Saturday, February 1, 2014

Will the Real Christian Men Please Stand Up...(eharmony Adventures)

It's a joke, people!  But sometimes, it has felt like this...

I had mentioned in an earlier post that I have decided to give Internet dating another try.  Some of the more humorous Internet introductions in my past can be found here.  

I am feeling adventurous.  I haven't given up on finding true love.  In my daily life, I don't often meet single Christian men who are in my age range.  Many men who are around my age desire a younger woman, particularly if they want to have children.  Much older men have sometimes shown an interest, but I am a young-at-heart forty-nine and I don't always find older men appealing.  It depends on the person.

Anyhoo, I first tried Christian Mingle in October, signing up for three months.  It turned out to be rather disappointing.  At any one time, the highest number of people online was recorded at being five or six thousand.  This isn't a huge amount if you consider every possible location, gender, age range, etc.  By contrast, the free site called Plenty Of Fish shows five hundred and fifty-thousand or so online at any one time. But you get what you pay for...or do you?  On Christian Mingle, I found only a few men in my age range living within three hundred miles of my home.  Of those men, very few (like one, maybe?) had similar interests or values.  He wasn't "the one."

Between Christmas and New Year's, eharmony had several free days.  The frustrating part about the free days is that they do not let you see any one's pictures.  I realized soon that wasn't going to work for me, so I bit and signed up for 3 months of eharmony.  In the meanwhile, I ended the Christian Mingle membership early. Why?  Because the only person who kept messaging me at that point appeared to be lacking English skills. He kept sending me a "hello" and I would write a note and then he would send just a "hello" again.  This happened three times.  Enough, already!  I need someone who can communicate.

One of the nice things about eharmony is that the format appears to be more professional and you can gather quite a bit of information about someone if they choose to answer questions truthfully.  A new feature that didn't exist a few years back when I was last on eharmony is that there are about one thousand multiple choice questions that one can choose to answer.  No one chooses to answer all of them.  Some don't choose to answer any.  I really like when my matches choose to answer at least one hundred or so.  If they are honest, it is easy to weed out those who do not share my values or interests.

One weakness in the matching system that I would like see changed is that you cannot specify denominational preferences.  I am able to specify "Christian."  I would not be open to dating a non Christian.  That is not because I am prejudiced.  My understanding of scripture tells me that it is not okay to partner my life with someone who doesn't serve the same God.  I know too much to plead ignorance.  My faith is central to who I am; I cannot imagine trying to join my life with someone who does not share it.   I long to have a partner in ministry.  That is a nonnegotiable for me.  When I say ministry, I don't necessarily mean full-time vocation.  It can be as simple as praying together for others.  I don't know exactly what that will look like. 

What continues to amaze me on these Internet sites is the range of values in those who call themselves Christian.  Please don't misunderstand me...I am not perfect and I am not looking for perfection.  I am looking for someone whose lifestyle reflects his verbal commitment to Jesus Christ.  Someone whose heart is yielded. Someone who aims for a life that matches his verbal commitment...and when he fails, he gets back up and keeps pursuing God.  He keeps pursuing holiness.  

Apparently, this is more rare than I once imagined.  Here is a list of twenty questions on eharmony.  I have the most common answer(s) in bold (common among the men I have been matched with, all of whom call themselves Christian.  If two answers appeared equally as often, I have bolded both):


1.  The Bible:
     a.  Is the Word of God
     b.  Is a guideline for good living
     c.  Is a book
     d.  Is the most important book in my life

2.  Do you believe that one particular religion is better than another?
     a.  Yes
     b.  No

3.  Your partner suggests going out and getting drunk together, you say:
     a.  Absolutely not
     b.  Why not?

4.  Living together before marriage is:
     a.  Against my beliefs
     b.  Not smart
     c.  Okay

5.  Would you date an atheist?
     a.  Yes
     b.  No
     c.  I'd consider it

6.   Would you convert to a new religion for your partner?
     a.  Yes, if it was important to them
     b.  No
     c.  Maybe

7.  Sex before marriage is:
     a.  Perfectly okay with me
     b.  All good if you are in love
     c.  Against my beliefs

8.   Do you believe in Karma?
     a.  Absolutely
     b.  Nope

9.  Do you believe in Abortion?
     a.  I'm Pro-Life
     b.  I'm Pro-Choice

10. You catch your partner viewing porn online, you:
     a.  Confront them
     b.  Throw something at the computer
     c.  Join them
     d.  Quietly Slip Away and Say Nothing

11. People who think we should legalize prostitution are:
     a.  Completely Wrong
     b.  Right On

12. Have you ever been to a psychic?
     a.  No
     b.  Yes

13. A person who has had more than 10 sexual partners is:
     a.  Not for me
     b.  I don't judge
     c.  Experimental
     d.  Experienced

14. Would you date a 40-year old virgin?
     a.  Absolutely
     b.  Absolutely not

15. Would you date someone with an STD?
     a.  Yes
     b.  No
     c.  Depends on which one

16. Strip Clubs are:
     a.  Okay with me
     b.  Should be banned

17. Would you date someone who is a scientologist?
     a.  Yes
     b.  No

18. What do you think about friends with benefits?
     a.  I'm for it
     b.  Take it or leave it
     c.  It's heartbreak hotel

19. Do you believe God speaks to people?
     a.  Yes
     b.  No

20. Do you think it is okay to do recreational drugs once in awhile?
     a.  No judgements here
     b.  It's definitely not okay


Is there anything left to say?

I am grateful for their honesty, at least.  I know that I could not respect a man who would be willing to reject Christ for a relationship.  If that is true, then he does not know Him at all.  If that is true, the god he worships is romantic love or lust.

It would be foolish not to question the integrity and sincerity of anyone who claims to belong to Christ and yet has no interest in obedience or evidence of repentance in his life.  Here is a fantastic Blog Post I found through facebook, 6 Reasons Living Together Doesn't Work.  Couldn't have said it better myself.

Where are the authentic Christian men?  I suppose most of them (my age) are married...or they are not on Christian Mingle or eharmony.

I am thankful that I am only looking for one.  Shouldn't be too hard for God, right?

6 comments:

  1. I met my husband on eharmony. I was on it for almost 5 years prior to meeting him. I, too, was disappointed in the "Christian" men who I met before I met my husband. One of them even wrote erotic fiction under a pen name and thought that was OK! When I questioned him, he said, "Well, I am a little wild for a Christian." On the other end, one man took the "wives submit to your husbands" verse so literally that he believed husbands should discipline their wives! But then, after all that, I met a gem of a man who is a sinner, like me, but he is a true Christ follower. I almost quit before meeting him, and I'm so glad God intervened so I didn't quit the site! I don't know you, but I want to encourage you to keep praying and don't lower your standards.

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    1. Thank you, Becca! I really appreciate your encouragement. I am praying and I do believe that God's timing is perfect! Your story is great. Thank you for sharing. Are you in the Charlotte area?

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  2. Thanks for sharing that link. That post has generated a LOT of conversation on Facebook this week. As always, my hope that is God will use my story to shed His light for others. Most thought I was trying to judge those of the world who choose the living together path, which I wasn't. That would include my family, my friends, even the couples my husband and I mentor within our church. We aren't here to judge. Just to share what God's revealed to us, and that we finally understand that it is through our obedience that God offers His protection and blessing, and that includes our marriage.

    There are real men out there who want to follow Christ. Christian is an awful broad term these days. Keep faithful and obedient. Expect God's blessings for it.

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    1. Hi Danielle! I am honored that you popped over to say "hello." I loved your post! I am so glad it is generating buzz. I think you have a unique voice in that you speak from experience. I can only write from my experience, too, and I just want to be a voice of truth and passion for what matters...

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    2. When real Christian men stand up, they are often slapped back down. Especially by women who can't get past the suspiciousness and cynicism of the world we live in, who can't even be a friend first. There are virtuous Christian men standing up today. But they can only be seen by eyes that have not been clouded by the world's expectations.

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