Dating at 49: Pick Your Poison

That’s what I feel like dating is like…pick your poison.  We have all been broken at one time or another.  Especially at 49…life has a way of beating us up.  Some of us have fought back.  Some of us have wrestled with God until we yell, ‘Uncle!” and surrender.  But even then, even then, we can grow spiritually and never grow emotionally.  Some of us have the wounds of little girls and little boys in our hearts.  Terrible, gaping wounds left by our parents who had their own gaping wounds.  Pain begets pain. 

I have viewed the pain in my life as God’s consuming fire.  When I broke up with a man that I once thought I would marry, 20 years ago, I cried and prayed as we said goodbye, “Oh, the fire hurts...but I want to be beautiful...and I don't want Him to stop until He is finished with me."  And 5 days later, in the same journal, I wrote, “God--I thank you for your goodness, your protection, your consuming fire in my life.  Burn away the impurities and make me shine like gold."

That was  April, 1993.  My first Internet-introduced date recently, this time around, was at a Pancake House.  We clicked immediately in conversation and had talked several hours on the phone for about 5 days before we met.  He had told me that he had a prayer ministry and a gift from the Holy Spirit in knowing things about people.  I asked him during our meal if God had told him anything about me.  At first he said no, then he quickly changed it to “yes.”  He said:

"God has told me that you have a heart of gold.  Do you know how gold is refined through fire?  You have a heart of gold that has been refined as through fire."

When I heard those words, it pierced my spirit.  I knew that those words were from God.  I said immediately, "I have been through many fires."  It wasn’t until the morning of November 17th, over 3 weeks later, that I thought  to find my journal from 1993.  There on the page, I read the words, “…make me shine like gold.”

Coincidence?  No, I have learned over the years to hear the voice of God, and I know that I know that I know that God was showing me that He has heard my prayers.  He is a God of detail.

The fire?  Oh, the fire has been many things in my life.  The fire has been years of therapy to get over toxic shame, legalism and self-hatred, years of sexless, touch less singleness and loneliness, Ovarian Cancer and chemotherapy, losing my reproductive system and mourning the family I never had, Endometrial cancer, losing my parents within 8 months of each other, job losses, friendship losses, the deaths of two “bonus moms.”  And the fire will continue to burn.  It will continue until I am Heaven-bound.  It will burn until the day that I receive my new body and I see my Lord.  Then “I will be like Him, for I will see Him as He is.” 

Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.  I John 3:2

This man with the gift of knowledge?  We are dating, but not exclusively.  I am mindful that he may have entered my life for no other reason than to give me a message from the Lord.  And I am seeing glimpses of why I may be in his life.  It may be for no other reason than to challenge him to grow in ways he has neglected.  I am direct like that.  God, help us!  

So the adventures continue…this dating game, this game of, “pick your poison.”  Nothing is ever simple in my life.  At this age, we are all wounded and battle-scarred.  The question is, what wounds can I live with?  And who will be able to love me "in spite of" the wounds in me...even if I do not change?


Addendum:  This post has really resonated with people in good and bad ways. More people have read this one post than any other I have written.  I have had some criticism from people who know me and love me.  The main criticism was a reminder that yes, I went through the fires and yes, at one time in my life I was broken and "stuck," but that is not who I am today.  Today, I am not stuck. God has revolutionized my life.  I am whole.  

I didn't mean to imply that I was permanently broken.  I do know that there is no perfection this side of Heaven and sometimes relationships bring up old wounds that need attention.  I want to encourage and empathize with those who do feel broken and stuck.  God will not leave you there.  What I have learned is that He always meets me more than halfway, but I do have to do my part.  My part has been seeking Him, entering into fellowship and accountability, seeking healing, and in some cases, doing the hard work that takes time and effort.

I am so thankful for all that God has done in my life.  Thank you for reading.

Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart
Let me be as gold, pure gold
Refiner's fire

My heart's one desire

Is to be holy

Set apart for You, Lord

I choose to be holy

Set apart for You, my Master

Ready to do Your will

Purify my heart

Cleanse me from within

And make me holy

Purify my heart

Cleanse me from my sin

Deep within

BY:  Brian Doerksen

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