Friday, April 18, 2014

More Perilous Tales of Online Dating...



Warning:  PG13 Content


What does Friends' Ugly Naked Guy have to do with Online Dating?




Well...you decide.  Here is one of my latest "matches" from eHarmony:



I couldn't make this stuff up, friends.  Yes, I did call eHarmony and complain and they did remove this man's photo (not the match)...he is a real person and he does live in North Carolina.  And according to eHarmony, we are the perfect match.  Looks like he is active today as I write this but he no longer has a photo attached to his profile.

Nothing surprises me any longer.  For those of you who are married or otherwise occupied and have not found yourself in the throes of online matchmaking, consider yourselves very fortunate.  

Some of you say you'd never do it.  I understand that sentiment.  I tried it for almost 10 years (passively, most of the time), primarily on match.com.  I have many stories.  When I quit, I vowed to never do it again.  It was more frustrating than anything.

So how did I find myself here again?  I am an adventurer.  I am a romantic.  I do believe in love.  I don't know of a better way to meet someone who may not currently be in my demographic but may be perfect for me.  In my daily life, I do not normally meet available Christian men in my age range.  (Yes, I am only interested in Christian men).

This is not for the faint of heart.  It is not for the insecure.  It is not for the gullible or undiscerning. Honestly, I have been protected from near disaster many-a-time.

Just a few days ago, another near-miss was revealed to me.  I was working on Turbo Tax trying to finish by the April 15th deadline (yes, even CPA's procrastinate!), and I looked at the local news for a temporary distraction.  One of the headlines was about a man who was a local coach, now banned for life due to sexual misconduct with a minor.  The name sounded familiar.  I was talking with a coach by the same name in November.  We had met on Christian Mingle.  He wanted to have coffee.  I felt a check about it. Not sure why, but I decided to say no.  

I had to do some digging to find a picture of this banned coach.  I found one from last October, just after his arrest.  It was him...my Christian Mingle match!  I am so thankful that we did not meet.    

You may have read my post called Historical (Hysterical?) Dating Disasters.  I describe some of the matches from the past that convinced me that I would never try this platform again.  

Most recently, I did 3 months on Christian Mingle and 4 months on eHarmony. This time around, I am very clear about who I am and what I desire in a partner.  Frankly, I haven't "met" many men, as even among "Christian" men, very few are interested in dating without sex.  That is a boundary I have set.  I want it all...I just want it in God's order.

So in addition to "naked shaving man," I have met "angry controlling man," "severely emotionally wounded man," and "painfully neurotic man."

Okay, maybe I am quick to judge.  God forgive me.  But shouldn't I be selective about this sort of thing?  

I have been criticized in the past by well-meaning friends about being "too hard on men."  As in most criticism, there is an element of truth in it.  As I have learned to receive grace and give it to myself and others, I have stopped looking for perfection.  I don't expect anyone to be perfect any longer.  But I am looking for one who is perfect-for-me.

I have learned to listen to that "still small voice," to that "inner check," and to trust my gut.  One very recent encounter reminded me that the "check" in my spirit is a form of self-protection.

There was a man very eager to chat with me on eHarmony.  Something he said seemed a little "off" but as the words of my friends echoed in my head (the "you are too hard on men" words), I chose to continue communicating against my better judgment. 

We talked on the phone one night.  Again, I felt a check but I couldn't even put words on it all.  He texted me and asked for a date.  I politely said, "No, thank you."  Then his true colors started to shine.  He was livid.  How could I turn him down?  He texted me 6 times in a row, he sent me 4 messages on eHarmony, he tried to leave a message on this blog and he friended me on Facebook...all within a few hours.  

The content of his messages vacillated between self-defense ("I'm a good man!") to abrasive ("You are un-Christ-like!" and "No wonder why you are single!")

I blocked him, did not accept his friend request, and did not post his message here on the blog.  Thank goodness for administrative rights.  

If a man is that defensive and that angry when we don't even have a relationship, what would be in store for the object of his affection?

Once again, I thank God for discernment and for His protection.  It is needed when venturing online.  It is needed daily even when not online.  But you know what I mean...

I also posted a Blog recently about the shortage of Christian men who adhere to Biblical guidelines for living and sexuality.  It is called Will the Real Christian Men Please Stand Up?  It seems to be a cultural phenomenon, although not just among men, to be fair.  I recently read an article online that aptly described it as "sexual atheism."  I think that is the perfect term for it.  

Here is the article from Christian Post.com

This is an excerpt from the conclusion of the article written by Kenny Luck (Kenny says it better than I ever could):


To say that professing or self-described Christians are becoming more liberal means that their reference point for assessing and practicing sexuality is more cultural and personal rather than biblical or spiritual. It means that they possess a low view of God and Scripture and a high view of self and culture as the key drivers of their moral and sexual behavior.
Practical sexual atheism among Christians says God can speak into some things but not sex. This ultimate expression of self-deception and loss of mind goes all the way back to the garden, when a certain character asked Adam and Eve: "Did God really say that?" They took the bait and, apparently, so are the majority of single Christians in the garden of love, sex and dating. They are listening to the voice that says, "Eat and have your eyes opened." Like the first couple, God's single men and women are letting fear win over faith and curiosity win over Christ with inevitable and untold prices to pay.
But it is not a time to act high and mighty. It is time to act graciously but truthfully with our single brothers and sisters. For they, along with us, will have that moment in front of the living Christ, and we want that moment to be the best it can possibly be. To realize such an epic and eternal moment, we not only have to pray for them, but we also have to equip them practically with the best possible teachings and tools that serve to restore a vision of God that transforms them in their context.
We have to engage the culture, not run.
Abstinence is not an easy path.  But before marriage, it is the BEST path.  I would even go so far to say that it is a form of worship.  It is saying, with body, mind and spirit, "Not my will, but Thine be done."

For those of you who are reading my perilous stories, please don't throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water.  I am on eHarmony.  Perhaps there are other women like me on there.  I do not know; I don't get to peruse the women.  I only see the men who are deemed a "match" for me.

In addition to the aforementioned men here-in, there is one right now who shares my values.  He is fast becoming a lovely friend.  He is a friend-with-potential.  I told my niece that I will call him "Mr. FOP" (friend-of-potential).  

He has given me permission to mention him without using his name.  (Thank you, Mr. FOP!)  He is an honorable man who is quite traditional and he loves God with his whole heart.  I think we have great potential of being friends for a lifetime, even if nothing more.  Although, there is potential for more as well.  Only time will tell...

Online dating is perilous.  So is life.  My caution to friends online is the same that I would give to friends who meet potential partners at church, at work or at the grocery...be prayerful, be discerning, and trust your gut.  And try not to let cynicism grow...yes, there are many bad apples.  But we are not in search of a whole orchard; only one.  :) 


12 comments:

  1. Wow. Oh, wow. . oh, WOW! Praising God for sending the Holy Spirit, and that "still small voice" of protection - - as He reveals Himself to be our TRUE Husband, Lover, and Protector! And, dear girlfriend, THAT YOU ARE WISE ENOUGH to submit to obeying it. WHEW!

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    1. Thanks Fuller! It is amazing how much more there probably is that we don't ever know about. I am glad I got another glimpse this week of God's protection...

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    2. This was great, Janice! I appreciate all your insights and candor. We're all in a trust walk, really. Not everyone is as in touch with that. Keep the updates coming!

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    3. Thanks Bebe! Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  2. This reminds me of my single days. It can be frustrating for sure.

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    1. Yes, very. It is hard sometimes to know how much effort to put in to finding someone. What does it really mean to "wait" on the Lord? How passive should waiting be? Pray, yes, but what is "doing my part?" I think it means different things to different people. It is nice to see that you found Mare Cris! You two look very happy! Blessings...

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  3. I'm with you on this - I went on Christian Mingle 3 times for a total of a year (broken up over time). Didn't meet anyone there but some great friends (both male and female); I also have a Mr. FOP. I am waiting on the Lord for my husband and for the time being Jesus is my husband......great article!

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  4. Hi Nan! Thanks for reading and commenting. Best wishes and Happy Easter!

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  5. Oh man do I ever relate to this post! I'm sure we could swap some pretty ridiculous stories. However, I recently found a wonderful man of God online (so far so good). Who knows what it will turn out to be? Maybe just a little gift from God saying, "see, there really are some good ones left." Either way, I'm trusting in him and like you, relying on the Spirit for guidance and discernment.

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    1. Wonderful to hear, Rachel! Thanks for commenting. Maybe we can collaborate on a book one day!

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  6. Janice, I only just now saw your comment on my despondent post here (http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/sex-drugs-abuse-and-suicide-my-journey-from-the-darkness-to-pro-life-activi#comment-1220183326), and I wanted to thank you.

    I have been looking over your blog, and I ask myself the same question I have asked about a couple of my "adopted aunts" from church: how did such lovely, Godly women have to wait so long?! If I were in your generation, I would have been on you in a heartbeat ;) (Not the best way to express a compliment, but I assure you it is intended with the utmost sincerity).

    I, too, have dabbled in the realm of online dating, utterly unimpressed with most of the girls it matches me with. I have been feeling kind of sad for the past month because I actually met an amazing girl and had a great first date with her (for 4 hours!), but when I called her for a second one, she asked if she could let me know when she's free (she is a Masters student in engineering, so legitimately busy), but despite a few more attempts to followup with her a week later, I never heard from her again. :(

    I wish you the best with your new acquaintance! And thank you for your encouragement.

    -Ed

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    1. Thanks Ed! I wish you God's best...don't give up. Keep becoming who you were meant to be and keep your eyes and ears open. God will direct your path.

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