Fresh Bread: No More Moldy Manna Part II

In my recent post I talked about life with one salad spinner.  It has been about 10 years since that season.  My salad spinner is wearing out...it just doesn't spin like it used to.  It may be time for a new one.

I have needed tune ups since that lesson with my dear friends.  My niece, Erin, also has superb organizational skills and in 2012 she visited and helped me purge more of my extra possessions. 

Here's the funny thing about possessions...you can get rid of all you want but if you keep bringing more home...you will end up right back where you started.  
Even though I didn't buy another salad spinner, I bought plenty of clothes, shoes, jewelry, and other sundry items that I didn't always need.  

I have found that the more stuff I have, the more time I spend caring for it, cleaning it, organizing it (or not and stepping around it).  Frankly, I am weary of this cycle.

In the process of lifestyle change, some things are trial and error.  Some habits die hard.  That doesn't mean giving up.  That just means it takes several tries to get it right...to move forward.  I hate to even use the phrase "get it right" because there is no perfection this side of heaven.  What I mean, is getting to a healthier place...a place closer to balance.  For people like me with "all or nothing" tendencies, that doesn't mean selling everything and living on the street.  It means cultivating a healthier relationship with my possessions and holding them loosely.  It means sharing my extras and thinking twice before I bring something new in to my home, "Do I need this?" and maybe, "What will I let go of in order to make space for this?"

I am finding myself in a new season of "letting go." It seems I must empty my life of certain things in order to make room for something better.  The process can be painful at times, but it is exciting, too.  This God I serve is wild and passionate and has a remarkable sense of humor.  I say "never" and He says, "Oh, really?"  Then I say, "Yes, please."

I had always heard that "things" don't provide happiness.  I believed it, to a degree, but I had to find out for myself.  It's true.  Totally true.  I like nice things...but they do not feed my soul.  Not one bit.  

There is nothing in this world that satisfies like pursuing God.  Nothing.  That is because He is my Creator.  He knows me better than anyone.  He created me for a purpose and for life that is truly life.  He designed me to reflect His glory and to be his hands and feet and voice during the brief days I am here.  May I continue to walk forward in to whatever He has for me.  May I continue to let go of anything that weighs me down.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame,and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.   Hebrews 12:1-3

Happy Birthday Momma

Here are three beautiful versions of the Doxology

 because I love the number three...

Father, Son , and Holy Spirit

Happy Birthday Momma.  The last time I saw you, it wasn't really you.  You had left your earthly shell, I am sure, and what was left was the body you had inhabited for seventy-six years.  There was so much peace in that hospital room. I sensed that it was a holy moment...that mysterious transition between this life and the next.  How does it happen?  What does it feel like?  You know.  You know now.

All I knew to do was to worship.  I sang the Doxology over your lifeless body.  

Praise God, from whom all blessings flow

Praise Him, all creatures here below

Praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

AMEN

How many hundreds of times had we stood in our Baptist church and sang that song together, you and I.  You and me and Dad, too.  We sang after every offering.  We knew it by heart.  When I close my eyes, I can still hear us singing together.

How grateful I am that you faithfully took me to church!  I am so grateful for these precious memories.  I am grateful for all that I learned during those years. I am who I am because of it. I am who I am because of you.

I can hear your laughter, too, when I close my eyes.  It always made me smile. You even laughed when I threw a cup of milk in your face.  You were teasing me about putting a note on the bulletin board at church about the long underwear I lost at the winter retreat.  I thought you were serious.  I was so mad I just tossed that milk right in your face.  We were both shocked.  And then, you laughed.

Today is your birthday.  You would have been 86 today, had you stayed here.  I cannot believe that you have been gone ten years!  A whole decade in June. You have missed everything and you have missed nothing.  I wonder sometimes if you are a witness to our lives or if you are blissfully unaware of life here. Either way, you are the wiser.  You are where I long to be.  And heaven seems a lot more real and much closer now...

Life With One Salad Spinner: No More Moldy Manna

I am a pack rat and a collector.  I grew up in a home where we wasted nothing. Nothing was discarded if it was still useful.  We never had any reason to have a yard sale because we didn't get rid of anything unless it was broken or far beyond its usefulness. That kind of goes with the territory for those of us who were raised by depression era parents.  Both of my parents lived through the Great Depression and had sad stories to tell...Dad would say that he and his six brothers couldn't go out on a date the same night because they shared one good pair of pants.  Mom would tell me tales of not being able to participate in the Christmas program at church because a new pair of pajamas was required and they did not have the money for such a luxury.  I was doomed to be a hoarder.

I didn't even realize there was a condition out there called hoarding until Oprah brought it to light on one of her programs.  Now we have the reality shows about it, which, I am convinced most people watch in order to feel better about themselves.  Now, I am not near as bad as what I have seen on TV...that is because I am not a recluse and I don't add animals to the mix.  I occasionally have out-of-town company for which I clean the house from top to bottom.  And every so often I have dinner guests. But the tendency is there, for sure, and I don't enjoy watching the reality shows about it...I think, "there but for the grace of God, go I," and I feel sadness for those people.

It is actually a much deeper issue than being lazy or being greedy...it is an issue of trust.  How much is enough?  Will I have enough?  

Which brings us to moldy manna.  Do you know the story in scripture about the Israelites wandering in the desert for forty years before they entered the promised land?  God provided every need.  He provided food in the form of manna in the morning and quail in the evening.  (See Exodus 16)

The thing was, they were told to gather only enough manna each morning for what they would eat that day.  Only on the day before the Sabbath were they to gather extra.  "However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell."  verse 20

I am convinced that those of us with hoarder tendencies would have been found guilty of holding moldy manna.  We think more is always better.

A few years ago, I was lamenting with some friends about my recent discovery of the term "hoarder" from watching the Oprah show.  These friends are gifted in organizational skills.  They took pity on me and offered to help me to get organized.  They actually spent two full days at my home...one with me here, while we cleaned and organized.  And one full day during the work week where they organized my kitchen and hauled a car load of extra stuff away.  When I came home to my beautifully organized kitchen, I was shown the boxes that were being hauled away.  I was given veto rights.  At first, I had a really hard time letting go of all that they said I did not need.  They explained to me that someone else could really use the extra items.  Letting go would mean a blessing for someone else and a blessing for me.

I think that was what convinced me to give up the second salad spinner.  I had two.  One had been given to me as a gift and one I had bought myself.  I liked having two.  It allowed me to be lazy.  If one was dirty, instead of washing it, I could use the second one.  Then I'd have two that needed washing. 

My friends convinced me that this was not necessary.  They also convinced me that I didn't need a pair of pajamas for every day of the week or as many of a lot of things that I had.

It felt really good to lighten my load, get more organized, and bless others with the overflow of my extra possessions.  I learned many valuable lessons that season.  

The final lesson was unexpected.  I was so grateful to these two friends who actually spent a vacation day from their own work to organize my life.  I felt humbled and unworthy.  So unworthy, that I felt I needed to repay them somehow.  I thought I was doing a good deed.  I bought them expensive gift certificates to a local spa.  I invited them to dinner and the certificates were sitting on their plates in gold boxes.  I was excited for them to receive my gifts. But the presentation fell flat.  In fact, I think they were a lot less excited about my gifts than I was about theirs to me.

I didn't understand at the time what I know now.  I didn't know how to receive. I didn't understand grace and I just couldn't accept their kindness to me without feeling I had to repay it.  I spoiled their joy by trying to "up" their gift of time and organization.

I didn't mean to spoil anything.  I didn't know what I was doing at the time.  Now I know.  Now I know that learning to receive with grace is just as important as learning to give with grace.  Now I know that a better solution would be to "pay it forward."  Give to someone else who isn't going to give me anything in return. 

No matter how much I read and how much I try to learn from others, the truth remains...some things have to be learned by experience.  May I be an engaged student of life whereby I don't need to keep learning the same lessons over and over again.  May I find joy in having one salad spinner at a time...   

22 Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life[b]? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

27 “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.  Luke 12:22-31

Do You Feel Empty?

There was a time in my life when I felt so empty.  And I felt guilty about feeling empty.  I am a Christian.  I am not supposed to feel that way, am I?  If I believe the God of the Universe loves me and I believe all the wonderful promises found in scripture, how could I feel so empty?

I am convinced it is because I had a warped view of life.  I believed some well meaning lies and took them to the extreme...that others should always come first.  I took it to the extreme...that others mattered more...that I must always defer to them...to their comfort...to not offend...to please...to bless...to have no regard for myself.

From time to time, the extreme became self-hatred.  Shame and despising who I am.  Well, there's a recipe for a happy life...why would I feel empty?  (this is sarcasm, in case you don't know)

Now I know the truth...I will have nothing to give to you unless I am full.  When I am full, I overflow.  I think of a pitcher of water at the sink, water pouring in and then flowing over the top of the brim.  

In the group I attend weekly at the Harris Y, we talk about lifestyle change and self-care.  More than once, we have reminded each other of this:  when you are on an airplane and the instructions are being given for the oxygen mask, the flight attendant always says, "Make sure you administer to the oxygen to yourself before you attend to small children or others needing assistance."  Why is that?  If I am empty of oxygen, I'll pass out and be good for nothing.  How can I help those needing assistance if I pass out from lack of oxygen?

Here's my favorite quote from Melodie Beattie's classic book, Codependent No More, "I saw people who felt responsible for the entire world, but they refused to take responsibility for leading and living their own lives."  

I am not responsible for the world.  I am responsible for me.  To some of you, this may be elementary.  For me, it has been life changing.  As I trust God to take care of the world and figure out how to take care of myself, I have become much better at overflowing.  The end result is that I am caring more for others around me.  I am relaxed and more fun to be around.  I am at peace.  I am full.

What does this look like practically?  For me, it means making time in my day to pray and acknowledge my need for God and His presence in my life.  It means reading the Bible or a devotional each day to remind myself of truth.  It means I learn to recognize my emotions are indicators of needs in my life and I find healthy ways to meet those needs.  If I am lonely, I plan time with a friend.  If I am tired, I get more sleep.  If I am hungry, I feed myself food that will offer nutrition to my body (most of the time!).  

It also means I begin to do things I don't necessarily "feel" like doing because I know that I will benefit in the end.  As a single woman, I need a sense of community.  I need a sense of family.  I must get outside of my home to develop that community.  My favorite place to do this is church.  In every church I have attended, I have made it a point to join a life group or Bible study.  It is important to continue to cultivate relationships...to receive from others and to "overflow" in to their lives.

We were never meant to be alone.  And no one person can satisfy all of our needs.  I am convinced that I need a variety of people in my life to be whole and healthy.  Good friends challenge me to become more than I am today. Hopefully, I challenge them right back.

It has been a long while since I felt empty.  It has been a long while (well over a year, maybe two) since I was physically sick.  I am convinced that this is because I make sleep a priority.  It is not that I haven't had stress in my life.  When I do go through periods of stress, I focus more on my body and spirit.  I go to work, I sleep more, I eat healthy, and I pray.  I only do more if I feel up to it.  As the stress passes, I can bring back more activity in to my life.  This has worked well for me.

Today, I am grateful for a full heart and peace.  I am full of hope, full of joy, and full of anticipation at what lies ahead.  More changes are in store, of this I am sure.  I feel that I have a toolbox full of wisdom and practical ideas from which to draw upon...no need for fear.  No need for confusion.  I go to the Source, I get full, I learn to care for myself...and hopefully...I will overflow to others.  It is my desire to be an encouragement to others.  And ultimately, to please my Lord and Savior.  All I really have to do, is continue to become who He created me to be: A woman who is full and overflowing...

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

Reflection, Risk and Investment

Years ago, I heard a sermon from Tony Campolo in which he quoted a survey of elderly people who were confined to a nursing home.  When asked what three things they would do differently if they had their lives to live over, their reply was:

1. I would have spent more time reflecting
2. I would have taken more risks
3. I would have invested in something that would outlast my life

I have never forgotten these words and I often ponder them, especially when we enter this time of year when resolutions are being made (and broken.) Life isn't a sprint, it's more of a marathon; resolutions aren't so effective for me.  I do whole heartedly believe in lifestyle change and I believe it takes time and stumbling...falling and get back up again.  I also believe in sanctification.  That, too, is a lifelong process of work by the Holy Spirit in my life as I yield more and more to Him.

Reflecting on 2013 makes my heart feel full.  It was a very good year for me...one of the best in recent memory.  Some highlights:

• A Lost Job:  On January 3, 2013, I lost a job that I loved after giving it over to God, so I knew that moving on was His purpose.  There was great peace and joy in knowing this despite the uncertainty of the future.

• Travelling Solo:  During my two months of unemployment I started this blog after some encouragement from a friend.  I had declared on January 1st, 2013, that this would be my "Year of Words":  Taking God at His Word, speaking words of life and blessing instead of curses, and writing more. What a blessing this "year of words" has been for me!  By the way, the picture below is one I took at the entry to Villa Il Leccio in Tuscany.  I chose to begin the first part of my Blog sharing about my SOLO trip to Italy, as it was such an important part of my journey as a single Christian woman...embracing and celebrating what IS instead of what has not yet come to pass.

• A New Job:  I started a new job on March 4th which has been a huge blessing and a challenge.  One of my desires was to work closer to home, and this is just 5 miles away.  I had actually passed the building regularly and had prayed in my car on at least one occasion that I might get a job there. When I applied for the position on Linked In, I had no idea that the job I had applied for was at this building. What a surprise!  God has a clever sense of humor.

• Inner Healing:  My source for inner healing is the One True Giver of Life...Jesus.  I have had the privilege in the past year to receive prayer for inner healing from a ministry called Aletheia.  Through this extended prayer time and afterward, I sensed God peeling off layers of wounds and baggage in my life (like peeling an onion.)  Each time I think I am completely free, I see there is more to come. There were actually three sessions with ladies from Aletheia (two in 2012 and one in 2013).  Prior to that, I had several sessions with another dear mentor and prayer warrior, Brenda Young.  Brenda is the mom of my friend, Julie, and she has adopted me as a bonus daughter.  I have shared some wonderful weekends with Brenda and her husband, Glenn, in Charleston (most recently in August 2013) with my BFF, Laura.  It is wonderful to have "family" that is not blood-relations, but heart-relations.  

• Emotional Freedom:  I have continued to doggedly pursue emotional health and freedom.  A huge help and blessing is the HOPE group at the Harris Y in Charlotte.  My tendency runs towards "all or nothing" and "codependency" and neither serves me well.  This past year was a growth spurt year for me in taking responsibility for my life and letting go of my deluded sense of responsibility for others' feelings and beliefs.  I cannot change anyone but me...and I am the one who needs the change.  That has been freeing for me.  We all have our challenges in life.  What may seem to be a "given" for you is a challenge for me, and vice versa.  I have chosen to invest time and effort to change unhealthy patterns in my life and it is paying off!  Not that I have it all figured out...   

Taking More Risks:

• Travelling SOLO:  This blog is a risk for me.  I have chosen to be transparent here and share my journey with its joys, sorrows and even, embarrassments.  Writing, connecting, communicating...these are things that give my life meaning.  I am a professional accountant by day but I have never fit the mold of the "reserved professional."  I am expressive and authentic and sometimes, way too direct for the corporate world.  I am learning to temper that in order to improve my job performance but in this space, I am free to be myself and it is here that I feel most at home. Thank you for taking the time to read and by doing so, share in my journey.

• Dating:  I have taken risks in 2013 by opening myself up to the dating world again.  It is my desire to have a husband of God's choosing.  There was a long season where I became cynical about it and kind of closed the door to my heart because I was tired of the waiting.  The Bible says in Proverbs 13:12: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  My heart was sick and tired of getting hopes up only to be dashed and disappointed.  I began to believe lies about men and about myself. So now, I am starting fresh.  I am choosing to believe that love is possible and it's never too late...I joined a dating site.  Not that all my hopes are there...I am open to any method God chooses to use to help my man to find me.  I actually had a five week relationship/friendship which was hopeful but ended.  It was the first in a long, long while.  It was actually, overall, a very positive experience and I am thankful that this man was in my life, even for a season.  I learned so much, especially about myself, and I hope that it was fruitful for him as well.

Investing in something that will outlast my life:

• Investing in Youth: In February, I began mentoring 3 beautiful teen girls.  This, too, was an answer to prayer as I had longed to begin "giving back" after all the years I have been a recipient of the care of older, wiser women.  See some of my Bonus Moms here...  As often happens with God, I didn't have to do anything but pray, wait, and watch.  These girls came to me...I heard that they were reaching out to peers at school (desiring to pray for them) and I recognized their hearts for God.  I decided to join Him where He was already working (a principle from the book, Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby).   They come to my home once of week for encouragement, sharing, Bible study, and prayer.  I am loving this time with them. 

• Travelling SOLO has become more than a travel journal.  My hope and prayer is that my words will reach out to many who share this single journey and/or many who are on different journeys but who can appreciate mine and be enriched in some way (and so...going beyond my life).  A link to this blog has been posted on a popular facebook page called Abstinence Until Marriage.  Though this page, between Thanksgiving and December 31st, my words have been read by 2,580 unique individuals in 97 countries.  I am learning geography as I feel compelled to learn where everyone is!  The world is shrinking with technology and I am in awe of it all.  

So, to my new friends and old, what do you see when you look back on 2013?  Do not be discouraged by whatever you see.  Some years are more obviously fruitful than others, but nothing is wasted with God.  I was privileged to hear a sermon by Devin Tharp last Sunday at Good Shepherd.  This phrase has come to mind again and again this week:  "Our Wandering is God's Preparing."  In times where it feels like I am making no progress whatsoever, God is preparing me.  It's like I'm in the oven and I'm not ready yet...for whatever is next.  

This past year has been full of signs of God's intervention in my life.  I hope that you will be encouraged by it. He will do the same for you, in a different way of course, because all of our journey's are unique. Feel free to share in the comments section a Reflection, a Risk, or an Investment from 2013 in your life. Or perhaps...an expectation or plan for 2014.  

Happy New Year!