More Perilous Tales of Online Dating...

Warning:  PG13 Content

What does Friends' Ugly Naked Guy have to do with Online Dating?

Well...you decide.  Here is one of my latest "matches" from eHarmony:

I couldn't make this stuff up, friends.  Yes, I did call eHarmony and complain and they did remove this man's photo (not the match)...he is a real person and he does live in North Carolina.  And according to eHarmony, we are the perfect match.  Looks like he is active today as I write this but he no longer has a photo attached to his profile.

Nothing surprises me any longer.  For those of you who are married or otherwise occupied and have not found yourself in the throes of online matchmaking, consider yourselves very fortunate.  

Some of you say you'd never do it.  I understand that sentiment.  I tried it for almost 10 years (passively, most of the time), primarily on match.com.  I have many stories.  When I quit, I vowed to never do it again.  It was more frustrating than anything.

So how did I find myself here again?  I am an adventurer.  I am a romantic.  I do believe in love.  I don't know of a better way to meet someone who may not currently be in my demographic but may be perfect for me.  In my daily life, I do not normally meet available Christian men in my age range.  (Yes, I am only interested in Christian men).

This is not for the faint of heart.  It is not for the insecure.  It is not for the gullible or undiscerning. Honestly, I have been protected from near disaster many-a-time.

Just a few days ago, another near-miss was revealed to me.  I was working on Turbo Tax trying to finish by the April 15th deadline (yes, even CPA's procrastinate!), and I looked at the local news for a temporary distraction.  One of the headlines was about a man who was a local coach, now banned for life due to sexual misconduct with a minor.  The name sounded familiar.  I was talking with a coach by the same name in November.  We had met on Christian Mingle.  He wanted to have coffee.  I felt a check about it. Not sure why, but I decided to say no.  

I had to do some digging to find a picture of this banned coach.  I found one from last October, just after his arrest.  It was him...my Christian Mingle match!  I am so thankful that we did not meet.    

You may have read my post called Historical (Hysterical?) Dating Disasters.  I describe some of the matches from the past that convinced me that I would never try this platform again.  

Most recently, I did 3 months on Christian Mingle and 4 months on eHarmony. This time around, I am very clear about who I am and what I desire in a partner.  Frankly, I haven't "met" many men, as even among "Christian" men, very few are interested in dating without sex.  That is a boundary I have set.  I want it all...I just want it in God's order.

So in addition to "naked shaving man," I have met "angry controlling man," "severely emotionally wounded man," and "painfully neurotic man."

Okay, maybe I am quick to judge.  God forgive me.  But shouldn't I be selective about this sort of thing?  

I have been criticized in the past by well-meaning friends about being "too hard on men."  As in most criticism, there is an element of truth in it.  As I have learned to receive grace and give it to myself and others, I have stopped looking for perfection.  I don't expect anyone to be perfect any longer.  But I am looking for one who is perfect-for-me.

I have learned to listen to that "still small voice," to that "inner check," and to trust my gut.  One very recent encounter reminded me that the "check" in my spirit is a form of self-protection.

There was a man very eager to chat with me on eHarmony.  Something he said seemed a little "off" but as the words of my friends echoed in my head (the "you are too hard on men" words), I chose to continue communicating against my better judgment. 

We talked on the phone one night.  Again, I felt a check but I couldn't even put words on it all.  He texted me and asked for a date.  I politely said, "No, thank you."  Then his true colors started to shine.  He was livid.  How could I turn him down?  He texted me 6 times in a row, he sent me 4 messages on eHarmony, he tried to leave a message on this blog and he friended me on Facebook...all within a few hours.  

The content of his messages vacillated between self-defense ("I'm a good man!") to abrasive ("You are un-Christ-like!" and "No wonder why you are single!")

I blocked him, did not accept his friend request, and did not post his message here on the blog.  Thank goodness for administrative rights.  

If a man is that defensive and that angry when we don't even have a relationship, what would be in store for the object of his affection?

Once again, I thank God for discernment and for His protection.  It is needed when venturing online.  It is needed daily even when not online.  But you know what I mean...

I also posted a Blog recently about the shortage of Christian men who adhere to Biblical guidelines for living and sexuality.  It is called Will the Real Christian Men Please Stand Up?  It seems to be a cultural phenomenon, although not just among men, to be fair.  I recently read an article online that aptly described it as "sexual atheism."  I think that is the perfect term for it.  

Here is the article from Christian Post.com

This is an excerpt from the conclusion of the article written by Kenny Luck (Kenny says it better than I ever could):

To say that professing or self-described Christians are becoming more liberal means that their reference point for assessing and practicing sexuality is more cultural and personal rather than biblical or spiritual. It means that they possess a low view of God and Scripture and a high view of self and culture as the key drivers of their moral and sexual behavior.

Practical sexual atheism among Christians says God can speak into some things but not sex. This ultimate expression of self-deception and loss of mind goes all the way back to the garden, when a certain character asked Adam and Eve: "Did God really say that?" They took the bait and, apparently, so are the majority of single Christians in the garden of love, sex and dating. They are listening to the voice that says, "Eat and have your eyes opened." Like the first couple, God's single men and women are letting fear win over faith and curiosity win over Christ with inevitable and untold prices to pay.

But it is not a time to act high and mighty. It is time to act graciously but truthfully with our single brothers and sisters. For they, along with us, will have that moment in front of the living Christ, and we want that moment to be the best it can possibly be. To realize such an epic and eternal moment, we not only have to pray for them, but we also have to equip them practically with the best possible teachings and tools that serve to restore a vision of God that transforms them in their context.

We have to engage the culture, not run.

Abstinence is not an easy path.  But before marriage, it is the BEST path.  I would even go so far to say that it is a form of worship.  It is saying, with body, mind and spirit, "Not my will, but Thine be done."

For those of you who are reading my perilous stories, please don't throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water.  I am on eHarmony.  Perhaps there are other women like me on there.  I do not know; I don't get to peruse the women.  I only see the men who are deemed a "match" for me.

In addition to the aforementioned men here-in, there is one right now who shares my values.  He is fast becoming a lovely friend.  He is a friend-with-potential.  I told my niece that I will call him "Mr. FOP" (friend-of-potential).  

He has given me permission to mention him without using his name.  (Thank you, Mr. FOP!)  He is an honorable man who is quite traditional and he loves God with his whole heart.  I think we have great potential of being friends for a lifetime, even if nothing more.  Although, there is potential for more as well.  Only time will tell...

Online dating is perilous.  So is life.  My caution to friends online is the same that I would give to friends who meet potential partners at church, at work or at the grocery...be prayerful, be discerning, and trust your gut.  And try not to let cynicism grow...yes, there are many bad apples.  But we are not in search of a whole orchard; only one.  :) 

Auld Lang Syne, Valentine (To Endings and Beginnings...and Accidental Roads)

When I was a little girl, I went to lots of weddings.  My father had six brothers which means I had many cousins.  We weren't a close family. I rarely saw my cousins.  But we always went to their weddings. 

I loved the weddings.  I especially loved the procession.  I loved the anticipation of the moment we would see the bride for the first time.  I loved the rose petals on the white runners and I loved that all eyes were fixed on the back doors of the sanctuary.  I loved the moment when the doors were opened and the music swelled and the song and the tempo changed.  My heart would flutter in my chest and I would find it hard to breathe. The emotion was so strong...this was it!   There she was, always looking more beautiful than I'd ever remembered...shining eyes gazed upon her groom who waited for her at the altar.  This was her moment. This was what she had waited for all of her life.

I was torn between looking at the groom's eyes as he first saw his bride in all of her glory and keeping my eyes on the bride's tremulous beauty.  I would fight to hold back tears.  It was always hard not to cry.

All I knew in my young innocence, is that surely this is when life begins.

If that were really true, at forty-nine, I am still waiting to be born.

By the time I finished college, I had begun attending weddings of my peers.  One would think that some of the emotion of the processional would have worn off by then, but it had not.  My need to cry seemed to escalate with each passing year.  My belief that life was beginning for these people I knew and loved didn't change.  My heart would swell and I would choke back tears.  And I would wonder and pray for when my time would come.

To make matters worse, or so it seemed, when I was twenty-five I attended a revival at my church where I was told that I would be married very soon.  I had fasted and prayed before this meeting as we were instructed by our Pastor, and I had sincerely asked God for spiritual renewal in my life.  When I went to the altar for prayer by the guest Preacher, he looked in my eyes and told me that God was telling him that He was preparing me for marriage.  He said that I would be married very soon.  And he said that my husband and I would be a healing team together.

I could hardly contain my excitement, I was in awe...God really does love me!  It wasn't my intention to ask for a husband at this meeting.  I was seeking God.  But He was telling me that He saw my hungry heart and that He was working on the details of my love life.  It couldn't get any better than this!

I believed, in my heart, that I wasn't really loved (or lovable) until I was chosen by a man.  Not just chosen to date but chosen for a lifetime.  I dated some and believed myself to be in love a couple of times, but my heart was so hungry and perhaps my desperation showed.  I ended two relationships.  Not because I didn't love them, but because it was clear that they could not love me.  Maybe they sensed that the hole in my heart was too big for them to fill.  My expectations were so high...they could not be my happiness.

I entered my thirties with hope beginning to wilt.  There was no husband in sight.  My peers continued to marry at a rapid pace.  Those years of weddings of dear friends were fun, don't get me wrong, and I rejoiced with my friends.  But inside, there was pain.  The pain of unmet longing.  The pain of feeling forgotten. The pain of feeling left behind.

It was like I was stuck in a time warp, repeating the same grade over and over while my friends "graduated" into married bliss, and then...building families.  Thank God that I didn't also have that ticking biological clock in my head.  I was never sure about having children.  Part of me wanted a little girl who would look like me, but I didn't allow myself to entertain the thought.  I just longed for the wedding first, and I figured that would follow in time.

It wasn't all misery--those thirty-something years.  I am grateful to have been part of a large church with a thriving singles ministry.  We were like a family, with the same joys and dysfunctions that most families have. I did not date much in the group, as the competition was fierce and I was never one to fight for a man.  I didn't have the confidence to flirt.  I had crushes that came to nothing.  But we had great fun together travelling to the beach or to the North Carolina Mountains.  There were Bible studies, parties, dances and just doing life together.  Life was rich, it was just very different from the way that I had pictured it would be.

Valentine's days were always hard.  I would hope and pray each year that the following year would be different, but it never was.  One year, I wrote a poem for a contest on the Christian radio station called Eternal Love.  I didn't win, but it was published the following year in Billy Graham's Decision Magazine.

Then, when I was thirty-six, I became a cancer survivor.  It was a tumor the size of a watermelon...Ovarian Cancer.  After emergency surgery, I was hospitalized for a week and out of work for seven months while undergoing six rounds of chemotherapy.  Here is a secret that I learned about my unexpected single life...I had an army of friends and family who loved me.

God used this unplanned turn in the road of my life to show me how truly loved I was.  I thrived during this trial.  One of my most treasured possessions now is a guest book that I had in my hospital room...eighty-nine different visitors came to see me in the week following surgery.  None of these visitors were related by blood, only by love.  My room looked like a flower shop with twenty-six flower arrangements and plants.  I honestly think some of the nurses thought that I must be a celebrity.  Upon completing chemotherapy, I had a "Celebrate Life" party with a DJ and over two hundred guests. In my singleness, I had time for investment in many people's lives. I had many, many friends. What I reaped during that season of life was far beyond anything that I had sown. It was rich and full and beyond what I could have imagined.

This was when I first started to believe that I was loved, even without a husband and a nuclear family.  It was wonderful.  It was real.  And isn't it just like the God I serve to be creative in His way to answer my need to feel loved?  He takes the ordinary and makes it extraordinary.  He takes tragedy and turns it to triumph.  

After thriving during this trial in my life, I believed I had earned the right to be married.  I was sure that soon to follow my illness would be a husband.  I joined dating services and I waited with anticipation.  But eventually, the disappointment set in again.  Where was he, God?  When does my life start...this life I have been waiting for...this "we" life?

More Valentines' Days came and went.  One year, I cried out to God in the parking lot of my workplace, asking Him for flowers.  You can read about this story here.  

Not long after my cancer battle, I lost my parents within eight months of each other.  And then I turned forty just one month after my mother passed away.  The loss of my father was somewhat expected; my mother's death was not.  She had a massive stroke.  These goodbyes were ones that I had dreaded my whole life.  I used to cry myself to sleep at night as a little girl, counting the years and wondering how old I would be when I lost my parents.  I grieved that they were older than most of my friends' parents and I knew that I would be fortunate to still have them into my late thirties.  I asked God to let my father live to be at least eighty.  If he lived to be eighty, I would be thirty-nine (unimaginably old to a little girl).  He was eighty when he died.  I wish I had asked for more.

I am learning with these losses.  I am learning with every turn in the road.  What I did not know in my tears as a child was the way I would feel when God showed up when I needed Him most.  I didn't know in my fears that He is truly close to the brokenhearted, just like He promised in His Word.  He has met me in the valleys in ways that I would not have ever been able to anticipate while still on the mountaintops.  Nothing is wasted with God.  I don't get the measure of Grace that I will need a minute before I need it...but when it is needed, it overflows.  He is always on time and He is always Enough.  Always.

That doesn't mean this journey is pain-free.  Not at all.  If even Jesus wept, why should I be spared tears? The Bible says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick.." (Proverbs 13:2).  I can attest to this.  Approaching my mid-forties, I felt heart-sick.  By this time, I had witnessed the weddings and the births of new miracles into most of my dearest friends' worlds.  I was stuck in a "grade" that I didn't want to be in.  I felt like a relationship failure.  I felt forgotten.  I began to feel unlovable again.  I began to be bitter.  

I remember exactly where I was when my attitude began to change.  I had to make a choice.  I was in my living room, tying my tennis shoes before leaving the house to play tennis.  I was about to turn off the television when I heard this quote which I have since discovered was penned by E.M. Forster, "We must be willing to let go of the life that we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

I decided there and then, in that moment, that I was going to celebrate my life as it is, instead of continuing to mourn what never was.  I was going to embrace the journey.  I was going to plan some vacations.  I was a family of one and I decided that I was going to have a family vacation.

Within the next seven months, I had not one but two wonderful family vacations.  I chose to go to tennis camps in Burlington, Vermont and Tuscany! If you start at the beginning of this blog, you can read about my trips.  Italy, especially, was a triumph.  Pictures of this adventure grace my bedroom walls and in the offices where I work.  When I look at them, I remember the richness of this time in my life...the beauty in yielding to the life I have been given and in letting go of the mourning of what has not yet come to pass.

How patient and kind God is with me!  I am like the Israelites in the desert...they longed to leave their captivity in Egypt, but then...they grumbled and complained in their journey to the promised land to the point of wanting to go back to Egypt!  I laid down my longings in order to celebrate my life as it is...but like a pendulum, I had swung too far.   The pain of unmet longing was too great to bear.  I began to give up my dreams in my heart. I resolved myself to singleness.  I didn't want to live in the tension of gratefulness and yet longing.  I told myself that the man who spoke into my life at twenty-five was just wrong.  He had not heard from God at all.

Thank God for friends and mentors who aren't afraid to speak truth into my life.  All through the years, I have always had wiser people around me to shake me and wake me up.  Someone dear to me challenged me about giving up...she challenged me to face the pain and stir up belief and trust again.  

Life seems to have a cycle and a rhythm to it.  I can go through extended time with not much change and then whoosh!  Change is happening all around me.  In the past two years, I have experienced the "whoosh!" My head is spinning.  So much goodness.  So many trials.  So many triumphs.

You are expecting me to tell you that I have fallen in love?  No...not yet.  Not with a man, anyway.  But my heart is open again.  My faith is strong.  It doesn't hurt anymore to hope.  Because I know that my hope is not empty, it is legitimate.  It is rational hope.  I am getting to know the Author of Hope better and I am trusting Him more.

I have lost two jobs in the past year, yet I am feeling more secure than ever. Feeling secure because my God is who He says He is.  Feeling grateful because my life is rich and full, even though there is no earthly Valentine again this year...no one to send me flowers or kiss me.  No one to hold me at night.

It just doesn't matter today.  My God is who He says He is and He will do what He says he is going to do.  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11  I am starting to believe that the man who spoke into my life at twenty-five may have heard from God after all.  Perhaps it has taken twenty-five years to prepare me for marriage...to prepare me to be part of a healing team.  Maybe it will take even more years.  I will choose to believe and hope.

So...what am I doing on Valentines' Day?  I am having a slumber party with three teenagers!  We are going to eat chocolate and watch chick flicks and share dreams.  We have been sharing life together for the past year. I have been mentoring them as best I can by sharing my journey with them.  They are the daughters I never had...so sweet.

I tell them not to grow weary in waiting on the Lord.  I tell them to think of me when they grow impatient... I am waiting but not passively so...I am living in the wait.  I am celebrating life in the wait.   I am not waiting for life to begin with that walk down the aisle.  

Well...actually...life did begin for me with a walk down the aisle.  It wasn't on a white runner with rose petals. It was crimson carpet.  This journey of mine began when I walked down the aisle of my Baptist church at nine years old, answering a call to give my life to God.  I remember the rapid beat of my heart as I sensed the Holy Spirit nudging me to leave my pew and walk alone.  I remember my mother's tears as I tugged on her coat to tell her I wanted to go. She said, "We will be leaving in a minute."  I said, "No, I want to go up there," and I pointed to the altar.  I remember I was wearing a red checked dress with white knee socks...a far cry from a wedding gown.  I walked alone, to the swell of the organ and the sound of voices singing.  I walked to the front and I stood. And you know what?  I am still standing.

This beautiful song, Accidental Road by Allen Levi is a theme in my life.  

More music by Allen Levi can be found HERE

Will the Real Christian Men Please Stand Up...(eharmony Adventures)

It's a joke, people!  But sometimes, it has felt like this...

I had mentioned in an earlier post that I have decided to give Internet dating another try.  Some of the more humorous Internet introductions in my past can be found here.  

I am feeling adventurous.  I haven't given up on finding true love.  In my daily life, I don't often meet single Christian men who are in my age range.  Many men who are around my age desire a younger woman, particularly if they want to have children.  Much older men have sometimes shown an interest, but I am a young-at-heart forty-nine and I don't always find older men appealing.  It depends on the person.

Anyhoo, I first tried Christian Mingle in October, signing up for three months.  It turned out to be rather disappointing.  At any one time, the highest number of people online was recorded at being five or six thousand.  This isn't a huge amount if you consider every possible location, gender, age range, etc.  By contrast, the free site called Plenty Of Fish shows five hundred and fifty-thousand or so online at any one time. But you get what you pay for...or do you?  On Christian Mingle, I found only a few men in my age range living within three hundred miles of my home.  Of those men, very few (like one, maybe?) had similar interests or values.  He wasn't "the one."

Between Christmas and New Year's, eharmony had several free days.  The frustrating part about the free days is that they do not let you see any one's pictures.  I realized soon that wasn't going to work for me, so I bit and signed up for 3 months of eharmony.  In the meanwhile, I ended the Christian Mingle membership early. Why?  Because the only person who kept messaging me at that point appeared to be lacking English skills. He kept sending me a "hello" and I would write a note and then he would send just a "hello" again.  This happened three times.  Enough, already!  I need someone who can communicate.

One of the nice things about eharmony is that the format appears to be more professional and you can gather quite a bit of information about someone if they choose to answer questions truthfully.  A new feature that didn't exist a few years back when I was last on eharmony is that there are about one thousand multiple choice questions that one can choose to answer.  No one chooses to answer all of them.  Some don't choose to answer any.  I really like when my matches choose to answer at least one hundred or so.  If they are honest, it is easy to weed out those who do not share my values or interests.

One weakness in the matching system that I would like see changed is that you cannot specify denominational preferences.  I am able to specify "Christian."  I would not be open to dating a non Christian.  That is not because I am prejudiced.  My understanding of scripture tells me that it is not okay to partner my life with someone who doesn't serve the same God.  I know too much to plead ignorance.  My faith is central to who I am; I cannot imagine trying to join my life with someone who does not share it.   I long to have a partner in ministry.  That is a nonnegotiable for me.  When I say ministry, I don't necessarily mean full-time vocation.  It can be as simple as praying together for others.  I don't know exactly what that will look like. 

What continues to amaze me on these Internet sites is the range of values in those who call themselves Christian.  Please don't misunderstand me...I am not perfect and I am not looking for perfection.  I am looking for someone whose lifestyle reflects his verbal commitment to Jesus Christ.  Someone whose heart is yielded. Someone who aims for a life that matches his verbal commitment...and when he fails, he gets back up and keeps pursuing God.  He keeps pursuing holiness.  

Apparently, this is more rare than I once imagined.  Here is a list of twenty questions on eharmony.  I have the most common answer(s) in bold (common among the men I have been matched with, all of whom call themselves Christian.  If two answers appeared equally as often, I have bolded both):

1.  The Bible:

     a.  Is the Word of God

     b.  Is a guideline for good living

     c.  Is a book

     d.  Is the most important book in my life

2.  Do you believe that one particular religion is better than another?

     a.  Yes

     b.  No

3.  Your partner suggests going out and getting drunk together, you say:

     a.  Absolutely not

     b.  Why not?

4.  Living together before marriage is:

     a.  Against my beliefs

     b.  Not smart

     c.  Okay

5.  Would you date an atheist?

     a.  Yes

     b.  No

     c.  I'd consider it

6.   Would you convert to a new religion for your partner?

     a.  Yes, if it was important to them

     b.  No

     c.  Maybe

7.  Sex before marriage is:

     a.  Perfectly okay with me

     b.  All good if you are in love

     c.  Against my beliefs

8.   Do you believe in Karma?

     a.  Absolutely

     b.  Nope

9.  Do you believe in Abortion?

     a.  I'm Pro-Life

     b.  I'm Pro-Choice

10. You catch your partner viewing porn online, you:

     a.  Confront them

     b.  Throw something at the computer

     c.  Join them

     d.  Quietly Slip Away and Say Nothing

11. People who think we should legalize prostitution are:

     a.  Completely Wrong

     b.  Right On

12. Have you ever been to a psychic?

     a.  No

     b.  Yes

13. A person who has had more than 10 sexual partners is:

     a.  Not for me

     b.  I don't judge

     c.  Experimental

     d.  Experienced

14. Would you date a 40-year old virgin?

     a.  Absolutely

     b.  Absolutely not

15. Would you date someone with an STD?

     a.  Yes

     b.  No

     c.  Depends on which one

16. Strip Clubs are:

     a.  Okay with me

     b.  Should be banned

17. Would you date someone who is a scientologist?

     a.  Yes

     b.  No

18. What do you think about friends with benefits?

     a.  I'm for it

     b.  Take it or leave it

     c.  It's heartbreak hotel

19. Do you believe God speaks to people?

     a.  Yes

     b.  No

20. Do you think it is okay to do recreational drugs once in awhile?

     a.  No judgements here

     b.  It's definitely not okay

Is there anything left to say?

I am grateful for their honesty, at least.  I know that I could not respect a man who would be willing to reject Christ for a relationship.  If that is true, then he does not know Him at all.  If that is true, the god he worships is romantic love or lust.

It would be foolish not to question the integrity and sincerity of anyone who claims to belong to Christ and yet has no interest in obedience or evidence of repentance in his life.  Here is a fantastic Blog Post I found through facebook, 6 Reasons Living Together Doesn't Work.  Couldn't have said it better myself.

Where are the authentic Christian men?  I suppose most of them (my age) are married...or they are not on Christian Mingle or eharmony.

I am thankful that I am only looking for one.  Shouldn't be too hard for God, right?

He is Jealous for Me

Click on the link below and listen as you read.  This is sung by the author of the song, John Mark McMillan...(most familiar version is sung by David Crowder).  For the poignant story behind the song, click HERE.

Did you know that He is jealous for you?  He is jealous for your affection...for my affection.  That we would have no other gods before Him.  

Gods with a little "g" can be anything or anyone that we would worship with time, talent, money, sacrifice...anything all-consuming that we would put before God.  

He's not jealous in a worldly way...jealous like a abusive husband or unreasonable friend.  He is righteously jealous because He alone is worthy of our worship and devotion.  

This song has helped me to understand His jealous love in a new way.  It's a beautiful, pure love...a love that gives all unto death...a love that bends me and pushes me out of my comfort zone...a love that blesses me beyond my expectations and a love that dares to say "no" to me.  A love that denies me of things I cry for because He knows what I really need...He knows the rest of the story.  His jealous love is worthy of trust.  And complete devotion.

At times in my life I have felt completely broken...broken after the end of a dream or relationship...heart-sick, even.  One of those times, a friend wisely advised me to lean into God like a palm tree leans into the wind.  This song says he loves like a hurricane.  It feels like that sometimes. 

When I yield my "will" and lean in, something beautiful happens.  The winds die down.  The storm passes.  And I am left seemingly with "limbs that are bent but beautiful and often on the ground...but alive."  Not just alive, but with my knees and heart bent and yielded, I become more like who I was created to be...and that is a good thing.

Those bent palm trees by the shore...they know how to bend with the wind.  They aren't in danger of being snapped in half.  They know to yield.  I have learned with experience the same...I am much better off to yield my will and say "yes" to whatever God asks of me. 

It's not nearly as frightening as it used to be...I love that He is jealous for me.  Who else loves me like that?  Who else can I trust blindly with my life? Who else laid down His life, that I might live? 

..if grace is an ocean, we're all sinking...

...so heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest...I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way...

Maybe you feel like running away.  Maybe you know in your heart you just don't love God like that...that you can never love this jealous God.  Don't give up on yourself.  Ask Him today to plant faith in you. Ask Him to show you His love in a tangible way and keep your eyes and ears open.  He is jealous for you.  He won't leave you alone until you are His. 

...Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with god something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross.  Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.   

Philippians 2:6-11

Love Isn't All You Need

Sometimes love isn't enough.  

Here are some famous lies about love:

• Love means never having to say you're sorry.  
• If I love him enough, he will change.

Remember the famous line in the movie, "Love Story," Love means never having to say you're sorry?  Does anyone really believe that?  Love means learning to die to one's self.  Love is wonderful and incredibly hard sometimes.  Love means having to say you are sorry again and again...love sometimes means wounding the other person...and receiving wounds.

I am not an expert on love.  I am trying to figure it out.  I would love to find a Christian man with whom to share my life and ministry.  Here are a few tidbits of wisdom I have gleaned on my journey.  Feel free to share yours in the comments at the end.  Maybe we can help each other!

1.  I need to be open to change.  Never mind about finding the "perfect" person (as far as I know, the only perfect person who has ever walked this earth is Jesus).  And never mind about finding the "almost" perfect person and trying to change him. What is most important is that I work on changing me.  

2.  I need to know myself.  What are my strengths and weaknesses?  What do I enjoy and what would I like to avoid?  Do I have patterns in relationships that seem to repeat themselves?  Is there a type of person who brings out the best/worst in me?  What is my primary Love Language?

3.  I am not looking for my other "half."  I am a whole person who is looking for another whole person.  I am not half-of-a-person waiting to be completed.  Oh, there's another famous movie line, You complete me.  

4.  Laughter is Medicine for Soul.  Sometimes the search for love can be intense and serious...I don't want to make a mistake.  I want to "get it right."  When it's all said and done, enjoying someones company and laughing together goes a long way.  From what I have observed in the marriages of my friends and family, being best friends and enjoying each other's company is a strong foundation.

5.  Lust and Love are not the same thing.  I think it is important for the attraction to be mutual, however, sometimes the strongest physical attraction doesn't make for the best romance.  The intensity of lust will fade over time.  Is there a foundation of shared faith, mutual respect, shared interests, and pure enjoyment of being together?

6.  Personal boundaries must be respected.  It is healthy to have personal boundaries.  I am suspect if I meet a man who seems to have none.  I run away if he doesn't respect my boundaries.  One huge boundary for me is that I will not engage in premarital sex.  I call it "practicing faithfulness."  I am being faithful to God, to myself, and to my future husband.  If a potential partner cannot appreciate this, then he is not someone who should pursue me.  I don't just want my boundary to be tolerated, I want it to be appreciated.  Doesn't he ultimately want a wife who has proved her faithfulness to him even before he met her?  If he doesn't, he is not the man for me.

7.  It is a deal breaker if he does not hunger for God.  Life is hard.  As we get older, it seems to get harder.  I need a man I can "lean on" in the hard times.  If he is leaning on God, I can lean on him.  The most important relationship in my life is my relationship with God.  He is my touchstone.  He is my all in all.  A man must share this with me.  He can't just give lip service to being a Christian...I need to hear him pray...I need to see him walk with God.  

Okay, I'm sure there are many other things I could say here, but seven seems like a good number for now.  What do you think?  Please feel free to comment and share your thoughts.

1 Corinthians 13

New International Version (NIV)

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Although this was written with my younger friends in mind, this applies to older single friends, too, including me!  This is not about a marriage break-up...marriage is a covenant relationship ordained by God.  I don't pretend to know the heartache or complexities involved with the dissolution of a marriage. My experience is limited to dating relationships...and, as I am a Christian woman, I have written from the perspective of relationships with men.  

Breaking up is hard to do.

The beginning of a new relationship can be exciting and intoxicating.  The other person can seem like a "perfect" match.  He likes me; check!  I like him; check! We laugh together; check!  We share similar interests; check!  He says he loves God, too!  Big Check!

What could possibly go wrong?

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.  Proverbs 4:23

In the midst of the fun and excitement of a new relationship it is important to keep eyes and ears open and the heart slightly guarded.  No matter how much you may try to convince yourself otherwise, the truth remains that it takes time to really get to know someone.  It will take time to figure out if this relationship has potential for a lifetime.

How much time?  That is hard to say.  Enough time for you to really get to know each other and see each other's strengths and weaknesses.  Enough time for each of you to seek God and determine, independent of each other, that this seems right.  Enough time for him to meet your peeps and for you to meet his: friends, family, loved ones. All should have a relatively good feeling about the two of you together.  If they do not, try to listen with an open mind. Sometimes friends and family see things that we are blinded to because of our deep affection for the other person. (They do say love is blind!)  All of this takes T-I-M-E.  If any flags arise, any hints that something may be wrong...don't dismiss them.  Keep them in mind while enjoying getting to know him.  See him in different settings and in different seasons. Do you trust him to make wise decisions? Does he act compulsively or does he take time to make important decisions?  Does he pray and seek God's will for his life?  Is he emotionally healthy?  Does he honor you and help you to protect your purity/boundaries or does he pressure you to have sex with him?  If the latter, does he "really" love God or is he just giving lip service? Actions speak louder than words.  How you observe him living his life will tell you more about him than the words that come out of his mouth.    

I still haven't found "the one" for me.  I am not sure that I believe that there is just one...but I do believe I have freedom of choice in regards to relationships within the parameters that God has laid out in scripture. This blogger sums it up nicely...click here.

What I really want to talk about here is "Breaking Up."  No matter how old I get or how much wisdom I think I have gained, one thing never changes...just like the old song says--Breaking Up Is Hard to Do!

Here are a few things that I have learned over the years:

1.  The more physically intimate we were, the harder to break-up.  Sex was meant to be reserved for marriage.  The Bible talks about two becoming one...this is more than just a physical union.  I think most Christians agree on this.  Okay, no sex--then what is permissible?  

"Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything.  I Cor 6:12

...The body is not meant for sexual immorality , but for the Lord...  I Cor 6:13

...Flee from sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.  Do you not know that your your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your body.  I Cor 6:18-20

Some things may be permissible for me, but not beneficial.  I know myself pretty well.  I have learned that I need strong boundaries in order to have a healthy dating relationship.  Kissing is wonderful and fun; however, for me--kissing means "I love you."  Even when I have tried in the past to kiss "just for fun," it really didn't work that way for me. It fostered a false sense of intimacy and made me more committed than I should have been.  It made it harder to break-up when I knew that it was inevitable.  Additionally, it made sexual temptation that much stronger.  Instead of running away from temptation, I felt that I was running toward it.  For these reasons---to be true to my heart and respectful, I have set a boundary in regards to kissing.  I don't want to kiss on the lips until we both can say "I love you."  Not, I love you like I love ice cream, but I love you and I have a level of commitment to you.  

You may feel differently about this.  That is okay.  This is a boundary that I feel I need.  Each person should prayerfully consider what is best in light of his/her own conscience and understanding of scripture.

2.  A cooling off period is needed before attempting a friendship.  Yes, it is possible to become friends with someone I have previously dated, but it doesn't come easily or naturally at first.  I need a cooling off period.  I need time to get over my affections, to break the familiar habits that are "more than friends." Attempting a friendship too soon usually results in regressing into the default patterns of deeper relationship and then having to break-up all over again.  This prolongs the inevitable and makes the break-up more emotionally draining.  It also wastes time...time that could be better spent.

3.  It is best to cut off all communication for a season.   This one is much harder to do if the break-up is with a co-worker or a member of the same church.  I have found it best to limit or, if possible, eliminate all conversation or contact for a long while.  It took time to develop the strong feelings of "more than friendship" and it will take time to get over the familiar feelings.  It is natural to continue to feel affection for a former boyfriend even when I know that it was not a wise or a healthy relationship for me.  You probably know women who continued to go back to abusive relationships.  Even when emotional or physical abuse is involved, there will almost always be a temptation to go back to the familiar.  This attachment has to be broken through separation, time, and prayer.

4.  Praying for a former boyfriend may need to cease.  This may sound harsh, but hear me out.  If feelings are not dissipating and the relationship was particularly toxic, he needs to be off of your prayer list for the immediate future.  Enlist trusted friends to pray for him so that you can stop and know that he is being covered in prayer.  Prayer involves expending emotional energy...it can be bonding.  While attempting to break the emotional bond of a former relationship, prayer for that person may need to cease in your life for a season.  You must get to the place where you no longer feel attached...you are not responsible for his life and you are especially not responsible for his happiness. You are responsible for yourself and your relationship with God.  You are responsible for your happiness.

5.  Keep a short list handy of the reasons the relationship ended.  As time passes, it sometimes becomes easy to remember the good things (that are increasingly missed) and to forget the bad things or the "warning signs" that initiated the break-up.  You may be two terrific people who are toxic for each other.  Or maybe it wasn't toxic..maybe you just weren't compatible for a lifelong commitment.  In either case, remembering why helps prevent going back.  Going back into the relationship because you forgot why it ended is not prudent.  Why waste time and energy?

Or maybe he initiated the break-up.  If so, there is your answer.  You cannot make someone love you. You are not desperate.  You are not a beggar.  You want to be with someone who will love and appreciate you.  Don't spend energy pining for someone who cannot or will not love you.  Trust God to bring someone into your life who can and will love you.

6.  Practice Grace...receive it and give it.  (This has been a hard one for me but I am getting better at it.)  Don't beat yourself up!  Don't beat-up the other person, either!  Dating is about discovering if you are a match for a lifetime. Unless you marry the first person you date, there are going to be times when you discover the answer is "no."  If you have sinned, confess it to God and to the other person and receive forgiveness. Maybe you did nothing wrong...maybe you did everything "right" but it just wasn't the best for you. That is okay.  What did you learn about relationships?  What did you learn about yourself?  These are good things to keep with you.  These are gifts. Nothing is wasted...

7.  Press on and keep your eyes on Jesus.  

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of for me. Phil 3:12

...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  Phil 3:13-14

As with any goal in life, I must press on.  Yes, my goal with a small "g" is getting married.  I do desire a husband with whom to share life's joys and sorrows.  But my Goal with a big "G" is to live a life worthy of the calling of Jesus.  My relationships with potential suitors either foster this or they do not. If not, I must move on and fix my eyes on Jesus.  Ultimately I will stand before Him when this life is over.  Even if my once-thought-of worst case scenario happens, and I do not marry in this life, I will be a bride one day.  I will participate in the wedding feast of the Lamb.  And perhaps, I will have another jewel in my crown to lay at Jesus' feet. Nothing is wasted with God...

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.  Hebrews 12:1-3