He is Jealous for Me

Click on the link below and listen as you read.  This is sung by the author of the song, John Mark McMillan...(most familiar version is sung by David Crowder).  For the poignant story behind the song, click HERE.

Did you know that He is jealous for you?  He is jealous for your affection...for my affection.  That we would have no other gods before Him.  

Gods with a little "g" can be anything or anyone that we would worship with time, talent, money, sacrifice...anything all-consuming that we would put before God.  

He's not jealous in a worldly way...jealous like a abusive husband or unreasonable friend.  He is righteously jealous because He alone is worthy of our worship and devotion.  

This song has helped me to understand His jealous love in a new way.  It's a beautiful, pure love...a love that gives all unto death...a love that bends me and pushes me out of my comfort zone...a love that blesses me beyond my expectations and a love that dares to say "no" to me.  A love that denies me of things I cry for because He knows what I really need...He knows the rest of the story.  His jealous love is worthy of trust.  And complete devotion.

At times in my life I have felt completely broken...broken after the end of a dream or relationship...heart-sick, even.  One of those times, a friend wisely advised me to lean into God like a palm tree leans into the wind.  This song says he loves like a hurricane.  It feels like that sometimes. 

When I yield my "will" and lean in, something beautiful happens.  The winds die down.  The storm passes.  And I am left seemingly with "limbs that are bent but beautiful and often on the ground...but alive."  Not just alive, but with my knees and heart bent and yielded, I become more like who I was created to be...and that is a good thing.

Those bent palm trees by the shore...they know how to bend with the wind.  They aren't in danger of being snapped in half.  They know to yield.  I have learned with experience the same...I am much better off to yield my will and say "yes" to whatever God asks of me. 

It's not nearly as frightening as it used to be...I love that He is jealous for me.  Who else loves me like that?  Who else can I trust blindly with my life? Who else laid down His life, that I might live? 

..if grace is an ocean, we're all sinking...

...so heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest...I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way...

Maybe you feel like running away.  Maybe you know in your heart you just don't love God like that...that you can never love this jealous God.  Don't give up on yourself.  Ask Him today to plant faith in you. Ask Him to show you His love in a tangible way and keep your eyes and ears open.  He is jealous for you.  He won't leave you alone until you are His. 

...Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with god something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross.  Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.   

Philippians 2:6-11

Are you from Rowley Regis?

I see on Google Analytics that there is someone from a little town in England called Rowley Regis reading this Blog.

Whomever you are--Hello and Welcome!  

I am so curious about you.

I looked up your town on Wikipedia and the Parish Church there is named St. Giles!

There is a wonderful church here in Charlotte, NC called St. Giles.  How amazing!  

Please write a comment and say hello.  If you are shy, tell me not to post it and only I will see it.

I am finding that Blogging is a wonderful way to make friends all over the world.  Very cool...

Christmas Coffee with God

So I woke up this morning feeling unsettled and tired.  I had planned to go to the 8:30 service at church...there are lots of things to do today.  I enjoyed a Christmas party last night and there is one at lunch time today with some dear girlfriends.

I peeked at Facebook, as I always do when I am still lying in bed.  Our new Youth Pastor, Devin Tharp, had posted this:

"The loud boisterous noises of the world make us deaf to the soft, gentle, and loving voice of God."   Henri Nouwen

Yes!  That is what I am feeling during the bustle of the Christmas season.  Isn't it ironic that a time of year when we are supposed to be celebrating God's greatest gift to us...Himself...we become distracted from Him in our celebrating?  How can that be?

The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.  "Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was and earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.  I Kings 19:11-12

Why does God choose to speak in the still, small voice?  Why is He in the gentle whisper?

I think it is because He wants us to seek Him with our whole hearts, not with distracted hearts.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:13

What do you need to do today to make room for Him in your heart?  How will you make time for "the soft, gentle, and loving voice of God?"

Me...I am having coffee with God.

Listen as you spend time with Him...

Love Isn't All You Need

Sometimes love isn't enough.  

Here are some famous lies about love:

• Love means never having to say you're sorry.  
• If I love him enough, he will change.

Remember the famous line in the movie, "Love Story," Love means never having to say you're sorry?  Does anyone really believe that?  Love means learning to die to one's self.  Love is wonderful and incredibly hard sometimes.  Love means having to say you are sorry again and again...love sometimes means wounding the other person...and receiving wounds.

I am not an expert on love.  I am trying to figure it out.  I would love to find a Christian man with whom to share my life and ministry.  Here are a few tidbits of wisdom I have gleaned on my journey.  Feel free to share yours in the comments at the end.  Maybe we can help each other!

1.  I need to be open to change.  Never mind about finding the "perfect" person (as far as I know, the only perfect person who has ever walked this earth is Jesus).  And never mind about finding the "almost" perfect person and trying to change him. What is most important is that I work on changing me.  

2.  I need to know myself.  What are my strengths and weaknesses?  What do I enjoy and what would I like to avoid?  Do I have patterns in relationships that seem to repeat themselves?  Is there a type of person who brings out the best/worst in me?  What is my primary Love Language?

3.  I am not looking for my other "half."  I am a whole person who is looking for another whole person.  I am not half-of-a-person waiting to be completed.  Oh, there's another famous movie line, You complete me.  

4.  Laughter is Medicine for Soul.  Sometimes the search for love can be intense and serious...I don't want to make a mistake.  I want to "get it right."  When it's all said and done, enjoying someones company and laughing together goes a long way.  From what I have observed in the marriages of my friends and family, being best friends and enjoying each other's company is a strong foundation.

5.  Lust and Love are not the same thing.  I think it is important for the attraction to be mutual, however, sometimes the strongest physical attraction doesn't make for the best romance.  The intensity of lust will fade over time.  Is there a foundation of shared faith, mutual respect, shared interests, and pure enjoyment of being together?

6.  Personal boundaries must be respected.  It is healthy to have personal boundaries.  I am suspect if I meet a man who seems to have none.  I run away if he doesn't respect my boundaries.  One huge boundary for me is that I will not engage in premarital sex.  I call it "practicing faithfulness."  I am being faithful to God, to myself, and to my future husband.  If a potential partner cannot appreciate this, then he is not someone who should pursue me.  I don't just want my boundary to be tolerated, I want it to be appreciated.  Doesn't he ultimately want a wife who has proved her faithfulness to him even before he met her?  If he doesn't, he is not the man for me.

7.  It is a deal breaker if he does not hunger for God.  Life is hard.  As we get older, it seems to get harder.  I need a man I can "lean on" in the hard times.  If he is leaning on God, I can lean on him.  The most important relationship in my life is my relationship with God.  He is my touchstone.  He is my all in all.  A man must share this with me.  He can't just give lip service to being a Christian...I need to hear him pray...I need to see him walk with God.  

Okay, I'm sure there are many other things I could say here, but seven seems like a good number for now.  What do you think?  Please feel free to comment and share your thoughts.

1 Corinthians 13

New International Version (NIV)

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Although this was written with my younger friends in mind, this applies to older single friends, too, including me!  This is not about a marriage break-up...marriage is a covenant relationship ordained by God.  I don't pretend to know the heartache or complexities involved with the dissolution of a marriage. My experience is limited to dating relationships...and, as I am a Christian woman, I have written from the perspective of relationships with men.  

Breaking up is hard to do.

The beginning of a new relationship can be exciting and intoxicating.  The other person can seem like a "perfect" match.  He likes me; check!  I like him; check! We laugh together; check!  We share similar interests; check!  He says he loves God, too!  Big Check!

What could possibly go wrong?

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.  Proverbs 4:23

In the midst of the fun and excitement of a new relationship it is important to keep eyes and ears open and the heart slightly guarded.  No matter how much you may try to convince yourself otherwise, the truth remains that it takes time to really get to know someone.  It will take time to figure out if this relationship has potential for a lifetime.

How much time?  That is hard to say.  Enough time for you to really get to know each other and see each other's strengths and weaknesses.  Enough time for each of you to seek God and determine, independent of each other, that this seems right.  Enough time for him to meet your peeps and for you to meet his: friends, family, loved ones. All should have a relatively good feeling about the two of you together.  If they do not, try to listen with an open mind. Sometimes friends and family see things that we are blinded to because of our deep affection for the other person. (They do say love is blind!)  All of this takes T-I-M-E.  If any flags arise, any hints that something may be wrong...don't dismiss them.  Keep them in mind while enjoying getting to know him.  See him in different settings and in different seasons. Do you trust him to make wise decisions? Does he act compulsively or does he take time to make important decisions?  Does he pray and seek God's will for his life?  Is he emotionally healthy?  Does he honor you and help you to protect your purity/boundaries or does he pressure you to have sex with him?  If the latter, does he "really" love God or is he just giving lip service? Actions speak louder than words.  How you observe him living his life will tell you more about him than the words that come out of his mouth.    

I still haven't found "the one" for me.  I am not sure that I believe that there is just one...but I do believe I have freedom of choice in regards to relationships within the parameters that God has laid out in scripture. This blogger sums it up nicely...click here.

What I really want to talk about here is "Breaking Up."  No matter how old I get or how much wisdom I think I have gained, one thing never changes...just like the old song says--Breaking Up Is Hard to Do!

Here are a few things that I have learned over the years:

1.  The more physically intimate we were, the harder to break-up.  Sex was meant to be reserved for marriage.  The Bible talks about two becoming one...this is more than just a physical union.  I think most Christians agree on this.  Okay, no sex--then what is permissible?  

"Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything.  I Cor 6:12

...The body is not meant for sexual immorality , but for the Lord...  I Cor 6:13

...Flee from sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.  Do you not know that your your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your body.  I Cor 6:18-20

Some things may be permissible for me, but not beneficial.  I know myself pretty well.  I have learned that I need strong boundaries in order to have a healthy dating relationship.  Kissing is wonderful and fun; however, for me--kissing means "I love you."  Even when I have tried in the past to kiss "just for fun," it really didn't work that way for me. It fostered a false sense of intimacy and made me more committed than I should have been.  It made it harder to break-up when I knew that it was inevitable.  Additionally, it made sexual temptation that much stronger.  Instead of running away from temptation, I felt that I was running toward it.  For these reasons---to be true to my heart and respectful, I have set a boundary in regards to kissing.  I don't want to kiss on the lips until we both can say "I love you."  Not, I love you like I love ice cream, but I love you and I have a level of commitment to you.  

You may feel differently about this.  That is okay.  This is a boundary that I feel I need.  Each person should prayerfully consider what is best in light of his/her own conscience and understanding of scripture.

2.  A cooling off period is needed before attempting a friendship.  Yes, it is possible to become friends with someone I have previously dated, but it doesn't come easily or naturally at first.  I need a cooling off period.  I need time to get over my affections, to break the familiar habits that are "more than friends." Attempting a friendship too soon usually results in regressing into the default patterns of deeper relationship and then having to break-up all over again.  This prolongs the inevitable and makes the break-up more emotionally draining.  It also wastes time...time that could be better spent.

3.  It is best to cut off all communication for a season.   This one is much harder to do if the break-up is with a co-worker or a member of the same church.  I have found it best to limit or, if possible, eliminate all conversation or contact for a long while.  It took time to develop the strong feelings of "more than friendship" and it will take time to get over the familiar feelings.  It is natural to continue to feel affection for a former boyfriend even when I know that it was not a wise or a healthy relationship for me.  You probably know women who continued to go back to abusive relationships.  Even when emotional or physical abuse is involved, there will almost always be a temptation to go back to the familiar.  This attachment has to be broken through separation, time, and prayer.

4.  Praying for a former boyfriend may need to cease.  This may sound harsh, but hear me out.  If feelings are not dissipating and the relationship was particularly toxic, he needs to be off of your prayer list for the immediate future.  Enlist trusted friends to pray for him so that you can stop and know that he is being covered in prayer.  Prayer involves expending emotional energy...it can be bonding.  While attempting to break the emotional bond of a former relationship, prayer for that person may need to cease in your life for a season.  You must get to the place where you no longer feel attached...you are not responsible for his life and you are especially not responsible for his happiness. You are responsible for yourself and your relationship with God.  You are responsible for your happiness.

5.  Keep a short list handy of the reasons the relationship ended.  As time passes, it sometimes becomes easy to remember the good things (that are increasingly missed) and to forget the bad things or the "warning signs" that initiated the break-up.  You may be two terrific people who are toxic for each other.  Or maybe it wasn't toxic..maybe you just weren't compatible for a lifelong commitment.  In either case, remembering why helps prevent going back.  Going back into the relationship because you forgot why it ended is not prudent.  Why waste time and energy?

Or maybe he initiated the break-up.  If so, there is your answer.  You cannot make someone love you. You are not desperate.  You are not a beggar.  You want to be with someone who will love and appreciate you.  Don't spend energy pining for someone who cannot or will not love you.  Trust God to bring someone into your life who can and will love you.

6.  Practice Grace...receive it and give it.  (This has been a hard one for me but I am getting better at it.)  Don't beat yourself up!  Don't beat-up the other person, either!  Dating is about discovering if you are a match for a lifetime. Unless you marry the first person you date, there are going to be times when you discover the answer is "no."  If you have sinned, confess it to God and to the other person and receive forgiveness. Maybe you did nothing wrong...maybe you did everything "right" but it just wasn't the best for you. That is okay.  What did you learn about relationships?  What did you learn about yourself?  These are good things to keep with you.  These are gifts. Nothing is wasted...

7.  Press on and keep your eyes on Jesus.  

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of for me. Phil 3:12

...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  Phil 3:13-14

As with any goal in life, I must press on.  Yes, my goal with a small "g" is getting married.  I do desire a husband with whom to share life's joys and sorrows.  But my Goal with a big "G" is to live a life worthy of the calling of Jesus.  My relationships with potential suitors either foster this or they do not. If not, I must move on and fix my eyes on Jesus.  Ultimately I will stand before Him when this life is over.  Even if my once-thought-of worst case scenario happens, and I do not marry in this life, I will be a bride one day.  I will participate in the wedding feast of the Lamb.  And perhaps, I will have another jewel in my crown to lay at Jesus' feet. Nothing is wasted with God...

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.  Hebrews 12:1-3

From Toxic Shame to Freedom

Italy...Ebenezer of peace and freedom  2008

I grew up in the church.  I always hungered for God.  Or maybe I should say, He has always pursued my heart.  In the early years, I thought it was because I knew I was bad.  I knew I needed God to forgive me and help me.  My behavior was inconsistent with who I wanted to be.  Try as I might, I just couldn’t be “good enough.”   Maya Angelou has a saying that I have heard Oprah repeat often, “When you know better, you do better.”  Well…I have not found that to always be true in my life.  I know better than to eat the whole carton of ice cream, but I still do sometimes.  I know better than to lash out vicious words in anger at a friend, but I have done it.  There are some habits that are hard to break.  There are some sins that are hard to walk away from.  There are some addictions that are gripping for those of us who are addiction-prone.  The apostle Paul said it well:

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Romans 7:15

“So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.  What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!  So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.”  Romans 7:21-25

In the early years, I did not know the difference between healthy conviction that leads to repentance and reconciliation with God and toxic shame that leads nowhere but to a downward spiral.  I guess it was part of my nature to grasp onto the verses in the Bible about humility but to ignore the ones about loving your neighbor as yourself, for surely if we are to love as we love ourselves, then it is a “given” that we love ourselves.    I don’t remember hearing a sermon about that.  Loving myself never crossed my mind.  It wasn’t in my radar.  I wanted to crucify myself.  I wanted to die.

The first time someone told me that I was allowed, even supposed, to love myself I was fifteen years old.  I had been struggling with feelings of jealousy and what seemed like hatred towards my best friend.  She was a lot of things that I thought I wanted to be.  I confessed these feelings, in shame, to a Youth Pastor from Rockford Illinois who happened to be ministering at my church Youth Retreat in New Castle, Pennsylvania.  I was so sad, so depressed, and feeling shame because I was envious of my friend to the point that I believed I hated her.

I still remember the moment that he told me the truth.  He said to me, “Janice, you don’t hate your friend.  You hate yourself.” 

No one had ever told me that before.  Just months before, I had been so depressed that my parents had put me on a waiting list at a psychiatric hospital in a nearby town (unbeknownst to me) and one day, they drove me there with the intent to admit me.   The psychiatrist on duty examined me and refused to admit me.  He told my parents, “She is not mentally ill.  She is just depressed.”

I had been treated as an outpatient for a few months before I met this Youth Pastor.  I visited a traditional child-Psychiatrist who nodded his head and said very little.  In all that time, he had never told me what this Pastor was able to point out in just one conversation.

My prescription from the Pastor was to completely immerse myself in God’s love.  I was to focus every day on how much God loved me.  That was a turning point in my life, for sure.  I wish I could say that I learned to love myself at that juncture, but I did not.

Youth Pastor Greg Speck and Janice 1981

Learning to receive God’s love and to love myself has been a life-long process.  For me, it has involved years of Bible study, Christian counseling, prayers for deliverance and inner healing, and a support group that meets at my local YMCA called HOPE.  HOPE has provided practical tools and support to deal with emotional eating and codependency by learning to choose healthy boundaries and self-care.  God has used all of this in my life to transform me.  I am a different person than I used to be.  It has been hard-fought.  It has taken years.  Any progress I have made has been worth every step.  I am freer now than I have ever been.  I am more in love with God than I have ever been.  I care for myself without guilt or shame.  Okay, rarely with guilt or shame.  The founder of the HOPE group, Julie Hall, says it well, “I don’t do shame anymore.” 

The Youth Pastor who gave me such wisdom all those years ago is still ministering to Youth today.  He told me back then…”Anything of worth or of value takes time and effort and is never easy.”  Yes, I have found this to be true. 

We are body, soul, and spirit.  All are made by God and all are important.  The body we have is just for this lifetime, but caring for it can make this lifetime more pleasant and rich.  Our minds can be cluttered with junk or full of wisdom and truth…depending on what we choose for our thought-life.  Our souls are heaven-bound or not, whether we choose to lay our lives at Jesus’ feet…at the foot of the cross or choose to live only for ourselves.  We have a choice. 

I am sad for those who focus only on the body, or only on the mind, or only on the spirit…oh, I know that “balance” is that elusive goal.  We never get it just right.  Seems among some Christians, though,  there is praise for being “super-spiritual” but little focus on physical or emotional health, especially emotional health.  I found that when I was “sick” emotionally, I wasn’t really able to be healthy spiritually or physically, either.  Depression and self-hatred is like walking in a fog.  I am SO grateful for that Youth Pastor who helped start me on my journey to receive God’s love and to love myself.  It has made all the difference.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36