Philippines 2014: Initial Thoughts

Women's Retreat in Pozorrubio

I have been avoiding this—the writing about my trip to the Philippines.  Rarely at a loss for words and guilty on countless occasions of exceeding the recommended 500 word limit for blog posts; I am known for throwing propriety and caution to the wind.  I write until I am done with my thoughts.  Perhaps it is fear that keeps me from writing now; fear that words might fail to do justice to what my heart knows to be true.

Don’t let me be guilty of overdone platitudes: “I went to give but how much more I received,” or “I thought I would serve but it was they who served me.” Not that any of that is untrue.  It just isn’t enough.

You have to know this about me first—I am sentimental, but I am not.  I am romantic, but I am not. Tears do not come easily to me.  I am a realist.  I am suspicious.  I have learned not to expect too much and therefore, I am often pleasantly surprised.

All that I knew was that I was supposed to go.  I didn’t know why.  Honestly, I wasn’t the least bit excited about this journey even a week before.  Oh, I pretended to be excited.  Truthfully, I held more dread than anticipation. What if the heat was unbearable?  What if I felt suffocated being around people for two weeks?  Where would I find the peace and solitude that I crave?  What if I don’t sleep and get cranky and horribly offend someone?

Please understand, I am the same woman who stood on a hill overlooking Jerusalem in 2000, surrounded by friends who were weeping for joy at their first sight of the Holy Land, all the while feeling nothing but shame for having no tears of my own.  I was miserably tired, hot, and unimpressed by the pale beige tones of the desert and the pierce of the thorny ground into my Birkenstock-exposed toes.  Jet lag is not my friend.

Afraid of setting my expectations too high, the best I knew to do was to lean in to the prayers offered on my behalf.  There must have been more than I even imagined.  I had the privilege of an assignment prior to the trip…the writing of a devotional for the women we would meet in Manila and the provinces, “31 Days of Hope.”  One of the days was about letting go.  For someone like me who lives alone and has the illusion of control, journeying with a group to other side of the world can be daunting.  I took my own advice and it helped.  Well, actually, it was the advice of a friend to me when I was escalating up the hill of a roller coaster I had never ridden before; “Just relax and let it happen.”  And so I did.

It didn’t matter that I didn’t get more than five hours of sleep at a time while I was there.  It didn’t matter that I was drenched with sweat much of the time.  It didn’t matter that there was a typhoon and we were without electricity for an entire day, and portions of days thereafter.  It didn’t matter than I had way too much rice and (sometimes) food that I could not identify. None of that mattered because this adventure, this, was the best trip I have ever taken…even better than Italy.  How could this be?

My heart was fully engaged.  That is what mattered.

On the way to the airport 07_09_2014

Manila...after 38 hours of travel

This rainbow was waiting for us at the Manila airport

Oh, I am not done…this is only the beginning…

Unpacking

My house looks like a bomb went off.  Those of you who know me well are probably thinking, “So what else is new?”  I really have been doing better with my messiness!  

I returned from the Philippines Monday evening after forty straight grueling hours of travel (24 in airplanes).  With no time to completely unpack my bags, my mind, or my heart, I was off to the She Speaks conference in Concord, NC. 

She Speaks is an annual conference put on by Proverbs 31 Ministry.  It is a powerhouse of a conference to train women who feel called to speaking, writing, and/or blogging because they love Jesus.

Wow!  All I can say is, “Wow!”  I know the phrase “drinking from a fire hose” can be overdone, but that is the only way I can describe the past three days. 

I don’t really feel like a Proverbs 31 type of gal.  I have no husband or children.  My life experience is very different from the demographic.  But I felt right at home anyway.   One would think that being in a room with 800 dynamic and beautiful women would be intimidating.  It was, at first.  But in almost every break out session, we were reminded that “There is only one me.  I am the expert at being me.  God wants to use me.” 

This seminar is a testimony to the power of prayer.  It was bathed in prayer.  I felt it.  I have so much more to unpack now.  Bags and memories from a life-changing trip to the Philippines.  An ocean of information from She Speaks.  Where do I begin?  Perhaps not today.  Today is my last day of being forty-something.  I need to just be.  

One of the other great aspects of the conference was the new friendships.  I met the most wonderful women at meals, in my seminars, in the ladies room (you know how us girls can make a party out of going to the bathroom!  And there is always a line…)

I met Carolina from Texas.  She loves teenagers.  Her last husband passed away from pancreatic cancer.  She has remarried (to the love of her life.)  And she is my age!  We had a wonderful time getting to know each other.

I met Natasha from Europe, now living in Greenville, SC.  She is a first generation Christian.  Lovely accent.  She is married with two boys and longs to go back to her home country and tell people about Jesus.  We had wonderful conversation over lunch.

I met Cara from Louisiana.  She is married with 3 children.  Cara lost over 100 pounds after reading Lysa Terkeurst’s book, Made to Crave.  She was so thrilled to meet her in person to say “thank you.”  Cara’s trip to She Speaks was paid for by fund raising back home.  Her friends are so proud of her and wanted to make this event possible for her.

There are many more.  So many unique women with unforgettable stories.  I have gathered amazing new friends in the past three weeks.  Some are oceans away, in Manila or Concepcion or Pozorrubio or Pagrai or Pinapal or Villa Corazon.  I can’t wait to tell you about them.  But for today, I want to revel in being forty-nine.  It has been a fabulous year.  What a ride!

The Summer I Saw the Crape Myrtle

In warmer climates like those of North and South Carolina, there is a beautiful flowering tree commonly known as the Crape Myrtle.  The flowers can be white or pink or purple.  In Charlotte, they line streets and can be found in commercial and private landscaping.  In my neighborhood, I can see them from my bay window when I look out at my neighbor’s yard.

I was reminded of my love of Crape Myrtles this morning as I took my daily walk.  The flowers are beginning to shed and they sprinkle the ground like colorful snowflakes.  

Crape Myrtles make me smile.  Not just because they are so beautiful.  There is a deeper meaning for me.  You see, I had lived in Charlotte for nine years before I ever remember seeing one.  In my personal timeline, I affectionately call it “the summer I saw the Crape Myrtle.”

It was the summer I turned thirty years old.  I had just purchased my very first home in March of that year.  When the Crape Myrtles began their glorious display that summer, the first one I saw was from the view from my dining room window.  It took moving in and settling right next to one for me become curious about them.  What is this lovely tree and where had it been all of my life?

I asked my friends about it and they laughed at me.  Had I not seen them everywhere in Charlotte summers?  I began to see them as if for the first time.  They lined the street on the way to my church.  They are all over my neighborhood, where I had rented for three years before I moved into my own home.  They really seemed to be popping up all over the place.  Why had I never noticed? 

I believe it is because landscaping was irrelevant to my life until I had my own yard to nurture.  Once I took ownership of a piece of land, as small as mine is, I began to notice yards and landscaping everywhere I went.  My eyes became attuned to the colors and the beauty around me as I contemplated my own yard.  I opened my heart and mind to the beauty around me and I was astounded at what I began to see.

Do you have eyes but fail to see and ears but fail to hear…? (Mark 8:18)

That summer my eyes were opened; not only to the beauty of the Crape Myrtle, but to the idea that I am capable of not seeing what is right in front of me.  If I can overlook the Crape Myrtle, what else have I not seen?

When I think of the Crape Myrtle, I am reminded to pray for eyes that see and ears that hear.  What is my role in this life I have been given?  How can I become more attuned to God’s presence and His voice?

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me." (John 10:27)

Learning to discern the voice of God is a lifelong pursuit.  I have to be open to His voice.  Not just open, but hungry for it. 

I don’t want to miss Him.  I am convinced that days go by where I close my mind and heart to what God desires to do in my life.  I don’t want to be like the people Jesus described in Matthew 13:

For this people’s heart has become calloused;

    they hardly hear with their ears,

    and they have closed their eyes.

Otherwise they might see with their eyes,

    hear with their ears,

    understand with their hearts

and turn, and I would heal them.’  (Matthew 13:15)

Oh Father, let me have eyes to see and ears to hear You.  Help me to create space for You in my days.  I don’t want to have a calloused heart.  I want a heart that is open and soft before You.  I want to be healed.

Holy Yoga...An Unexpected Refuge

Picture from Holy Yoga Charlotte Facebook Page

There is something incredibly healing about human touch.  My awareness of this fact is heightened because I do not often receive physical touch.  Gentle touch to the feet can be amazing.  As I was lying with eyes shut, arms out, palms open wide, breathing slowly and deeply…I felt something so nurturing and kind…hands coated with oil, gentle smooth pressure all over my feet in quick strokes.  Soon my feet were covered in a soft swirl of oil and the sense of care swept from my feet to my heart and to my mind…"what a thoughtful and kind way to serve me."  It is humbling.  It is loving.  It is what my Jesus would do.  Kristine, she allowed herself to be Jesus’ hands and heart towards me…towards each of us in the Holy Yoga class.  It didn’t matter that we had never met.  She gave freely. 

After class I told her how I appreciated that act of kindness.  It reminded me of the day that my feet were washed many years ago after a season of temptation and shame.  How Jesus used my friends' hands and prayers to wash me clean.  How I was physically reminded of God’s endless grace and compassion towards me.

She said she doesn’t always do that.  She just tries to listen to the Holy Spirit.  She allows God to change the course of her classes.  It was a class designed for me that day.

I had a difficult week where the voices of my past and the voice of the enemy whispered in my ear.  At every turn, it seemed, even in the midst of kind words towards me, I heard the one negative or the thing that could be taken either way and magnified it in my mind and heart as if it was shouted to me, “I am not enough.  I can’t get it right.  I failed again.”

  

As I drove myself to Carmel Presbyterian for the first time that morning, I prayed that I would find the building and get to the class early enough to get situated.  I had never taken a Yoga class.  Holy Yoga had popped up on my Facebook feed.  I “liked” it with the intention of visiting one day.  This day, I was hoping for some stretching and a little inspiration.  I didn’t know how worshipful it would be.  

When I walked into the room, Kristine greeted me with a beautiful smile and a warm hug.  There was a table set with candles and a box for prayer requests as well as donations ($5 to $8 is suggested).  I filled out a form with my contact information and a waiver not to sue if I injured myself.  Pretty standard for exercise classes.

She had all the equipment ready for me.  I was situated on a mat near the front.  There were some bolsters and bean bags to help with positioning.  Soon, the others filed in and the class began.  I was greeted with smiles and some introductions.

This particular class was called Gentle Holy Yoga…a perfect class for a beginner.  It was as much a worship time as it was a stretching time.  There were several scripture readings read by Kristine from moment to moment, mostly from the Psalms.  Also, a reading from Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling as we stretched and breathed:

“Relax in my healing, holy Presence.  Be still, while I transform your heart and mind.  Let go of cares and worries, so that you can receive my Peace. Cease striving, and know that I am God.

Do not be like Pharisees who multiplied regulations, creating their own form of “godliness.”  They got so wrapped up in their own rules that they lost sight of Me.  Even today, man-made rules about how to live the Christian life enslave many people.  Their focus is on their performance, rather than on Me. 

It is through knowing Me intimately that you become like Me.  This requires spending time alone with Me.  Let go, relax, be still, and know that I am God.”

In between the readings there was worship music.  My favorite was "No Sweeter Name," sung by Kari Job:

Adobe flash is needed to watch video

As we listened, I heard the most lovely soprano voice singing along with Kari.  It was Kristine.  Later I found out that she is married to the music director at the church.  Her Facebook page tells me that she has a Bachelor of Music in Vocal Performance.  I am not surprised.  But let me be clear, she was not performing.  She was worshipping.  She was singing along intermittently, naturally, beautifully.  It was not distracting at all…it added to the sense of peace and flow and worship.  

I had walked in to the class with a heavy heart.  I left feeling a sense of God’s peace and love for me.  He ministered to me through scripture, music, touch, the sweet aroma of oil and candles, and prayer.  At one point, as she prayed, Kristine even asked what voices we had been listening to in our heads, “Is it my voice?  Is it God’s voice?”  There was a long pause and I thought about my week and added silently, “The enemy’s voice.”  And then Kristine said, “The enemy’s?”

It was as if this class was tailored for the struggles of my week.  I shared this with Kristine afterwards.  She says it is always different.  She doesn’t always use the oil and touch feet.  She has learned to follow the lead of the Holy Spirit.  I looked at my copy of Jesus Calling this morning and I realized that the reading she used was not the reading for the day of our class.  It was the one I needed to hear.

I am reminded once again of how personal God can be to us.  He met me right where I was upon entering that room.  He whispered Peace and Love to me through Kristine’s ministry.  He whispered Hope and Nurture.  And once again I am reminded that He is Enough.  And because He is, I am enough in Him. 

“Cease striving and know that I am God…" 

Psalm 46:10 NASB

To connect with Charlotte Holy Yoga click Here

To learn more about Holy Yoga and find a class near you, click Here

Dreams and Crossroads

I dreamed about a tape measure last night.  My dad was still alive, and I was buying him a Christmas present.

He was hard to buy for...a simple man who was happiest walking in the very field you see pictured above. I wanted to give him something other than the usual socks or underwear.  I found this unique tape measure, in my dream, which was actually two tape measures side by side.  I thought he could use it in his little shop/workbench in the basement.  It was sold with other crafty type stuff included in the box, similar to things I had seen in the nooks and crannies of his work table.  I also got him a paperback novel, which Mom scolded me about, "You know he can't read anymore!"  Okay, I thought in my dream, I won't give him the book.  The double tape measure will be enough.

I woke up, dream so vivid, and I asked God what it meant.  I may let you know when He reveals it. I have learned that often God will let me know what He wants me to know when I ask...it just usually isn't immediate.  

I will hear His voice when I am walking or blow-drying my hair or driving.  It will hit me all-of-the-sudden. I have learned to pay attention.  It is not an audible voice, but a strong thought that hits my mind and heart at the same time.  

So, I don't yet know what He wants to tell me from my dream.  There is also the possibility that the dream is about my subconscious-self speaking to me, revealing what my heart believes is true.  That is good information to have as well.

Once, many years ago, I had a dream about going to church in my bathrobe and curlers.  I was sitting near the front, and on this particular Sunday, the pews moved and revolved so that everyone saw me and I felt embarrassed and woefully unprepared for worship.  

I asked God, when I woke up, what the dream meant.  I was sure it was from Him.  I was frustrated when He did not answer immediately.

But then, hours later, as I opened my mouth to sing in the worship service, the meaning hit me suddenly and clearly...it was like a "whoosh!"  

I sensed God speaking, "Janice, you would never come to church physically unprepared...you always look your best.  How many times have you come to church spiritually and emotionally prepared?  How do you prepare your heart for worship?"

That was a revelation.  That was a call to respond.  During that season of my life, I started to attend a prayer meeting early in the morning before church.  I sensed that I needed to pray before I attended the service, to prepare as much internally as I always did externally.

When God asks something specific of me and I KNOW it, I have a choice.  I have a choice to obey or not. To whom much is given, much is required.  (Reading the Bible is life-changing but loaded...once I know His will and His plan, I am faced with decisions.)  Sure, if I choose not to do as He asks, I can be forgiven. But that forgiveness did not come cheap to God.  Ask Him about Jesus.

My holiness is not dependent on my righteousness, it is based on Christ's righteousness.  It is based on accepting and knowing that it is only because of Jesus that I am "saved."

But...walking with God is a relationship.  It is an opportunity to grow deeper in love with Him and to grow into maturity and into a life-that-is-truly-life.  An opportunity to become who I was created to be.  THAT cannot happen without obedience.

We face this crossroad daily, those of us who call ourselves Christian.  We have forks in the road where we get to choose to obey or to do our own thing.  Sometimes we feel that we are getting away with something when we say no to God and know that He still loves us and forgives us.  But we are lying to ourselves.  And even though there is no escaping God's love, there is also no escaping some of the consequences of disobedience.

It is true that He loves us more than we can know.  He will forgive us if we repent, but we are not getting away with anything...we are cheating ourselves out of the life that we were created to live.  When we say "no" to God, we deny ourselves deeper intimacy with our Creator.  We stifle our own spritual growth and growth as human beings.  

Saying "yes" can be painful and require sacrifice.  But the joy...the joy and peace is SO worth it.  

I'm not gonna lie and say I've learned my lesson.  I will still say "no" to God at times...I am human and I am selfish and I struggle to say "yes."  My desire is to learn to say "Yes!" more and more so that the "no's" are fleeting.  

With each "yes" I am stepping closer to His heart.

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow Me..."  

John 10:27 KJV

When Is It More Lonely to Be With Someone Than to Be Alone?

This video is being passed around on Facebook...which is kind of ironic, given the subject matter.  What do you think about it?

Note: This video is on You Tube (click here).  If you cannot see it on your smartphone, please check it out from your computer.  It truly is worth a watch.

Look Up Video by Gary Turk

I like it.  I confess, I have been guilty of being the one "looking down."  I have also found myself sitting next to someone who was the one "looking down."  It was a lonely experience. 

I have been told, over the years, that there is no more lonely place than to be in a marriage and feel isolated.  I imagine that is true.  I am thankful that I have not experienced that kind of loneliness.

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowded room?  I have.  And yet, I took a trip overseas by myself and I did not feel lonely.  Why is that?  Perhaps it has to with expectations and focus.

When I traveled to Italy solo in 2008, I knew that I would be alone much of the time.  I embraced it and I prepared myself for it.  It was a wonderful adventure in which I felt satisfied just being with myself and my God.  I reveled in the triumph of it, really.

My travels were in the days before Facebook for me.  I was able to get to an Internet kiosk every so often and send a letter home to friends and family.  The letters are included at the beginning of this Blog, Travelling Solo.  Sometimes, there would be replies waiting for me.  This communication was valuable for me and reminded me that I had people thinking of me and rooting for me back home.  I was thousands of miles away but we still connected on some level.  I guess I wasn't really alone at all.

The times I have felt terribly lonely in a room full of people were times when I did not feel connected to anyone in the room at that moment...times when I felt insignificant.  Times when I was believing lies in my head that said, "No one cares that I am here."  Or, "Everyone else is having more fun than me." Kind of self-absorbed, wasn't I?

I am learning a lot about myself.  Some good things and some not-so-great things.  Information is power.  

I have learned to ask myself an important question, "What do I need?"  The answer is not always the same.  If I put myself in a room full of people when I am sensing the need to be alone, I will not thrive.  I may offend someone.  I won't be the best conversationalist and I may leave feeling more empty and alone than when I arrived.

Conversely, sometimes I need to be around a group of people.  I feel energized in the company of people whom I value.  There is an energy in the room that I pick up within myself.  It's a bonus when I can laugh with others. Laughter is a medicine which my soul craves.  Sometimes I need to be with people so that I am reminded that I am not alone.

I am so grateful for the many friends and loved ones in my life who share moments and memories with me.  I value our conversations and our pondering.  I treasure the times we have laughed together, yes, even when it is at my expense.  Life is rich because of you.

My Friend

Sometimes I hear God 

through the thoughts He plants in my mind

in response to my earnest prayers.

Sometimes I hear Him through your voice.

Sometimes it seems that I am laying in God's 

strong hand at night...

like my mattress is the cushions of His hand.

Sometimes I feel Him through your arms.

Sometimes I see God in the clouds on a sunny day,

or in a breathtaking view of mountains 

or an ocean that spans infinity.

Sometimes I see Him in your eyes.

Sometimes I feel understood by God

through reading His timeless Word

and sitting before Him in silence.

Sometimes I feel understood because you listen.

                                                  JKL 5-7-14

Easter