Monday, February 25, 2013

Bonus Moms: First, there was Elizabeth

Writing about my family reunion makes me think of other "family" in my life, family that is not blood-relations but heart-relations.  As a woman who has been single for a lot of years (all of them, thus far), these family heart-ties have been crucial for my well-being.  I don't know how others get through life without them. Well, I guess there are coping mechanisms...unhealthy ones in many cases.  How good God is, that He designed us for relationships and that He can orchestrate the relationships we need at the times we really need them.  

My very first Bonus Mom was named Elizabeth Courvoisier.  She was an elegant southern belle...beautiful, charming, and full of love.  She was a St. Giles lady.  I had seen her at church and we had always smiled and said kind words to each other. But it was in my brokenness and weeping that she became my first Bonus Mom.  It was on a Sunday morning.  A very sad Sunday morning for me.  My first true love had married someone else the day before.  I was so distraught, I almost crashed the wedding.  Fortunately, for all of us, I had an appointment with my therapist that morning and she talked me out of it.  What a disaster that would have been!

So here I am, at church the morning after he married someone else.  And it is communion Sunday.  Now, communion Sunday at St. Giles was a celebration.  It was my favorite Sunday of the month.  As we would walk up to the altar to receive communion, we would greet each other and hug each other.  We would pray for each other.  And all the while, beautiful praise music would be played by the worship team.  So in-between singing and hugging and experiencing a sense of family, we would receive the symbols of the body and blood of Christ, who gave everything for us.  Each person served the person behind them in line.  It was a wonderful day in the life of our church family.

This particular Sunday, the Sunday after he married someone else...the focus of the morning was on marriage.  When it was time for communion, husbands and wives were invited to the table first.  They were invited based on the number of years that they had been married.  First it was couples married 25 years or more, then 20 years or more...you get the drill.  Before each couple served each other communion, they renewed their wedding vows.  Then there was a wedding song sung by the worship team.  Then they served each other.  

I have never experienced a more painful communion Sunday.  A safe haven for me had been transformed into a reminder of my deep pain and longing...a reminder of what I wanted so much but did not have.  This is not the way the Lord's table is supposed to be.  I know that.  But you know what, I also know the heart of the Pastor.  This Pastor's heart was for his people who were struggling in their marriages.  His heart was in the right place.  I do not agree with his decision, but I have grace for it.  I know him and love him. 

The wedding vows and the wedding songs seemed to go on and on.  By the time the last couple had served each other, it was well-past time for church to be over. The benediction was given due to the late hour.  Anyone who had not yet received communion was invited to come to the table after the benediction.  My heart was broken and I was angry.  I walked out of the church in my anger and headed to my car.  But I stopped as I heard God say to me,  "Where are you going, Janice? You've got nowhere else to go..."

So I forced my legs to walk back into that sanctuary, into that place that had seemingly, unwittingly, poured salt onto my gaping, open wounds that morning.  I walked up the aisle and I stood in line with the small group of widows, divorcees, and singles.  I felt that I was relegated to the crumbs of the Lord's table.  I could only weep.  And as I wept, I felt arms wrap around me.  They were a mother's arms.  They were Elizabeth's arms. 




That was the beginning of a long and precious friendship.  She became my Charlotte mother.  She not only loved me, she delighted in me.  We shared many meals together and lots of phone calls.  I would take her out for Mother's day and for her birthday.  I relished the stories of her life that she shared with me.  She listened to every detail of my life and always loved me without judgement.  She loved hearing about my dates and crushes.  She cheered me on.  But the best gifts she gave me were her prayers for me.  She had a stool beside her bed on which she knelt and prayed for me daily.  I believe it.  I felt it. 

St. Giles women's ministry started a program sometime after we met called "heart-to-heart," where the older women were encouraged to mentor the younger women in a one-on-one relationship.  We were a natural fit, and already had an established friendship when she became my heart-to-heart friend.   

Some years later, I was out of town on a business trip when I learned that Elizabeth had had a stroke.  It was a bad one.  She was never able to live in her townhome again.  She lived out the remainder of her days in nursing homes.  

Her townhome was a safe haven for me.  I had visited her and had meals with her there.  I was devastated to be losing her.  Very shortly after her stroke, there was an auction at her home.  I went.  I cried.  I stood in disbelief while I watched her belongings sold to the highest bidder.  My hoarding-self wanted to buy everything!  I was tormented...should I buy the dishes?  The clothes that I remember her wearing so elegantly?  Paintings that she had lovingly created?  Oh, so many choices.  I ended up buying a box of books and a few paintings.  In the box of books were two that I had loaned to her and one that I had given her as a gift, an Oswald Chambers devotional.  As I flipped through the pages, there was a yellow sticky note inside with the names of my aunt and uncle written on it.  I had asked her to pray for them.  She had written it down and had kept the paper in her devotional book.  I was reminded that she had heard me, she took my prayer requests seriously.  I was loved and valued by her.

And I realized, too, that I did not need to buy all of her things to have a piece of her in my life.  Her life was woven into mine.  Her love and prayers were now a part of me.  I would never be the same because of her.  What more did I need?  God provided Elizabeth for me in a time of brokenness and need.  And that is a reflection of His heart for me.  On the day after my first true love married someone else, I received the gift of a lifetime.  The gift of Elizabeth.  The gift I really needed.  



25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Matthew 6:25-33  NIV




Sunday, February 24, 2013

A Family Reunion

Well, it wasn't really A Family Reunion.  It was a women's retreat.  But, for me, it was A Family Reunion.  

I had the last-minute privilege of spending Friday and Saturday at The Cove with a wonderful group of women from St. Giles Evangelical Presbyterian Church.   The Cove is a lovely setting in the mountains of North Carolina...Asheville, to be specific. But even lovelier are the ladies of St. Giles.  The retreat could have been anywhere and would have been just as refreshing and fun.

I was a member of St. Giles from approximately 1986 to 1994.  It was my first church as a young adult woman embarking on a new career in a new place far away from home.  St. Giles was my family away from home and as I was reminded this weekend, it will always be family for me.

I feel called to another wonderful church fellowship right now.  But every time I darken the door of anything St. Giles, I am welcomed with open arms and big hugs...with genuine excitement at my presence.  I sometimes wonder if they are going to bring out the fatted calf!  (although I never feel shamed for being away). I'm not a prodigal in that regard (right now, anyway), thank the Lord, I am just a family member whom they haven't seen in a awhile.

An even more interesting twist to this little reunion is the presence of Helen Atwood. She is the new Pastor's wife.  But she was also the Associate Pastor's wife during the majority of my years at St. Giles.  One strong marriage...same great Pastor...just two different seasons.  Nate and Helen have come full circle and are back.  Helen is beautiful and grace-filled.  She shines.




My sojourn to The Cove was a last-minute decision.  I was pushed over the edge by hearing via Facebook that Helen was going to talk about her Ebenezers.  I had just finished messaging Nate my Final Letter from Italy.  It fits well with the focus of St. Giles these days, as they are camping out in the 23rd Psalm.  I experienced the 23rd Psalm in Italy.  I told Nate that this trip was an Ebenezer in my life.  He responded, "Smile...Helen is teaching on Ebenezers at the St. Giles Women's Retreat this weekend."

Well, alrighty then!  I knew I had to go.

What is an Ebenezer?  In the Bible, in I Samuel 7:12, it is a literal place and it is a stone of remembrance.  It is an "exclamation point" in the midst of life that says...I once was defeated here but God has turned my place of defeat into a place of victory.  

In Italy, God healed my sorrow over my singleness.  He took that which I considered a curse and made it a blessing in my life.  No longer was I "forgotten" and no longer was it a mark of defeat.  It is a place of strength in my life...because I have learned to honestly say, "He is Enough."

Many years ago, Nate Atwood preached a sermon on Ebenezers which I have never forgotten.  I even have the casette tape somewhere in my home.  I have shared it with Bible studies at other churches.  And all who have heard it have been blessed.

So, yes, I had to get myself to this women's retreat.  And it was well-worth it.

As Helen shared her Ebenezers, she placed literal stones on the podium.  Her stones represented Foundation (her parents and her upbringing), Faith (when God became her personal God), Family (God has gifted Nate and Helen with 7 children here and 1 in Heaven), Surrender (out of hurts, the devil wants you hard, stay soft.  Don't put a wall up..."If I am surrendered, I can be at peace."), The book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp (Helen has her own book of her list of gifts and it is approaching 500), and a stone with a big question mark (what is next? This is the mystery of the new season ahead).

Pay tribute to God by paying attention.  Rushing through God is not the way to live.  Life is not an emergency.

If you watch the video at the end of my post Rethinking Priorities, you will see that this is a message I am hearing from many angles.

Wow...I am humbled because God continues to get my attention from many avenues.  He seems to be pursuing me.  I want to be pursuing Him, too.

The weekend was rich and full.  Worship is a strength of St. Giles, and the worship time was beautiful and sweet (Thank you, Worship Team!).  We had tons of laughter.  We had the opportunity to share in small groups: 1. Our fears about walking into God's presence, 2. Recalling a time in life which appeard to be a demise and turned out to be a restoration, 3. God delights in me: What are my thoughts about this?, and 4. How has God kept my light burning?  Thanks Rachel Dunning!

The retreat ended in the sweetest way...the speakers and prayer leaders formed a line around the front of the meeting room.  Each participant was invited to walk down the line and hear a word of blessing or encouragement from each (as they believed they heard God saying).

My favorite one for myself was, "You are whole."  Yes, I receive that and believe it to be true.  I am living it!

I'll leave you with this...the song which seemed to set the tone for our time together (and as Kathy Davis sensed was the one that we should drive down the mountain remembering) is sung by Casting Crowns:



Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who am I, that the eyes that see our sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?
Not because of who I am
But because what of You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You told me who I am
I am Yours
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
You told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours, I am Yours
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am Yours, I am Yours
© 2003 SWECS MUSIC; CLUB ZOO MUSIC; MY REFUGE MUSIC;

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Final Letter from Italy Part 8 (written in 2008)


Arrivaderci Venice, til we meet again!
Friday May 9, 2008


Ciao!

I've just crossed my "bridge of sighs," USAirways Flight 715 over the Atlantic.  I am waiting for my connecting flight in Philly.  Oh, how I hated to leave Venice!  If I could do it over, I would have gone to Venice on Monday instead of Tuesday.  Many places were closed in Florence on Monday and I would have been just as happy meandering through the alleys of Venice or riding the vaporetto.

Yesterday, my last day in Venice was perfecto!  It began with breakfast in my hotel, which is bright and cheery and newly redecorated.  The hostess is another lovely Filipina woman with perfect English.  The main item was a fruit-filled croissant (usually peach) with yogurt, coffee, and a delicious red orange juice.  Cookies, too, if you are still hungry.


 

After breakfast I walked to the Rialto Mercato--a huge outdoor fish and produce market.  Took pictures of BIG fish, octopus, fruit and veggies plus a dog or two.  The dogs weren't for sale, they were just hanging out (perhaps their owners were vendors.)  I purchased some fresh strawberries and consumed them on the spot--buonissimo!  Yum!











Then I made my way on foot to the north part of the island to catch the vaporetto that goes to the island of Murano.  As I walked, I snapped pictures of canals and boats and tight alleyways and fresh laundry hanging out the windows to dry.





The vaporetto ride to Murano was about 20 minutes.  It was a sunny, breezy day and I enjoyed sitting outside in the back of the boat.  Murano is an island packed with glass shops and factories.  Everything from jewelry to large chandeliers are sold there.  I toured the museum and wandered through some of the shops.  I saw a man crafting a glass pig and there were many steps involved--looked like it took more than one person.  The ears were made of a contrasting color from the molten glass of another artist. 






I found a fabulous outdoor cafe for lunch--the menu was all in Italian and my waitress did not speak English so I wasn't sure what I was ordering.  I was pleasantly surprised to get the cheese and tomatoes that I was craving for an appetizer and then a plate of pasta surrounded by mussels and different pieces of tiny fish in a red sauce.   And of course, I had Pesca tea.  :)






After I left Murano I took the vaporetto to the island of Burano which
is famous for its lace.  I was hoping to tour the lace museum but it was closed for renovations.  I wandered through the streets beside the canals with brightly painted houses and shops, ate some gelato, and then headed back to Venice.  By the way, my favorite flavors of gelato are Amoretto, Rum, Tiramisu, and Mint.  Few vendors have Amoretto and Rum but you can almost always find Tiramisu and Mint.  My friend Delyth warned me that I am going to turn in to a gelato soon...





When I returned to Venice there was more walking, another vaporetto ride, and a nice nap!  Since this was my last night in Italy, I ventured out to experience Venice in the moonlight.  I got dressed up and took the Vaporetto for a moonlit ride to St. Mark's Square.  There was outdoor seating on opposite sides of the square and an orchestra in front of each.  I walked back and forth and listened until I decided which orchestra I liked better--I chose the one with the more enthusiastic, clapping crowd.  The musicians and waiters seemed to have more personality as well.









I selected a table near the orchestra and ordered a glass of sparkling white wine, 2 scoops of gelato, and later (as it cooled down), hot chocolate.  The hot chocolate came on a silver tray with a small pitcher of warm milk and a small pitcher of melted chocolate to mix in a china tea cup.  It was scrumptious!  For the privilege of the music, the prices are high--I paid 33 euros or about $50 for this little treat but it was worth it (and in lieu of dinner.)







I stayed for about an hour and a half and enjoyed the music.  All kinds were played--a lot of Italian (one woman got up and sang in Italian from the audience) and later, Frank Sinatra ("New York" and "My Way").  It was a beautiful scene--the moonlit sky, all of the windows around the square lit up in tiny lights, the orchestra, a few lovers dancing, and some happy birthdays sung.  Life was happening with celebration and I felt a part of it.

I called my friend, Swooz, from the square to wish her a happy birthday.  She said, "Janice, are you going to kiss someone tonight under the bridge of sighs?"  I laughed and said, "No, I haven't met anyone here.  I'm completely alone but it is still wonderful."  As I hung up, I realized, yes, it is wonderful...and it is enough.  It is enough to be here.

For much of my life I have worried about having enough...enough money,
enough sleep, enough time, enough love...  Some years ago, I was at the North Carolina shore and I was standing at the edge of the ocean holding a coffee cup.  As I looked out, the ocean appeared endless.  I sensed God speaking to me, "Oh, Janice, you come to me with your little cup and you are so afraid that I am not going to fill it, but I AM an OCEAN!"

Throughout my life, He has continued to fill my cup.  Sometimes it seems as though it is almost empty.  Okay, bone dry, to be honest.  I become tired and weary from the mundane, from the "have-to's", from obligations and disappointments--the stuff of life that weighs us down.  When I've all but given up, He surprises me with rest, with green pastures (like the green hills of Tuscany!) and again, He fills my cup.

I feel empowered by this trip.  Some have told me that I was brave to cross the ocean alone.  One of my friends commented that she “would never take such a trip alone.  I wouldn't want to spend that much time with myself."

My new friend, Joyce, from Chicago has a wicked and quick sense of humor.  She also has a self-professed fabulous sex life, to which she attributes her successful marriage of 37 years.  (I told her that I would be reporting this in my writings)  Joyce saw my joy of shopping and told me that I would go bankrupt in style!  :)  She also commented that she "has taken more pictures of Janice on this trip than she did of her own children growing up."  An exaggeration--I asked her to take pictures of me with my camera while playing tennis and a few other times.  My reply was, "But Joyce, I am a family of one and this is my family vacation!" :)

And you know what?  For now, it is enough.  Me and God and all the wonderful people that I've encountered on this journey have made this an adventure to remember.  When I get weary again and my cup starts to feel dry--I must look back and remind myself--"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want." (He is enough)  "He makes me lie down in green pastures."  (Tuscany)  "He leads me beside quiet waters." (Venice)  "He restores my soul."  (Rome)  "...my cup overflows."  (excerpts from Psalm 23)

To the One Who Was and Is and Always Will Be...Enough...Thank You for a fabulous vacation!

Ciao,
Janice   

I am...A Walking Miracle


I was reminded today, that I am a walking miracle. 

It was while I was sitting in the exam room of my Oncologist, Dr. Matt McDonald at Presbyterian Cancer Center.  

I visit an Oncologist quarterly because I had Endometrial Cancer in March 2012.  At that time, my uterus and the cancer was removed.  But I have to get “scraped” every 3 months to check to see if any cancer cells are still hanging out in there.  Fun, huh?  Apparently, it is to some...as he walked in to  examine me, I had accidentally hit the Pandora button on my phone and music started to play.  I was embarrassed and I scrambled to turn it off.  He said, "You can have mood music if you like."  and he went on to say, "One woman recently chose to read her smut novel while I was doing her exam."  (Wonder if it was 50 Shades..)  No, he is NOT creepy.  He and the nurse and I all laughed together.  You have to laugh, right?  It really does help to alleviate some awkwardness at times.

I regress..anyway as I waited, I was facing a large chart with information about Ovarian Cancer.  I read the chart and I found the words below particularly moving:



I am an Ovarian Cancer Survivor as well.  A nearly TWELVE-year Ovarian Cancer survivor!  One of my ovaries was the size of a watermelon when the cancer was discovered.  Reading this poster reminded me that the majority of women who are diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer are in advanced stages of the disease (Stage 3 or 4).  Despite my huge tumors, mine was classified as stage  1C.  One, because it had not spread, and C because it had ruptured.  (My Endometrial Cancer is likely due to 11 years of hormone replacement).

Who am I, that God would choose to spare my life from this disease?  Who am I, that I should get so many "bonus years" added to my life?  And what have I done with them?

It is humbling to me.  It is awe-inspiring.  Thank You, God, for this reminder today.  

"...your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  Psalm 139:16  NIV

As I left the cancer center,  the  nurse commented that I was the happiest patient they had seen all day.  Being "in transition" surely agrees with me.  So does being incredibly thankful for another day of life...

Letters from Italy Part 7 (written in 2008)


I Made it to Venice!
Wednesday May 7, 2008

Ciao!

Why didn't someone warn me that Venice is full of steps  Note to self: next
time, visit Venice first, when the bags are lighter!  I arrived by train from Florence yesterday and my directions said I just had to go over 3 bridges to get to my hotel...no big deal, right?  No one told me that all of the bridges have STEPS!  By this time, I am looking like a pack mule...loaded down with two big suitcases (one has 2 bottles of wine, 4 bottles of Olive Oil, and a terracotta something that is heavy plus the other with all my tennis gear, racquet, shoes, and too many clothes!)  Also, on my back I have a big backpack that now holds 3 leather bags (so much for souvenirs of the heart!) and my messenger bag with my camera, travels books, diary, and water bottle.  I hobbled up one bridge, one suitcase at a time up, then one suitcase at a time down, only to discover that I had crossed the wrong bridge!  There are about a million bridges in Venice and directions are not good.  After asking 4 people, I finally found a non-English speaking Italian with very clear and vibrant hand gestures that pointed me on my way.  

I arrived at my hotel, Aloggi Marinella, 1/2 hour later, hobbling and drenched with sweat! But I made it, yippee!  The hotel is down an alley and kind of away from the hub-bub, which I like.  It looks like it has been newly renovated with bright and cheery decor and a small but modern bathroom with ceramic tile.  Perfecto!





The first thing I did was buy a 72 hour vaporetto pass.  The vaporettos are water buses that travel down the 2 mile central canal.  I can ride til my heart's content, which I have done now 3 times.  I love the boat ride and seeing all the sites...the gondolas (saw one with a serenading opera singer today), and all the gorgeous old palaces and hotels.  It's great fun. 





Yesterday I had a pizza lunch at a cafe by the water and then rode the vaporetto to St. Mark's Square.  There are lots of shops around the square and two big restaurants with orchestras and pianos.  I think there is dancing when the sun goes down.  I was too tired to check it out last night but tonight or tomorrow I hope to be there.




Today I went back to St. Mark's and toured the Basilica San Marco, where Mark's bones are buried.  It was the most beautiful church I have seen thus far...lots of golden mosaics in the ceilings and domes.  I went to the museum there which offered close-ups of some mosaics and also the "famed" four bronze horses which were booty from the 4th crusade.  There was also a treasury with items acquired from other conquests and the altar where St. Mark's bones are buried has a huge gold screen with 50 rubies, 300 emeralds, 1500 pearls, and assorted sapphires, amethysts, and topaz.  I wished I could take one of those emeralds and make myself a nice little ring!  :)






After that I went to the Correr Museum, which hosts Venetian History and Art.  My lunch there was a warm panini with olive oil...so scrumptious!  Following the Correr Museum, I went to the Doge's Palace, which was the official residence of the doge's who ruled Venice from 697 to 1797.   Opulent!  More amazing art, and a prison attached by a bridge called the "bridge of sighs," named for the sighs emitted by the prisoners as they crossed the bridge into the prison and while crossing have their last view of beautiful Venice (and freedom).

I broke my "one museum" rule and did another as I am only here one more
day and trying to pack it all in...I went to the Peggy Guggenheim Collection.  She was a mining heiress from the US who purchased a painting a day and willed her collection to Venice.  She chose to live in Venice for 30 years and the palace which was her home is now the museum of modern art.  It was quite a contrast to all of the "Madonna and Jesus" art that I have been seeing everywhere...I saw works by Jackson Pollock, Picasso, Chegal, and other Cubist, Abstract, and Surrealist art.



After that, I wandered and eventually found this internet cafe.  There are no cars on Venice, just the water which is full of vaporettos (Water buses),  taxi's, delivery vessels, garbage buses and anything else normally in a car or truck.  The alleys are narrow for walking only, and it is huge maze to navigate around.  Very fun to explore.  Lots of shops, art, fashion (every designer imaginable), and murano glass.






 

The squares are full of pigeons.  My guidebook says the birdfeed has birth control in it but it doesn't appear to be working!  :)





Everywhere I have been, it has been very crowded with tourists.  Especially here, as tourism is all they have.  Still, it is beautiful and quite unique.  I was also in Italy over 2 major European holidays (April 25 and May 1).  That means the locals were off of work and touring as well. 

It rained all day on my last day in Florence.  I had fun wandering.  One of my favorite places was the indoor food market, which I was introduced to by Nancy from Chicago.  She went 3 weeks early to take Italian and live with a local family so she frequented this market.  It had everything you can imagine...but all separate stalls...meat, flowers, fruit, wine, cheeses...I took lots of pictures as it was very colorful.  I purchased some dried fruit including Kiwi that was the best I've ever tasted.  Must have had lots of sugar in it...










Well, my hour is up and I think I'll take another boat ride...:)  Tomorrow I am gong to the island of Murano to see how the glass is made.  Friday I come home...sigh...

Ciao!
Janice