Dreams and Crossroads

I dreamed about a tape measure last night.  My dad was still alive, and I was buying him a Christmas present.

He was hard to buy for...a simple man who was happiest walking in the very field you see pictured above. I wanted to give him something other than the usual socks or underwear.  I found this unique tape measure, in my dream, which was actually two tape measures side by side.  I thought he could use it in his little shop/workbench in the basement.  It was sold with other crafty type stuff included in the box, similar to things I had seen in the nooks and crannies of his work table.  I also got him a paperback novel, which Mom scolded me about, "You know he can't read anymore!"  Okay, I thought in my dream, I won't give him the book.  The double tape measure will be enough.

I woke up, dream so vivid, and I asked God what it meant.  I may let you know when He reveals it. I have learned that often God will let me know what He wants me to know when I ask...it just usually isn't immediate.  

I will hear His voice when I am walking or blow-drying my hair or driving.  It will hit me all-of-the-sudden. I have learned to pay attention.  It is not an audible voice, but a strong thought that hits my mind and heart at the same time.  

So, I don't yet know what He wants to tell me from my dream.  There is also the possibility that the dream is about my subconscious-self speaking to me, revealing what my heart believes is true.  That is good information to have as well.

Once, many years ago, I had a dream about going to church in my bathrobe and curlers.  I was sitting near the front, and on this particular Sunday, the pews moved and revolved so that everyone saw me and I felt embarrassed and woefully unprepared for worship.  

I asked God, when I woke up, what the dream meant.  I was sure it was from Him.  I was frustrated when He did not answer immediately.

But then, hours later, as I opened my mouth to sing in the worship service, the meaning hit me suddenly and clearly...it was like a "whoosh!"  

I sensed God speaking, "Janice, you would never come to church physically unprepared...you always look your best.  How many times have you come to church spiritually and emotionally prepared?  How do you prepare your heart for worship?"

That was a revelation.  That was a call to respond.  During that season of my life, I started to attend a prayer meeting early in the morning before church.  I sensed that I needed to pray before I attended the service, to prepare as much internally as I always did externally.

When God asks something specific of me and I KNOW it, I have a choice.  I have a choice to obey or not. To whom much is given, much is required.  (Reading the Bible is life-changing but loaded...once I know His will and His plan, I am faced with decisions.)  Sure, if I choose not to do as He asks, I can be forgiven. But that forgiveness did not come cheap to God.  Ask Him about Jesus.

My holiness is not dependent on my righteousness, it is based on Christ's righteousness.  It is based on accepting and knowing that it is only because of Jesus that I am "saved."

But...walking with God is a relationship.  It is an opportunity to grow deeper in love with Him and to grow into maturity and into a life-that-is-truly-life.  An opportunity to become who I was created to be.  THAT cannot happen without obedience.

We face this crossroad daily, those of us who call ourselves Christian.  We have forks in the road where we get to choose to obey or to do our own thing.  Sometimes we feel that we are getting away with something when we say no to God and know that He still loves us and forgives us.  But we are lying to ourselves.  And even though there is no escaping God's love, there is also no escaping some of the consequences of disobedience.

It is true that He loves us more than we can know.  He will forgive us if we repent, but we are not getting away with anything...we are cheating ourselves out of the life that we were created to live.  When we say "no" to God, we deny ourselves deeper intimacy with our Creator.  We stifle our own spritual growth and growth as human beings.  

Saying "yes" can be painful and require sacrifice.  But the joy...the joy and peace is SO worth it.  

I'm not gonna lie and say I've learned my lesson.  I will still say "no" to God at times...I am human and I am selfish and I struggle to say "yes."  My desire is to learn to say "Yes!" more and more so that the "no's" are fleeting.  

With each "yes" I am stepping closer to His heart.

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow Me..."  

John 10:27 KJV

Debt Free! (How I became debt-free and you can, too)

Wreath lovingly made by my Sis-In-Law, Janet Lawrence

I updated my Facebook status yesterday and it has caused quite a commotion...I have never received so many "likes" and comments before...not to anything.  Not to surviving Cancer, not to one of these carefully crafted blog posts, not to a clever video re posted...NOTHING has garnered the attention of yesterday's status for me.  As I type this, it has 101 likes!  

What is it?

"Just wired my final mortgage payment!  Debt free in every way!  Praise God, my Provider and Sustainer.  Now...to find a job..."

Thank you for celebrating with me.  I am touched by the support.  I am feeling celebratory and grateful. It's almost like I won the lottery.  But it's really not like that at all.  I didn't "win" anything.  I didn't luck into my home...this was a slow and steady process...this was twenty years in the making...this was the culmination of hard work, restraint, patience, and trust.  This day was the harvest of a twenty-year journey.  

Some are expressing envy.  Some who completed this journey before me are giving good advice (don't forget about saving for annual property taxes and insurance which were formerly taken out of escrow). It's true that even though I own my house, clear of debt, it can still be taken from me.  If I fail to pay the annual property taxes, the government can take it and kick me out!  For this reason alone, I am grateful that I chose to stay in my "starter" home. The property taxes are based on the value of the home.  The lower the home value, the lower the taxes.

When I bought this house at twenty-nine years old, my realtor said I should get a balloon loan because I would not still be in it in five years time.  (This is a loan with lower payments but then you have to pay the whole thing off in a specific time, like five years.  At the pay-off, you fund it by getting another loan).

Being a fiscal conservative, I chose to get a conventional 30-year loan.  I am so glad that I did.  When interest rates fell, I refinanced and chose a 15-year loan.  

Would you like to know my secrets?   Would you like to be debt-free, too?

This is my best advice:

1.  Give money away: You cannot outgive God.  I know that probably wasn't what you were expecting.  I gave my life to Christ at nine years old.  When I was in the membership class at my Baptist Church, it was designed for adults.  I didn't understand much about the class but the one thing I heard and understood was the principle of tithing.  This is the only only place I know of in Scripture where God says "test me in this."  (Malachi 3:10-11).  I took it to heart.  In fact, it irritated my mother, who would have preferred that I not tithe the money I earned waitressing that was earmarked for college tuition. But I fought her on this.  My form of rebellion was tithing!  I have tested God and he has ALWAYS met my financial needs...through unemployment (4 times now), through Cancer treatments (2 times now) and I never missed a mortgage payment in twenty years.

2.  Buy a house worth less that "they" say you can afford.  When I bought my house, I was told that I could afford a home worth 40 to 50% more than the one I chose.  I knew that if I bought that much house, I would not have money for other things I needed and some other things I enjoyed.  I chose a small "starter" home.  It doesn't have some things that I would like...it's not a "dream-home" but it is my home and I love it. 

3.  Fight the urge to Trade Up.  My income nearly doubled over the course of the twenty years it took to pay-off my home.  I was tempted for a brief season to consider trading up to a larger home or a home in a location more central to town.  I fought the urge and I am so glad that I did.  Instead, I chose to stay put and make my home as beautiful as I could...I made it "mine" and I settled in.  This enabled me to do some travelling and never miss a payment, even when I was out of a job or undergoing chemotherapy.

4.  Pay extra every month.  After I refinanced at a lower interest rate, I chose to continue to pay the higher monthly payment and even added some to it.  I paid $200 extra principal for a couple of years.  I stopped when I lost my job but when I regained employment, I paid $100 extra or sometimes just $50 extra.  This shaved years off of my loan.  What really helped me was designing a table in Microsoft Excel whereby I was able to calculate how much time I could shave off my loan depending on how much extra I paid.  It was fun to dream and see how fast I could finish.  I wish I had done this sooner and I wish I had been even more disciplined.  


I need to confess...I have been blessed and I have not always been a great steward of money.  I love pretty things, nice jewelry and clothes, and I have wasted money over the years.  I have medicated pain in my life through spending money.  God has worked on my heart and I have had to learn some things the hard way.   

I wish I had learned sooner.  Don't we all?  But I am a work in progress and so are you!  It is never too late to take steps, even baby steps, towards financial freedom.

(I would be remiss if I didn't add one more thing...the best way to be debt-free is to accept God's gift of His son, Jesus, the One who died for all of our debts...great and small).  John 3:16...Timeless Truth! My biggest debts can't be reduced to dollars and cents...my biggest debts were wiped free at Calvary.

Father, I thank You today for providing a beautiful home for me...far beyond what I ever imagined I would have as a single woman.  Thank you for this gift  of a place of peace, of hope, of ministry, and rest to call my own for this season of my life.  Thank You for a tangible reminder of your provision in my life.






I had help decorating from Elle Westover...so Gifted, and such an inspriration in every way!  Thank you, Elle!  See her website HERE.  Or check out her facebook page HERE.

Auld Lang Syne, Valentine (To Endings and Beginnings...and Accidental Roads)

When I was a little girl, I went to lots of weddings.  My father had six brothers which means I had many cousins.  We weren't a close family. I rarely saw my cousins.  But we always went to their weddings. 

I loved the weddings.  I especially loved the procession.  I loved the anticipation of the moment we would see the bride for the first time.  I loved the rose petals on the white runners and I loved that all eyes were fixed on the back doors of the sanctuary.  I loved the moment when the doors were opened and the music swelled and the song and the tempo changed.  My heart would flutter in my chest and I would find it hard to breathe. The emotion was so strong...this was it!   There she was, always looking more beautiful than I'd ever remembered...shining eyes gazed upon her groom who waited for her at the altar.  This was her moment. This was what she had waited for all of her life.

I was torn between looking at the groom's eyes as he first saw his bride in all of her glory and keeping my eyes on the bride's tremulous beauty.  I would fight to hold back tears.  It was always hard not to cry.

All I knew in my young innocence, is that surely this is when life begins.

If that were really true, at forty-nine, I am still waiting to be born.

By the time I finished college, I had begun attending weddings of my peers.  One would think that some of the emotion of the processional would have worn off by then, but it had not.  My need to cry seemed to escalate with each passing year.  My belief that life was beginning for these people I knew and loved didn't change.  My heart would swell and I would choke back tears.  And I would wonder and pray for when my time would come.

To make matters worse, or so it seemed, when I was twenty-five I attended a revival at my church where I was told that I would be married very soon.  I had fasted and prayed before this meeting as we were instructed by our Pastor, and I had sincerely asked God for spiritual renewal in my life.  When I went to the altar for prayer by the guest Preacher, he looked in my eyes and told me that God was telling him that He was preparing me for marriage.  He said that I would be married very soon.  And he said that my husband and I would be a healing team together.

I could hardly contain my excitement, I was in awe...God really does love me!  It wasn't my intention to ask for a husband at this meeting.  I was seeking God.  But He was telling me that He saw my hungry heart and that He was working on the details of my love life.  It couldn't get any better than this!

I believed, in my heart, that I wasn't really loved (or lovable) until I was chosen by a man.  Not just chosen to date but chosen for a lifetime.  I dated some and believed myself to be in love a couple of times, but my heart was so hungry and perhaps my desperation showed.  I ended two relationships.  Not because I didn't love them, but because it was clear that they could not love me.  Maybe they sensed that the hole in my heart was too big for them to fill.  My expectations were so high...they could not be my happiness.

I entered my thirties with hope beginning to wilt.  There was no husband in sight.  My peers continued to marry at a rapid pace.  Those years of weddings of dear friends were fun, don't get me wrong, and I rejoiced with my friends.  But inside, there was pain.  The pain of unmet longing.  The pain of feeling forgotten. The pain of feeling left behind.

It was like I was stuck in a time warp, repeating the same grade over and over while my friends "graduated" into married bliss, and then...building families.  Thank God that I didn't also have that ticking biological clock in my head.  I was never sure about having children.  Part of me wanted a little girl who would look like me, but I didn't allow myself to entertain the thought.  I just longed for the wedding first, and I figured that would follow in time.

It wasn't all misery--those thirty-something years.  I am grateful to have been part of a large church with a thriving singles ministry.  We were like a family, with the same joys and dysfunctions that most families have. I did not date much in the group, as the competition was fierce and I was never one to fight for a man.  I didn't have the confidence to flirt.  I had crushes that came to nothing.  But we had great fun together travelling to the beach or to the North Carolina Mountains.  There were Bible studies, parties, dances and just doing life together.  Life was rich, it was just very different from the way that I had pictured it would be.

Valentine's days were always hard.  I would hope and pray each year that the following year would be different, but it never was.  One year, I wrote a poem for a contest on the Christian radio station called Eternal Love.  I didn't win, but it was published the following year in Billy Graham's Decision Magazine.

Then, when I was thirty-six, I became a cancer survivor.  It was a tumor the size of a watermelon...Ovarian Cancer.  After emergency surgery, I was hospitalized for a week and out of work for seven months while undergoing six rounds of chemotherapy.  Here is a secret that I learned about my unexpected single life...I had an army of friends and family who loved me.

God used this unplanned turn in the road of my life to show me how truly loved I was.  I thrived during this trial.  One of my most treasured possessions now is a guest book that I had in my hospital room...eighty-nine different visitors came to see me in the week following surgery.  None of these visitors were related by blood, only by love.  My room looked like a flower shop with twenty-six flower arrangements and plants.  I honestly think some of the nurses thought that I must be a celebrity.  Upon completing chemotherapy, I had a "Celebrate Life" party with a DJ and over two hundred guests. In my singleness, I had time for investment in many people's lives. I had many, many friends. What I reaped during that season of life was far beyond anything that I had sown. It was rich and full and beyond what I could have imagined.

This was when I first started to believe that I was loved, even without a husband and a nuclear family.  It was wonderful.  It was real.  And isn't it just like the God I serve to be creative in His way to answer my need to feel loved?  He takes the ordinary and makes it extraordinary.  He takes tragedy and turns it to triumph.  

After thriving during this trial in my life, I believed I had earned the right to be married.  I was sure that soon to follow my illness would be a husband.  I joined dating services and I waited with anticipation.  But eventually, the disappointment set in again.  Where was he, God?  When does my life start...this life I have been waiting for...this "we" life?

More Valentines' Days came and went.  One year, I cried out to God in the parking lot of my workplace, asking Him for flowers.  You can read about this story here.  

Not long after my cancer battle, I lost my parents within eight months of each other.  And then I turned forty just one month after my mother passed away.  The loss of my father was somewhat expected; my mother's death was not.  She had a massive stroke.  These goodbyes were ones that I had dreaded my whole life.  I used to cry myself to sleep at night as a little girl, counting the years and wondering how old I would be when I lost my parents.  I grieved that they were older than most of my friends' parents and I knew that I would be fortunate to still have them into my late thirties.  I asked God to let my father live to be at least eighty.  If he lived to be eighty, I would be thirty-nine (unimaginably old to a little girl).  He was eighty when he died.  I wish I had asked for more.

I am learning with these losses.  I am learning with every turn in the road.  What I did not know in my tears as a child was the way I would feel when God showed up when I needed Him most.  I didn't know in my fears that He is truly close to the brokenhearted, just like He promised in His Word.  He has met me in the valleys in ways that I would not have ever been able to anticipate while still on the mountaintops.  Nothing is wasted with God.  I don't get the measure of Grace that I will need a minute before I need it...but when it is needed, it overflows.  He is always on time and He is always Enough.  Always.

That doesn't mean this journey is pain-free.  Not at all.  If even Jesus wept, why should I be spared tears? The Bible says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick.." (Proverbs 13:2).  I can attest to this.  Approaching my mid-forties, I felt heart-sick.  By this time, I had witnessed the weddings and the births of new miracles into most of my dearest friends' worlds.  I was stuck in a "grade" that I didn't want to be in.  I felt like a relationship failure.  I felt forgotten.  I began to feel unlovable again.  I began to be bitter.  

I remember exactly where I was when my attitude began to change.  I had to make a choice.  I was in my living room, tying my tennis shoes before leaving the house to play tennis.  I was about to turn off the television when I heard this quote which I have since discovered was penned by E.M. Forster, "We must be willing to let go of the life that we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

I decided there and then, in that moment, that I was going to celebrate my life as it is, instead of continuing to mourn what never was.  I was going to embrace the journey.  I was going to plan some vacations.  I was a family of one and I decided that I was going to have a family vacation.

Within the next seven months, I had not one but two wonderful family vacations.  I chose to go to tennis camps in Burlington, Vermont and Tuscany! If you start at the beginning of this blog, you can read about my trips.  Italy, especially, was a triumph.  Pictures of this adventure grace my bedroom walls and in the offices where I work.  When I look at them, I remember the richness of this time in my life...the beauty in yielding to the life I have been given and in letting go of the mourning of what has not yet come to pass.

How patient and kind God is with me!  I am like the Israelites in the desert...they longed to leave their captivity in Egypt, but then...they grumbled and complained in their journey to the promised land to the point of wanting to go back to Egypt!  I laid down my longings in order to celebrate my life as it is...but like a pendulum, I had swung too far.   The pain of unmet longing was too great to bear.  I began to give up my dreams in my heart. I resolved myself to singleness.  I didn't want to live in the tension of gratefulness and yet longing.  I told myself that the man who spoke into my life at twenty-five was just wrong.  He had not heard from God at all.

Thank God for friends and mentors who aren't afraid to speak truth into my life.  All through the years, I have always had wiser people around me to shake me and wake me up.  Someone dear to me challenged me about giving up...she challenged me to face the pain and stir up belief and trust again.  

Life seems to have a cycle and a rhythm to it.  I can go through extended time with not much change and then whoosh!  Change is happening all around me.  In the past two years, I have experienced the "whoosh!" My head is spinning.  So much goodness.  So many trials.  So many triumphs.

You are expecting me to tell you that I have fallen in love?  No...not yet.  Not with a man, anyway.  But my heart is open again.  My faith is strong.  It doesn't hurt anymore to hope.  Because I know that my hope is not empty, it is legitimate.  It is rational hope.  I am getting to know the Author of Hope better and I am trusting Him more.

I have lost two jobs in the past year, yet I am feeling more secure than ever. Feeling secure because my God is who He says He is.  Feeling grateful because my life is rich and full, even though there is no earthly Valentine again this year...no one to send me flowers or kiss me.  No one to hold me at night.

It just doesn't matter today.  My God is who He says He is and He will do what He says he is going to do.  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11  I am starting to believe that the man who spoke into my life at twenty-five may have heard from God after all.  Perhaps it has taken twenty-five years to prepare me for marriage...to prepare me to be part of a healing team.  Maybe it will take even more years.  I will choose to believe and hope.

So...what am I doing on Valentines' Day?  I am having a slumber party with three teenagers!  We are going to eat chocolate and watch chick flicks and share dreams.  We have been sharing life together for the past year. I have been mentoring them as best I can by sharing my journey with them.  They are the daughters I never had...so sweet.

I tell them not to grow weary in waiting on the Lord.  I tell them to think of me when they grow impatient... I am waiting but not passively so...I am living in the wait.  I am celebrating life in the wait.   I am not waiting for life to begin with that walk down the aisle.  

Well...actually...life did begin for me with a walk down the aisle.  It wasn't on a white runner with rose petals. It was crimson carpet.  This journey of mine began when I walked down the aisle of my Baptist church at nine years old, answering a call to give my life to God.  I remember the rapid beat of my heart as I sensed the Holy Spirit nudging me to leave my pew and walk alone.  I remember my mother's tears as I tugged on her coat to tell her I wanted to go. She said, "We will be leaving in a minute."  I said, "No, I want to go up there," and I pointed to the altar.  I remember I was wearing a red checked dress with white knee socks...a far cry from a wedding gown.  I walked alone, to the swell of the organ and the sound of voices singing.  I walked to the front and I stood. And you know what?  I am still standing.

This beautiful song, Accidental Road by Allen Levi is a theme in my life.  

More music by Allen Levi can be found HERE

Do You Feel Empty?

There was a time in my life when I felt so empty.  And I felt guilty about feeling empty.  I am a Christian.  I am not supposed to feel that way, am I?  If I believe the God of the Universe loves me and I believe all the wonderful promises found in scripture, how could I feel so empty?

I am convinced it is because I had a warped view of life.  I believed some well meaning lies and took them to the extreme...that others should always come first.  I took it to the extreme...that others mattered more...that I must always defer to them...to their comfort...to not offend...to please...to bless...to have no regard for myself.

From time to time, the extreme became self-hatred.  Shame and despising who I am.  Well, there's a recipe for a happy life...why would I feel empty?  (this is sarcasm, in case you don't know)

Now I know the truth...I will have nothing to give to you unless I am full.  When I am full, I overflow.  I think of a pitcher of water at the sink, water pouring in and then flowing over the top of the brim.  

In the group I attend weekly at the Harris Y, we talk about lifestyle change and self-care.  More than once, we have reminded each other of this:  when you are on an airplane and the instructions are being given for the oxygen mask, the flight attendant always says, "Make sure you administer to the oxygen to yourself before you attend to small children or others needing assistance."  Why is that?  If I am empty of oxygen, I'll pass out and be good for nothing.  How can I help those needing assistance if I pass out from lack of oxygen?

Here's my favorite quote from Melodie Beattie's classic book, Codependent No More, "I saw people who felt responsible for the entire world, but they refused to take responsibility for leading and living their own lives."  

I am not responsible for the world.  I am responsible for me.  To some of you, this may be elementary.  For me, it has been life changing.  As I trust God to take care of the world and figure out how to take care of myself, I have become much better at overflowing.  The end result is that I am caring more for others around me.  I am relaxed and more fun to be around.  I am at peace.  I am full.

What does this look like practically?  For me, it means making time in my day to pray and acknowledge my need for God and His presence in my life.  It means reading the Bible or a devotional each day to remind myself of truth.  It means I learn to recognize my emotions are indicators of needs in my life and I find healthy ways to meet those needs.  If I am lonely, I plan time with a friend.  If I am tired, I get more sleep.  If I am hungry, I feed myself food that will offer nutrition to my body (most of the time!).  

It also means I begin to do things I don't necessarily "feel" like doing because I know that I will benefit in the end.  As a single woman, I need a sense of community.  I need a sense of family.  I must get outside of my home to develop that community.  My favorite place to do this is church.  In every church I have attended, I have made it a point to join a life group or Bible study.  It is important to continue to cultivate relationships...to receive from others and to "overflow" in to their lives.

We were never meant to be alone.  And no one person can satisfy all of our needs.  I am convinced that I need a variety of people in my life to be whole and healthy.  Good friends challenge me to become more than I am today. Hopefully, I challenge them right back.

It has been a long while since I felt empty.  It has been a long while (well over a year, maybe two) since I was physically sick.  I am convinced that this is because I make sleep a priority.  It is not that I haven't had stress in my life.  When I do go through periods of stress, I focus more on my body and spirit.  I go to work, I sleep more, I eat healthy, and I pray.  I only do more if I feel up to it.  As the stress passes, I can bring back more activity in to my life.  This has worked well for me.

Today, I am grateful for a full heart and peace.  I am full of hope, full of joy, and full of anticipation at what lies ahead.  More changes are in store, of this I am sure.  I feel that I have a toolbox full of wisdom and practical ideas from which to draw upon...no need for fear.  No need for confusion.  I go to the Source, I get full, I learn to care for myself...and hopefully...I will overflow to others.  It is my desire to be an encouragement to others.  And ultimately, to please my Lord and Savior.  All I really have to do, is continue to become who He created me to be: A woman who is full and overflowing...

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

Reflection, Risk and Investment

Years ago, I heard a sermon from Tony Campolo in which he quoted a survey of elderly people who were confined to a nursing home.  When asked what three things they would do differently if they had their lives to live over, their reply was:

1. I would have spent more time reflecting
2. I would have taken more risks
3. I would have invested in something that would outlast my life

I have never forgotten these words and I often ponder them, especially when we enter this time of year when resolutions are being made (and broken.) Life isn't a sprint, it's more of a marathon; resolutions aren't so effective for me.  I do whole heartedly believe in lifestyle change and I believe it takes time and stumbling...falling and get back up again.  I also believe in sanctification.  That, too, is a lifelong process of work by the Holy Spirit in my life as I yield more and more to Him.

Reflecting on 2013 makes my heart feel full.  It was a very good year for me...one of the best in recent memory.  Some highlights:

• A Lost Job:  On January 3, 2013, I lost a job that I loved after giving it over to God, so I knew that moving on was His purpose.  There was great peace and joy in knowing this despite the uncertainty of the future.

• Travelling Solo:  During my two months of unemployment I started this blog after some encouragement from a friend.  I had declared on January 1st, 2013, that this would be my "Year of Words":  Taking God at His Word, speaking words of life and blessing instead of curses, and writing more. What a blessing this "year of words" has been for me!  By the way, the picture below is one I took at the entry to Villa Il Leccio in Tuscany.  I chose to begin the first part of my Blog sharing about my SOLO trip to Italy, as it was such an important part of my journey as a single Christian woman...embracing and celebrating what IS instead of what has not yet come to pass.

• A New Job:  I started a new job on March 4th which has been a huge blessing and a challenge.  One of my desires was to work closer to home, and this is just 5 miles away.  I had actually passed the building regularly and had prayed in my car on at least one occasion that I might get a job there. When I applied for the position on Linked In, I had no idea that the job I had applied for was at this building. What a surprise!  God has a clever sense of humor.

• Inner Healing:  My source for inner healing is the One True Giver of Life...Jesus.  I have had the privilege in the past year to receive prayer for inner healing from a ministry called Aletheia.  Through this extended prayer time and afterward, I sensed God peeling off layers of wounds and baggage in my life (like peeling an onion.)  Each time I think I am completely free, I see there is more to come. There were actually three sessions with ladies from Aletheia (two in 2012 and one in 2013).  Prior to that, I had several sessions with another dear mentor and prayer warrior, Brenda Young.  Brenda is the mom of my friend, Julie, and she has adopted me as a bonus daughter.  I have shared some wonderful weekends with Brenda and her husband, Glenn, in Charleston (most recently in August 2013) with my BFF, Laura.  It is wonderful to have "family" that is not blood-relations, but heart-relations.  

• Emotional Freedom:  I have continued to doggedly pursue emotional health and freedom.  A huge help and blessing is the HOPE group at the Harris Y in Charlotte.  My tendency runs towards "all or nothing" and "codependency" and neither serves me well.  This past year was a growth spurt year for me in taking responsibility for my life and letting go of my deluded sense of responsibility for others' feelings and beliefs.  I cannot change anyone but me...and I am the one who needs the change.  That has been freeing for me.  We all have our challenges in life.  What may seem to be a "given" for you is a challenge for me, and vice versa.  I have chosen to invest time and effort to change unhealthy patterns in my life and it is paying off!  Not that I have it all figured out...   

Taking More Risks:

• Travelling SOLO:  This blog is a risk for me.  I have chosen to be transparent here and share my journey with its joys, sorrows and even, embarrassments.  Writing, connecting, communicating...these are things that give my life meaning.  I am a professional accountant by day but I have never fit the mold of the "reserved professional."  I am expressive and authentic and sometimes, way too direct for the corporate world.  I am learning to temper that in order to improve my job performance but in this space, I am free to be myself and it is here that I feel most at home. Thank you for taking the time to read and by doing so, share in my journey.

• Dating:  I have taken risks in 2013 by opening myself up to the dating world again.  It is my desire to have a husband of God's choosing.  There was a long season where I became cynical about it and kind of closed the door to my heart because I was tired of the waiting.  The Bible says in Proverbs 13:12: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  My heart was sick and tired of getting hopes up only to be dashed and disappointed.  I began to believe lies about men and about myself. So now, I am starting fresh.  I am choosing to believe that love is possible and it's never too late...I joined a dating site.  Not that all my hopes are there...I am open to any method God chooses to use to help my man to find me.  I actually had a five week relationship/friendship which was hopeful but ended.  It was the first in a long, long while.  It was actually, overall, a very positive experience and I am thankful that this man was in my life, even for a season.  I learned so much, especially about myself, and I hope that it was fruitful for him as well.

Investing in something that will outlast my life:

• Investing in Youth: In February, I began mentoring 3 beautiful teen girls.  This, too, was an answer to prayer as I had longed to begin "giving back" after all the years I have been a recipient of the care of older, wiser women.  See some of my Bonus Moms here...  As often happens with God, I didn't have to do anything but pray, wait, and watch.  These girls came to me...I heard that they were reaching out to peers at school (desiring to pray for them) and I recognized their hearts for God.  I decided to join Him where He was already working (a principle from the book, Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby).   They come to my home once of week for encouragement, sharing, Bible study, and prayer.  I am loving this time with them. 

• Travelling SOLO has become more than a travel journal.  My hope and prayer is that my words will reach out to many who share this single journey and/or many who are on different journeys but who can appreciate mine and be enriched in some way (and so...going beyond my life).  A link to this blog has been posted on a popular facebook page called Abstinence Until Marriage.  Though this page, between Thanksgiving and December 31st, my words have been read by 2,580 unique individuals in 97 countries.  I am learning geography as I feel compelled to learn where everyone is!  The world is shrinking with technology and I am in awe of it all.  

So, to my new friends and old, what do you see when you look back on 2013?  Do not be discouraged by whatever you see.  Some years are more obviously fruitful than others, but nothing is wasted with God.  I was privileged to hear a sermon by Devin Tharp last Sunday at Good Shepherd.  This phrase has come to mind again and again this week:  "Our Wandering is God's Preparing."  In times where it feels like I am making no progress whatsoever, God is preparing me.  It's like I'm in the oven and I'm not ready yet...for whatever is next.  

This past year has been full of signs of God's intervention in my life.  I hope that you will be encouraged by it. He will do the same for you, in a different way of course, because all of our journey's are unique. Feel free to share in the comments section a Reflection, a Risk, or an Investment from 2013 in your life. Or perhaps...an expectation or plan for 2014.  

Happy New Year!

Do You Pray for an Easy Life?

When I was on the St. Giles Women's Retreat over the weekend of February 22nd, I had a very vivid dream.  I had just finished reconnecting with Helen Atwood, Pastor Nate's beautiful and grace-filled wife.  She was a dear friend years ago when I attended St. Giles and she had spoken kind words to me back then.  

In my very vivid dream, Helen said to me, "Janice, I am not going to pray for you to have an easy life."  I responded with conviction, "No!  I do not want an easy life.  I want a significant life."

I was so firmly confident in my words to Helen in my dream.  It seemed so real. When I woke up, it made me smile.

I don't know if I have prayed for an easy life in the past.  I do know that I expected an easy life.  I expected smooth sailing.  I expected a fairy tale ending.  For years, I lived in bitter disappointment.  My life had not turned out the way I had dreamed that it would.  I didn't realize that most human beings share the same sentiment.

We live in a fallen world.  We are a people in desperate need of a Savior.  Wounded people wound people. There is no utopia this side of Heaven.  It is a mixed bag. But, oh, there are sweet moments.  There are moments of wonderful.  

I would not say that I have had an easy life thus far.  I did not receive the husband of my youth for whom I so deeply longed.  I have not received a nuclear family thus far in my life.  I am forty-eight years young and I am still waiting to see what God will do.  I have grieved my disappointment.  I have felt the pain of unmet longing.  It has hurt.

When I was 36, I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer.  I lost both of my ovaries along with my hair.  I went through chemotherapy.  I grieved again, knowing that there would never be a little girl in my life who looked like me.  But I can say with conviction that the season of battling my cancer was one of the sweetest times in my life.  I experienced love and community from friends and family like I never had before...like I had never dreamed that I would.  It was like there was a big banner over my life during that season that said, " I AM LOVED." 

My Dear Friend, Swooz, shaved my head when my hair began falling out...

Just 3 years after my Ovarian Cancer I lost my Daddy to Alzheimers.  He was 80.  I had prayed over and over in my bed when I was a little girl for my parents to live long lives.  I remember asking the Lord to let him live until at least 80.  How sweet that God obliged me.  Then, just 8 months later, I unexpectedly lost my Mom at age 76.  She had a severe stroke.  I had the privilege of sleeping in her hospital room in a cot beside her bed for the last 4 days of her life here on earth.  She was in a coma, but I talked to her believing that she could hear me with her spirit, that she knew that I was there.  I sang to her and I thanked her and I prayed for her and I read scripture to her.  I talked to her about all of our friends and relatives who had gone on before us.  I like to think that I helped to prepare her for Heaven.  She was afraid of dying.  I had the privilege of singing the Doxology over her body just minutes after she ascended into Heaven.  I had the joy of speaking at her funeral and at my father's funeral.  Losing them was painful.  One is never ready to say goodbye...but scripture came alive to me in a new way.  Psalm 34:18 is really true, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Paul and Dolores Lawrence, married 51 years

Toxic shame has been another source of pain in my life.  In my perfectionism, I somehow believed that I was inherently broken.  I grew up thinking that there was something horribly wrong with me.  Everyone else seemed to have it together but I just could not be good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, talented enough. My journey in this regard has included years of Christian therapy and hard-fought battles.  I have come a long way.  I have learned about God's grace and I embrace it more and more each day.  I have grace for myself now and grace for others.  This journey has been painful but I wouldn't trade what I have learned.  

Tomorrow ends a season of rest for me.  I will begin a new job.  I had two lovely months of unemployment. I never mind these seasons of unemployment since they are few and far between and they offer me a chance to rest and be free.  This time I was able to trust God more than in the past.  I didn't worry about what was next.  I told him on January 1st of this year that this was a year that I would take Him at His Word.  I am trusting Him for more than I could ask or hope for...more than I would choose for myself.

Another difficult life lesson for me centers around work.  For the longest time, I believed that work was part of the curse.  I  know that work became more difficult after the curse, but work is not a curse.  It took me a long, long time to understand that work is a good thing.  I have benefitted in numerous ways from the jobs I have held.  In each job, I have met amazing people.  I keep a few friends in my life from every job.  They are rewards to me.  Work provides me with a needed structure in my life. It is good for me to have the discipline of getting out of bed at a regular time.  It is good for me to be stretched mentally and intellectually and socially.  So, I have learned to embrace my work.

Tomorrow is a new beginning.  A new chapter of my work life.  It will not be easy. Work never is.  Life never is.  But looking back, I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade the lessons I have learned.  I wouldn't trade how God is using all of life to mold me into the woman I am becoming.  No, I am not having an easy life.  I am experiencing a significant life.  May it grow in significance.  



²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30