More Perilous Tales of Online Dating...

Warning:  PG13 Content

What does Friends' Ugly Naked Guy have to do with Online Dating?

Well...you decide.  Here is one of my latest "matches" from eHarmony:

I couldn't make this stuff up, friends.  Yes, I did call eHarmony and complain and they did remove this man's photo (not the match)...he is a real person and he does live in North Carolina.  And according to eHarmony, we are the perfect match.  Looks like he is active today as I write this but he no longer has a photo attached to his profile.

Nothing surprises me any longer.  For those of you who are married or otherwise occupied and have not found yourself in the throes of online matchmaking, consider yourselves very fortunate.  

Some of you say you'd never do it.  I understand that sentiment.  I tried it for almost 10 years (passively, most of the time), primarily on match.com.  I have many stories.  When I quit, I vowed to never do it again.  It was more frustrating than anything.

So how did I find myself here again?  I am an adventurer.  I am a romantic.  I do believe in love.  I don't know of a better way to meet someone who may not currently be in my demographic but may be perfect for me.  In my daily life, I do not normally meet available Christian men in my age range.  (Yes, I am only interested in Christian men).

This is not for the faint of heart.  It is not for the insecure.  It is not for the gullible or undiscerning. Honestly, I have been protected from near disaster many-a-time.

Just a few days ago, another near-miss was revealed to me.  I was working on Turbo Tax trying to finish by the April 15th deadline (yes, even CPA's procrastinate!), and I looked at the local news for a temporary distraction.  One of the headlines was about a man who was a local coach, now banned for life due to sexual misconduct with a minor.  The name sounded familiar.  I was talking with a coach by the same name in November.  We had met on Christian Mingle.  He wanted to have coffee.  I felt a check about it. Not sure why, but I decided to say no.  

I had to do some digging to find a picture of this banned coach.  I found one from last October, just after his arrest.  It was him...my Christian Mingle match!  I am so thankful that we did not meet.    

You may have read my post called Historical (Hysterical?) Dating Disasters.  I describe some of the matches from the past that convinced me that I would never try this platform again.  

Most recently, I did 3 months on Christian Mingle and 4 months on eHarmony. This time around, I am very clear about who I am and what I desire in a partner.  Frankly, I haven't "met" many men, as even among "Christian" men, very few are interested in dating without sex.  That is a boundary I have set.  I want it all...I just want it in God's order.

So in addition to "naked shaving man," I have met "angry controlling man," "severely emotionally wounded man," and "painfully neurotic man."

Okay, maybe I am quick to judge.  God forgive me.  But shouldn't I be selective about this sort of thing?  

I have been criticized in the past by well-meaning friends about being "too hard on men."  As in most criticism, there is an element of truth in it.  As I have learned to receive grace and give it to myself and others, I have stopped looking for perfection.  I don't expect anyone to be perfect any longer.  But I am looking for one who is perfect-for-me.

I have learned to listen to that "still small voice," to that "inner check," and to trust my gut.  One very recent encounter reminded me that the "check" in my spirit is a form of self-protection.

There was a man very eager to chat with me on eHarmony.  Something he said seemed a little "off" but as the words of my friends echoed in my head (the "you are too hard on men" words), I chose to continue communicating against my better judgment. 

We talked on the phone one night.  Again, I felt a check but I couldn't even put words on it all.  He texted me and asked for a date.  I politely said, "No, thank you."  Then his true colors started to shine.  He was livid.  How could I turn him down?  He texted me 6 times in a row, he sent me 4 messages on eHarmony, he tried to leave a message on this blog and he friended me on Facebook...all within a few hours.  

The content of his messages vacillated between self-defense ("I'm a good man!") to abrasive ("You are un-Christ-like!" and "No wonder why you are single!")

I blocked him, did not accept his friend request, and did not post his message here on the blog.  Thank goodness for administrative rights.  

If a man is that defensive and that angry when we don't even have a relationship, what would be in store for the object of his affection?

Once again, I thank God for discernment and for His protection.  It is needed when venturing online.  It is needed daily even when not online.  But you know what I mean...

I also posted a Blog recently about the shortage of Christian men who adhere to Biblical guidelines for living and sexuality.  It is called Will the Real Christian Men Please Stand Up?  It seems to be a cultural phenomenon, although not just among men, to be fair.  I recently read an article online that aptly described it as "sexual atheism."  I think that is the perfect term for it.  

Here is the article from Christian Post.com

This is an excerpt from the conclusion of the article written by Kenny Luck (Kenny says it better than I ever could):

To say that professing or self-described Christians are becoming more liberal means that their reference point for assessing and practicing sexuality is more cultural and personal rather than biblical or spiritual. It means that they possess a low view of God and Scripture and a high view of self and culture as the key drivers of their moral and sexual behavior.

Practical sexual atheism among Christians says God can speak into some things but not sex. This ultimate expression of self-deception and loss of mind goes all the way back to the garden, when a certain character asked Adam and Eve: "Did God really say that?" They took the bait and, apparently, so are the majority of single Christians in the garden of love, sex and dating. They are listening to the voice that says, "Eat and have your eyes opened." Like the first couple, God's single men and women are letting fear win over faith and curiosity win over Christ with inevitable and untold prices to pay.

But it is not a time to act high and mighty. It is time to act graciously but truthfully with our single brothers and sisters. For they, along with us, will have that moment in front of the living Christ, and we want that moment to be the best it can possibly be. To realize such an epic and eternal moment, we not only have to pray for them, but we also have to equip them practically with the best possible teachings and tools that serve to restore a vision of God that transforms them in their context.

We have to engage the culture, not run.

Abstinence is not an easy path.  But before marriage, it is the BEST path.  I would even go so far to say that it is a form of worship.  It is saying, with body, mind and spirit, "Not my will, but Thine be done."

For those of you who are reading my perilous stories, please don't throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water.  I am on eHarmony.  Perhaps there are other women like me on there.  I do not know; I don't get to peruse the women.  I only see the men who are deemed a "match" for me.

In addition to the aforementioned men here-in, there is one right now who shares my values.  He is fast becoming a lovely friend.  He is a friend-with-potential.  I told my niece that I will call him "Mr. FOP" (friend-of-potential).  

He has given me permission to mention him without using his name.  (Thank you, Mr. FOP!)  He is an honorable man who is quite traditional and he loves God with his whole heart.  I think we have great potential of being friends for a lifetime, even if nothing more.  Although, there is potential for more as well.  Only time will tell...

Online dating is perilous.  So is life.  My caution to friends online is the same that I would give to friends who meet potential partners at church, at work or at the grocery...be prayerful, be discerning, and trust your gut.  And try not to let cynicism grow...yes, there are many bad apples.  But we are not in search of a whole orchard; only one.  :) 

Will the Real Christian Men Please Stand Up...(eharmony Adventures)

It's a joke, people!  But sometimes, it has felt like this...

I had mentioned in an earlier post that I have decided to give Internet dating another try.  Some of the more humorous Internet introductions in my past can be found here.  

I am feeling adventurous.  I haven't given up on finding true love.  In my daily life, I don't often meet single Christian men who are in my age range.  Many men who are around my age desire a younger woman, particularly if they want to have children.  Much older men have sometimes shown an interest, but I am a young-at-heart forty-nine and I don't always find older men appealing.  It depends on the person.

Anyhoo, I first tried Christian Mingle in October, signing up for three months.  It turned out to be rather disappointing.  At any one time, the highest number of people online was recorded at being five or six thousand.  This isn't a huge amount if you consider every possible location, gender, age range, etc.  By contrast, the free site called Plenty Of Fish shows five hundred and fifty-thousand or so online at any one time. But you get what you pay for...or do you?  On Christian Mingle, I found only a few men in my age range living within three hundred miles of my home.  Of those men, very few (like one, maybe?) had similar interests or values.  He wasn't "the one."

Between Christmas and New Year's, eharmony had several free days.  The frustrating part about the free days is that they do not let you see any one's pictures.  I realized soon that wasn't going to work for me, so I bit and signed up for 3 months of eharmony.  In the meanwhile, I ended the Christian Mingle membership early. Why?  Because the only person who kept messaging me at that point appeared to be lacking English skills. He kept sending me a "hello" and I would write a note and then he would send just a "hello" again.  This happened three times.  Enough, already!  I need someone who can communicate.

One of the nice things about eharmony is that the format appears to be more professional and you can gather quite a bit of information about someone if they choose to answer questions truthfully.  A new feature that didn't exist a few years back when I was last on eharmony is that there are about one thousand multiple choice questions that one can choose to answer.  No one chooses to answer all of them.  Some don't choose to answer any.  I really like when my matches choose to answer at least one hundred or so.  If they are honest, it is easy to weed out those who do not share my values or interests.

One weakness in the matching system that I would like see changed is that you cannot specify denominational preferences.  I am able to specify "Christian."  I would not be open to dating a non Christian.  That is not because I am prejudiced.  My understanding of scripture tells me that it is not okay to partner my life with someone who doesn't serve the same God.  I know too much to plead ignorance.  My faith is central to who I am; I cannot imagine trying to join my life with someone who does not share it.   I long to have a partner in ministry.  That is a nonnegotiable for me.  When I say ministry, I don't necessarily mean full-time vocation.  It can be as simple as praying together for others.  I don't know exactly what that will look like. 

What continues to amaze me on these Internet sites is the range of values in those who call themselves Christian.  Please don't misunderstand me...I am not perfect and I am not looking for perfection.  I am looking for someone whose lifestyle reflects his verbal commitment to Jesus Christ.  Someone whose heart is yielded. Someone who aims for a life that matches his verbal commitment...and when he fails, he gets back up and keeps pursuing God.  He keeps pursuing holiness.  

Apparently, this is more rare than I once imagined.  Here is a list of twenty questions on eharmony.  I have the most common answer(s) in bold (common among the men I have been matched with, all of whom call themselves Christian.  If two answers appeared equally as often, I have bolded both):

1.  The Bible:

     a.  Is the Word of God

     b.  Is a guideline for good living

     c.  Is a book

     d.  Is the most important book in my life

2.  Do you believe that one particular religion is better than another?

     a.  Yes

     b.  No

3.  Your partner suggests going out and getting drunk together, you say:

     a.  Absolutely not

     b.  Why not?

4.  Living together before marriage is:

     a.  Against my beliefs

     b.  Not smart

     c.  Okay

5.  Would you date an atheist?

     a.  Yes

     b.  No

     c.  I'd consider it

6.   Would you convert to a new religion for your partner?

     a.  Yes, if it was important to them

     b.  No

     c.  Maybe

7.  Sex before marriage is:

     a.  Perfectly okay with me

     b.  All good if you are in love

     c.  Against my beliefs

8.   Do you believe in Karma?

     a.  Absolutely

     b.  Nope

9.  Do you believe in Abortion?

     a.  I'm Pro-Life

     b.  I'm Pro-Choice

10. You catch your partner viewing porn online, you:

     a.  Confront them

     b.  Throw something at the computer

     c.  Join them

     d.  Quietly Slip Away and Say Nothing

11. People who think we should legalize prostitution are:

     a.  Completely Wrong

     b.  Right On

12. Have you ever been to a psychic?

     a.  No

     b.  Yes

13. A person who has had more than 10 sexual partners is:

     a.  Not for me

     b.  I don't judge

     c.  Experimental

     d.  Experienced

14. Would you date a 40-year old virgin?

     a.  Absolutely

     b.  Absolutely not

15. Would you date someone with an STD?

     a.  Yes

     b.  No

     c.  Depends on which one

16. Strip Clubs are:

     a.  Okay with me

     b.  Should be banned

17. Would you date someone who is a scientologist?

     a.  Yes

     b.  No

18. What do you think about friends with benefits?

     a.  I'm for it

     b.  Take it or leave it

     c.  It's heartbreak hotel

19. Do you believe God speaks to people?

     a.  Yes

     b.  No

20. Do you think it is okay to do recreational drugs once in awhile?

     a.  No judgements here

     b.  It's definitely not okay

Is there anything left to say?

I am grateful for their honesty, at least.  I know that I could not respect a man who would be willing to reject Christ for a relationship.  If that is true, then he does not know Him at all.  If that is true, the god he worships is romantic love or lust.

It would be foolish not to question the integrity and sincerity of anyone who claims to belong to Christ and yet has no interest in obedience or evidence of repentance in his life.  Here is a fantastic Blog Post I found through facebook, 6 Reasons Living Together Doesn't Work.  Couldn't have said it better myself.

Where are the authentic Christian men?  I suppose most of them (my age) are married...or they are not on Christian Mingle or eharmony.

I am thankful that I am only looking for one.  Shouldn't be too hard for God, right?

Historical (Hysterical?) Dating Disasters

Okay, so I think after my last post, a little levity is needed.  I am not always so deeply contemplative.  Ask some of my friends and family---I can be very funny, quirky, and you-fill-in-the-blank...

I am going to share some gems from my dating history.  Haters, please move on. I am declaring this page a no-judge zone!  If you are honest, we have all been there.  If you haven't, consider yourself very, very blessed!

My first foray into match-making (pre-Internet dating) was with a company in the 1990's called Together Dating Service.  Back before the Internet (yes, I was alive before the Internet), one would go to a building and sign up for a match-making service.  It was VERY expensive.  

Holidays always made me sad and wishing for a significant other. This one particular year, it was the 4th of July that did me in.  My friend, Carol, always laughs about that one.  For some it's Christmas or Valentine's Day.  For me, it was the 4th of July.  (I said I can be quirky).  Maybe it was the fireworks I was longing for...

So there I was, post-July 4th, signing on the dotted line, hoping that God would use the "professional" matchmakers to find me the love of my life.  I negotiated a $2,500 fee down to $1,225.  Feeling quite pleased with my negotiating skills, I went home to wait for my first match, which was to arrive at my home in the mail. Yes...SNAIL MAIL.  No joke.

Within a week, the envelope showed up in my mailbox.  I ripped it open with eager anticipation...only to find I had been matched with a man in my Sunday school class at church!  I paid over $1200 to meet a man I already knew!  

Suffice it to say, he was not my dream man.  Nor were any of the other men that the service found for me.  I chalked it up to a learning experience and vowed to never spend that kind of money on such a venture again.

Fast-forward to 2001...enter Match.com and Ovarian Cancer.  I had lost every hair on my body.  I went to a class at the hospital where I learned to draw on eyebrows and glue on false eyelashes.  I felt quite sassy in my blond "Marilyn Monroe" wig, which gave me extra confidence.  While I was out of work on short-term disability going through chemotherapy, I decided to find myself some lunch dates.

One of my first dates was at one of my favorite Charlotte restaurants, Trio.  The man was quite good-looking and seemed classy.  As I walked up to the table to shake his hand, I felt something tickling the side of my face.  I excused myself to go to the restroom.  There, I found that one set of false eyelashes was dangling down the side of my face!  Oops!  I ripped off the other set and went back to the table eyelashless.  That was the only date I had with Mr. Classy.

I called this my "Marilyn" wig...

I had many interested parties when I was on Match.com.  Although I talked about my faith, I found most men did not read what I said. They only looked at my picture and contacted me based on the physical only.  

The Christian men were few and far between.  One email I received from a sweet Christian man was so entertaining, I kept it:

Howdy ma'am!  I was browsing the member directories, and came across your profile/info. It definitely caught my attention, wow!  And though I'm as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, I just had to write you! No way was I going to pass up this once in a lifetime opportunity. I didn't know there were woman like you around/unmarried, you appear too good to be true!! (For real!).  I would tell you something, but I'm afraid you'd think it was a line or something...well, that sells you short, don't it? Honestly, I cried when I read your profile, thinking what a great lady you must be and how blessed your future husband will be to earn and win your heart. As to the chances of that being me, hey..., folk say anything is possible (maybe not probable, but still in realm of possible, amen? LOL). You seem to be a sharp gal, and I bet you even part your hair just right to cover it up too, don't you?

Not so long ago I was injured on my "secular" job (in '96), and now am on total Soc. Sec. disability/can't work a regular job (I also walk with cane and use electric wheelchair when needed, and have gained lots of weight due to lack of exercise...heNCe, I make BIG impressions on all. he he!)...Though unable to work, I am fully fuNCtional in all other ways and abilities. One thing for sure, I'm a well-rounded fellow and all can tell I'm a guy on the level 'cause my bubble's in the middle! ;-}

Now, I don't know if I'm the type/kind of guy you're looking for or not, but I sent you some info about me to peruse at your convenience...one good thing for you no matter what...you can at least use my pic at your house...I hear that it's real good for roach and rodent killing.l be...In His grip and headed for home...

Lest you think that I broke his heart, I did send back a gracious email thanking him for his interest and wishing him God's Blessings.

In addition to almost 10 years on Match.com, I also had a stint on eharmony and several rounds of speed dating.  Speed Dating was set up at a local club where you had 8-8 minute dates with a series of men.  Afterwards, you had opportunity to check a yes or a no on each one.  If both of you checked yes, then the organizers would contact you and give you each other's phone numbers.  

I did meet one very nice man through speed dating who happened to be very close friends with my Oncologist.  His wife had recently passed away from cancer. He wore his wedding ring around his neck. Needless to say, the timing was not right for that one...

My final 3 dates on Match.com and eharmony occurred in the fall of 2009. Subsequently, I swore off Internet dating "for good."  Here's a brief synopsis:

1.  Man A was a tennis player and a never-been-married Christian. We had 3 dates, one was playing tennis, which was very fun.  On the 3rd date, he wanted to cook dinner for me at my home.  I had been clear about my boundaries regarding premarital sex (i.e., no premarital sex).  After dinner, he stood in my living room and told me, "You don't understand!  I have to have sex!  I get the shakes and I can't concentrate at work."  When he hugged me goodbye, he didn't let go.  I think he honestly felt that my sex-starved self would melt in his arms.  I did not. Thankfully, he did leave and I have only seen him once since then--on an adjacent tennis court.

2.  Man B was a wealthy divorced Christian who asked to meet at his wine bar, where they store his wine and champagne.  We had interesting conversation and I enjoyed a glass of champagne. He drank the rest of the two bottles.  Afterwards, he backed me up to my car and tried to kiss me.  I was able to get away and I chose not see him again. I called a friend at the several-thousand-member church he attends here in Charlotte.  This friend knew him--what are the chances?  No coincidence--God watches out for his children...I found out that he is known for having some kind of addiction problem.  A mutual friend has driven him home from church when he has been under the influence of alcohol or drugs.  

3.  Man C was a Christian man from a nearby town.  We met for coffee on our first date.  I liked him and I sensed that he really did know the Lord.  So I allowed him to pick me up for our second date, which was to PF Changs restaurant.  On the way home, we were pulled over by the police.  He had no drivers license.  He had lost his license due to excessive speeding.  The policeman required me to get in the drivers seat and drive us back to my house. Thankfully, this man had no qualms about getting back in to his car and driving himself home, even though he had no license.  

I was trying to be open.  I was willing to see man C again.  He stood me up.  God watches out for his children.

If you are Internet dating and you want to share a funny or poignant story, please feel free to leave a comment here.  

I vowed after the fall of 2009 to never do Match or eHarmony again.

So, why did I sign up for 3 months of Christian Mingle in October? I'm still waiting to figure that out...

Update January 2014:  I met one very nice Christian man on Christian Mingle. He was not "the one," but I am glad that we met.  My membership is running out and I will not renew.  There are very few men in my age range on the site.  I would not recommend it.  I did decide to try 3 months on eharmony.  I really like the updates they have made since several years ago.  I'll be sure to let you know how it goes...

see this link to a great blog from danalyne with internet dating tips

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21