Do You Pray for an Easy Life?

When I was on the St. Giles Women's Retreat over the weekend of February 22nd, I had a very vivid dream.  I had just finished reconnecting with Helen Atwood, Pastor Nate's beautiful and grace-filled wife.  She was a dear friend years ago when I attended St. Giles and she had spoken kind words to me back then.  

In my very vivid dream, Helen said to me, "Janice, I am not going to pray for you to have an easy life."  I responded with conviction, "No!  I do not want an easy life.  I want a significant life."

I was so firmly confident in my words to Helen in my dream.  It seemed so real. When I woke up, it made me smile.

I don't know if I have prayed for an easy life in the past.  I do know that I expected an easy life.  I expected smooth sailing.  I expected a fairy tale ending.  For years, I lived in bitter disappointment.  My life had not turned out the way I had dreamed that it would.  I didn't realize that most human beings share the same sentiment.

We live in a fallen world.  We are a people in desperate need of a Savior.  Wounded people wound people. There is no utopia this side of Heaven.  It is a mixed bag. But, oh, there are sweet moments.  There are moments of wonderful.  

I would not say that I have had an easy life thus far.  I did not receive the husband of my youth for whom I so deeply longed.  I have not received a nuclear family thus far in my life.  I am forty-eight years young and I am still waiting to see what God will do.  I have grieved my disappointment.  I have felt the pain of unmet longing.  It has hurt.

When I was 36, I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer.  I lost both of my ovaries along with my hair.  I went through chemotherapy.  I grieved again, knowing that there would never be a little girl in my life who looked like me.  But I can say with conviction that the season of battling my cancer was one of the sweetest times in my life.  I experienced love and community from friends and family like I never had before...like I had never dreamed that I would.  It was like there was a big banner over my life during that season that said, " I AM LOVED." 

My Dear Friend, Swooz, shaved my head when my hair began falling out...

Just 3 years after my Ovarian Cancer I lost my Daddy to Alzheimers.  He was 80.  I had prayed over and over in my bed when I was a little girl for my parents to live long lives.  I remember asking the Lord to let him live until at least 80.  How sweet that God obliged me.  Then, just 8 months later, I unexpectedly lost my Mom at age 76.  She had a severe stroke.  I had the privilege of sleeping in her hospital room in a cot beside her bed for the last 4 days of her life here on earth.  She was in a coma, but I talked to her believing that she could hear me with her spirit, that she knew that I was there.  I sang to her and I thanked her and I prayed for her and I read scripture to her.  I talked to her about all of our friends and relatives who had gone on before us.  I like to think that I helped to prepare her for Heaven.  She was afraid of dying.  I had the privilege of singing the Doxology over her body just minutes after she ascended into Heaven.  I had the joy of speaking at her funeral and at my father's funeral.  Losing them was painful.  One is never ready to say goodbye...but scripture came alive to me in a new way.  Psalm 34:18 is really true, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Paul and Dolores Lawrence, married 51 years

Toxic shame has been another source of pain in my life.  In my perfectionism, I somehow believed that I was inherently broken.  I grew up thinking that there was something horribly wrong with me.  Everyone else seemed to have it together but I just could not be good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, talented enough. My journey in this regard has included years of Christian therapy and hard-fought battles.  I have come a long way.  I have learned about God's grace and I embrace it more and more each day.  I have grace for myself now and grace for others.  This journey has been painful but I wouldn't trade what I have learned.  

Tomorrow ends a season of rest for me.  I will begin a new job.  I had two lovely months of unemployment. I never mind these seasons of unemployment since they are few and far between and they offer me a chance to rest and be free.  This time I was able to trust God more than in the past.  I didn't worry about what was next.  I told him on January 1st of this year that this was a year that I would take Him at His Word.  I am trusting Him for more than I could ask or hope for...more than I would choose for myself.

Another difficult life lesson for me centers around work.  For the longest time, I believed that work was part of the curse.  I  know that work became more difficult after the curse, but work is not a curse.  It took me a long, long time to understand that work is a good thing.  I have benefitted in numerous ways from the jobs I have held.  In each job, I have met amazing people.  I keep a few friends in my life from every job.  They are rewards to me.  Work provides me with a needed structure in my life. It is good for me to have the discipline of getting out of bed at a regular time.  It is good for me to be stretched mentally and intellectually and socially.  So, I have learned to embrace my work.

Tomorrow is a new beginning.  A new chapter of my work life.  It will not be easy. Work never is.  Life never is.  But looking back, I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade the lessons I have learned.  I wouldn't trade how God is using all of life to mold me into the woman I am becoming.  No, I am not having an easy life.  I am experiencing a significant life.  May it grow in significance.  



²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30