Breaking up is hard to do.
The beginning of a new relationship can be exciting and intoxicating. The other person can seem like a "perfect" match. He likes me; check! I like him; check! We laugh together; check! We share similar interests; check! He says he loves God, too! Big Check!
What could possibly go wrong?
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23
In the midst of the fun and excitement of a new relationship it is important to keep eyes and ears open and the heart slightly guarded. No matter how much you may try to convince yourself otherwise, the truth remains that it takes time to really get to know someone. It will take time to figure out if this relationship has potential for a lifetime.
How much time? That is hard to say. Enough time for you to really get to know each other and see each other's strengths and weaknesses. Enough time for each of you to seek God and determine, independent of each other, that this seems right. Enough time for him to meet your peeps and for you to meet his: friends, family, loved ones. All should have a relatively good feeling about the two of you together. If they do not, try to listen with an open mind. Sometimes friends and family see things that we are blinded to because of our deep affection for the other person. (They do say love is blind!) All of this takes T-I-M-E. If any flags arise, any hints that something may be wrong...don't dismiss them. Keep them in mind while enjoying getting to know him. See him in different settings and in different seasons. Do you trust him to make wise decisions? Does he act compulsively or does he take time to make important decisions? Does he pray and seek God's will for his life? Is he emotionally healthy? Does he honor you and help you to protect your purity/boundaries or does he pressure you to have sex with him? If the latter, does he "really" love God or is he just giving lip service? Actions speak louder than words. How you observe him living his life will tell you more about him than the words that come out of his mouth.
I still haven't found "the one" for me. I am not sure that I believe that there is just one...but I do believe I have freedom of choice in regards to relationships within the parameters that God has laid out in scripture. This blogger sums it up nicely...click here.
What I really want to talk about here is "Breaking Up." No matter how old I get or how much wisdom I think I have gained, one thing never changes...just like the old song says--Breaking Up Is Hard to Do!
Here are a few things that I have learned over the years:
1. The more physically intimate we were, the harder to break-up. Sex was meant to be reserved for marriage. The Bible talks about two becoming one...this is more than just a physical union. I think most Christians agree on this. Okay, no sex--then what is permissible?
"Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything. I Cor 6:12
...The body is not meant for sexual immorality , but for the Lord... I Cor 6:13
...Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your body. I Cor 6:18-20
Some things may be permissible for me, but not beneficial. I know myself pretty well. I have learned that I need strong boundaries in order to have a healthy dating relationship. Kissing is wonderful and fun; however, for me--kissing means "I love you." Even when I have tried in the past to kiss "just for fun," it really didn't work that way for me. It fostered a false sense of intimacy and made me more committed than I should have been. It made it harder to break-up when I knew that it was inevitable. Additionally, it made sexual temptation that much stronger. Instead of running away from temptation, I felt that I was running toward it. For these reasons---to be true to my heart and respectful, I have set a boundary in regards to kissing. I don't want to kiss on the lips until we both can say "I love you." Not, I love you like I love ice cream, but I love you and I have a level of commitment to you.
You may feel differently about this. That is okay. This is a boundary that I feel I need. Each person should prayerfully consider what is best in light of his/her own conscience and understanding of scripture.
2. A cooling off period is needed before attempting a friendship. Yes, it is possible to become friends with someone I have previously dated, but it doesn't come easily or naturally at first. I need a cooling off period. I need time to get over my affections, to break the familiar habits that are "more than friends." Attempting a friendship too soon usually results in regressing into the default patterns of deeper relationship and then having to break-up all over again. This prolongs the inevitable and makes the break-up more emotionally draining. It also wastes time...time that could be better spent.
3. It is best to cut off all communication for a season. This one is much harder to do if the break-up is with a co-worker or a member of the same church. I have found it best to limit or, if possible, eliminate all conversation or contact for a long while. It took time to develop the strong feelings of "more than friendship" and it will take time to get over the familiar feelings. It is natural to continue to feel affection for a former boyfriend even when I know that it was not a wise or a healthy relationship for me. You probably know women who continued to go back to abusive relationships. Even when emotional or physical abuse is involved, there will almost always be a temptation to go back to the familiar. This attachment has to be broken through separation, time, and prayer.
4. Praying for a former boyfriend may need to cease. This may sound harsh, but hear me out. If feelings are not dissipating and the relationship was particularly toxic, he needs to be off of your prayer list for the immediate future. Enlist trusted friends to pray for him so that you can stop and know that he is being covered in prayer. Prayer involves expending emotional energy...it can be bonding. While attempting to break the emotional bond of a former relationship, prayer for that person may need to cease in your life for a season. You must get to the place where you no longer feel attached...you are not responsible for his life and you are especially not responsible for his happiness. You are responsible for yourself and your relationship with God. You are responsible for your happiness.
5. Keep a short list handy of the reasons the relationship ended. As time passes, it sometimes becomes easy to remember the good things (that are increasingly missed) and to forget the bad things or the "warning signs" that initiated the break-up. You may be two terrific people who are toxic for each other. Or maybe it wasn't toxic..maybe you just weren't compatible for a lifelong commitment. In either case, remembering why helps prevent going back. Going back into the relationship because you forgot why it ended is not prudent. Why waste time and energy?
Or maybe he initiated the break-up. If so, there is your answer. You cannot make someone love you. You are not desperate. You are not a beggar. You want to be with someone who will love and appreciate you. Don't spend energy pining for someone who cannot or will not love you. Trust God to bring someone into your life who can and will love you.
6. Practice Grace...receive it and give it. (This has been a hard one for me but I am getting better at it.) Don't beat yourself up! Don't beat-up the other person, either! Dating is about discovering if you are a match for a lifetime. Unless you marry the first person you date, there are going to be times when you discover the answer is "no." If you have sinned, confess it to God and to the other person and receive forgiveness. Maybe you did nothing wrong...maybe you did everything "right" but it just wasn't the best for you. That is okay. What did you learn about relationships? What did you learn about yourself? These are good things to keep with you. These are gifts. Nothing is wasted...
7. Press on and keep your eyes on Jesus.
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of for me. Phil 3:12
...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phil 3:13-14
As with any goal in life, I must press on. Yes, my goal with a small "g" is getting married. I do desire a husband with whom to share life's joys and sorrows. But my Goal with a big "G" is to live a life worthy of the calling of Jesus. My relationships with potential suitors either foster this or they do not. If not, I must move on and fix my eyes on Jesus. Ultimately I will stand before Him when this life is over. Even if my once-thought-of worst case scenario happens, and I do not marry in this life, I will be a bride one day. I will participate in the wedding feast of the Lamb. And perhaps, I will have another jewel in my crown to lay at Jesus' feet. Nothing is wasted with God...
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3
Wow. You hit the nail(s) on the head w/ this post. So much hard-earned wisdom here. Thanks, Janice!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Kelly! Don't you know it! Feel free to share...although most of us choose to learn the hard way.
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