing them was painful.  One is never ready to say goodbye...but scripture came alive to me in a new way.  Psalm 34:18 is really true, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Paul and Dolores Lawrence, married 51 years

Toxic shame has been another source of pain in my life.  In my perfectionism, I somehow believed that I was inherently broken.  I grew up thinking that there was something horribly wrong with me.  Everyone else seemed to have it together but I just could not be good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, talented enough. My journey in this regard has included years of Christian therapy and hard-fought battles.  I have come a long way.  I have learned about God's grace and I embrace it more and more each day.  I have grace for myself now and grace for others.  This journey has been painful but I wouldn't trade what I have learned.  

Tomorrow ends a season of rest for me.  I will begin a new job.  I had two lovely months of unemployment. I never mind these seasons of unemployment since they are few and far between and they offer me a chance to rest and be free.  This time I was able to trust God more than in the past.  I didn't worry about what was next.  I told him on January 1st of this year that this was a year that I would take Him at His Word.  I am trusting Him for more than I could ask or hope for...more than I would choose for myself.

Another difficult life lesson for me centers around work.  For the longest time, I believed that work was part of the curse.  I  know that work became more difficult after the curse, but work is not a curse.  It took me a long, long time to understand that work is a good thing.  I have benefitted in numerous ways from the jobs I have held.  In each job, I have met amazing people.  I keep a few friends in my life from every job.  They are rewards to me.  Work provides me with a needed structure in my life. It is good for me to have the discipline of getting out of bed at a regular time.  It is good for me to be stretched mentally and intellectually and socially.  So, I have learned to embrace my work.

Tomorrow is a new beginning.  A new chapter of my work life.  It will not be easy. Work never is.  Life never is.  But looking back, I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade the lessons I have learned.  I wouldn't trade how God is using all of life to mold me into the woman I am becoming.  No, I am not having an easy life.  I am experiencing a significant life.  May it grow in significance.  



²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Bonus Moms: Then, there was Helen

Dear, sweet Helen is a Bonus Mom whom I shared with my BFF, Laura.  I first met Helen in January of the year 2000.  I had signed up to serve in a para-church ministry in Charlotte called Love, INC (Love In the Name of Christ).  Love INC was created to minister to the poor and elderly in our community.  It was created to come along side social service agencies and help in ways they could not reach. Many different churches in the community enlist volunteers.  A sign-up sheet had been passed around my church.  I checked the box that said "drive someone to the grocery store or run errands."  I thought to myself, how hard can that be?

It was many years before I heard from Love INC again.  I had forgotten about it. Then one day a social worker called me and asked if I would be willing to take a lady named Helen Medlin to the grocery store.  She lived in low income (Salvation Army) Senior housing uptown Charlotte called Booth Gardens.  Booth Gardens is a very nice place for the money.  The units are small.  Helen had a tiny galley kitchen with a very small refridgerator.  She went to the grocery store just once per month. That made it hard to fit everything in the small fridge and freezer.  But somehow, she managed.

To be honest, I wasn't sure about this volunteer opportunity.  I had just returned from visiting my parents in Pennsylvania over Christmas.  I was sad because my father was showing ever increasing signs of dementia.  This trip home was the first time he did not know my name.  I remember having a heavy heart the day I called Helen for the first time.  She wasn't sure she really needed my help.  She had some relatives in the area who sometimes took her grocery shopping.  But they were not consistent.  We arranged for me to pick her up the following Saturday to go to the grocery store.

When I pulled up to the apartment complex, Helen was waiting for me on a bench outside.  She had her walker beside her and she had dark glasses on.  Helen had bad knees and even worse vision.  She wore dark glasses in the sunlight due to macular degeneration (a disease that affects the elderly which causes one to go blind).  She walked VERY slowly hunched over and pushing her walker with wheels.

I learned in the car that Helen was 79 years old and had lived at Booth Gardens approximately 8 years.  She married at 17 (her husband was supposed to have a date with her sister, who was not interested.)  Helen was smitten from the beginning and it lasted until his death 58 years later.  I would see later that she kept a picture of him beside her bed.

Helen and her husband adopted two daughters.  She said that she always wanted a son but never got one.  I wish I could remember the stories...they were unique. Almost like they were dropped onto her doorstep.  They were legal adoptions but she had somehow known the mothers.  It wasn't like she registered with an agency.

One of her daughters had already passed away when I met Helen.  She died at age 50 of Lung Cancer.  The other daughter lived in Charleston, SC.  Too far away to take Helen to the grocery store.  Helen missed her independance fiercely and wished that she could drive.  But her failing eyesight had robbed her of that privilege.

So that was how I found myself at a Bi-Lo on the "wrong side of town" with my new friend, Helen.  She would bring a list each time which was hard to read due to her failing eyesight.  We would walk ever so slowly down each aisle, Helen leaning on her walker as I loudly described the items in passing ..."Now we are at jellies and jams....do you need any jelly or peanut butter?  What kind do you want?"  

I learned a lot on these trips.  I learned that people actually do eat liver mush.  I learned that one could over-dress to go grocery shopping (that would be me, on trip #1).  I learned that the first of the month on a Saturday was the worst time to go to a grocery store "on the wrong side of town."  The store was extremely crowded and waiting in line to pay seemed to take forever.  Some people in front of us in line had as many as 4 different vouchers.  I learned that prices really do matter.  If the price was too high ($2.89 for broccoli), Helen would shake her head and we would walk away.  Once in the meat section, a man excused himself to reach in front of us to get some meat.  Then he put it back down and shook his head with a smile, "I guess I won't be buying meat today at that price..."  I learned that I was spoiled.  I couldn't recall putting something back at the grocery store because it was too expensive.

I picked up some handy tips, too.  Helen taught me to make muffins with craisins in them.  She told me to soak the craisins in water first so that they wouldn't dry out the muffins.  

When we would return to Helen's apartment complex, I would have to find the grocery cart.  It would be hiding in the laundry room or sometimes in the bushes.  I would load all of the groceries that were in my trunk into the grocery cart and wheel it to Helen's tiny apartment.  Then I would unload it onto Helen's counters and take the cart back to the laundry room before I would return to help Helen put away her things.  

From start to finish, these grocery trips took 3 to 4 hours.  I found it exhausting. So did Helen, with her bad knees and failing sight, it was not easy.  She was ever so grateful, though.  She always had a donation for Love, INC which she would give to me to pass on.  

It wasn't very long before she started to say, "I love you."  She would say it on the phone and she would say it more than once before I left her.  She really did love me.  I loved her, too.  She was easy to love.

I didn't always look forward to the grocery shopping.  I loathed it, over time, to be honest.  I loved Helen, though, and I began to learn that loving someone requires a sacrifice of self.  Loving Helen meant grocery shopping on the first Saturday of the month on "the wrong side of town."  But she was worth it.

In June of 2001, I had emergency surgery for Ovarian Cancer followed by 6 months of chemotherapy.  I asked my BFF, Laura, if she would be willing to take my friend, Helen, grocery shopping.  Helen was so easy to love that I knew Laura would love her, too.  I was right. 

Helen, Janice, Laura, and Tyler

Helen, Laura, and Tyler

Laura took her faithfully while I recovered from cancer.  Then, when I was well enough, Laura and I began to share the responsibility.  Helen became a Bonus Mom to both of us.  We took her to dinner on her birthday each year.  We bought her Christmas presents.  After my mother died in 2004, I began to buy Helen the clothes that I would have bought my mother.  My mother loved Alfred Dunner clothes.  They are comfortable and well-made (sold in nicer department stores as opposed to Walmart or Target).  It gave me great pleasure to buy Helen nice clothes.

After several years of taking Helen grocery shopping, she took a turn for the worse with her knees and her general health.  She could no longer maintain the relative independence that she had.  She was moved into an assisted living facility.  She was very fortunate to secure a room at a nice facility in the Ballantyne area of Charlotte.  They were required to accept a certain number of Medicaid patients.  In my mind, it was like Helen won the lottery.  But she was very sad to leave her home of more than 10 years.

I wish I could say that I kept up my monthly visits.  I did not.  Laura and I did visit her, though, sometimes together and sometimes on our own.  As Laura had children, Helen doted over them as if they were her own grandchildren.  She delighted in them.  When Laura's first was born, somehow Helen found a way to have a red rocker delivered to Laura's home.  This impressed us as she had only a few dollars per month that she could spend on "extras."

Sometimes I would eat a meal with Helen and her friends at her new "home." On one occasion, there was a family night at the facility.   I attended as Helen's daughter.  She was so pround to have me there.  It was a privilege for me as well. My mother was gone and Elizabeth was gone, but here again was another Bonus Mom dropped into my life.  How good God is!

Unfortunately, my time with Helen ended in a way that I feared that it would.  I had asked the assisted living center if they would be willing to take my number and call me if something happened to Helen.  Due to HIPAA laws, they would not do so. One day when Laura, her children, and I went to visit Helen, we found out that she had passed away.  She had been gone for 3 weeks.  It had probably been 2 months since I had seen her.

We felt awful, needless to say.  Why did I wait so long?  Life gets in the way.    It is easy to get lazy about visiting our older friends.  She was truly precious to me.  She was a gift that I took forgranted, over time.  If I could go back, I would be more consistent in my time with her.  But there is no going back.

I imagine that she is in Heaven now and she has met my mom, Dolores, and Elizabeth, my first bonus mom. They laugh about me and my silly ways.  They also talk about how much they love me.  They see from afar how God is changing me. How I have learned from them and continue to learn and grow. And they cheer me on.  

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 
Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV